tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28688278260500070012024-02-19T08:01:30.746-08:00The Deep EndOur Crazy Foster Care JourneyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-52006426134069966952014-01-30T10:19:00.001-08:002014-01-30T10:19:12.469-08:00I Hate Tuesdays<br />
I haven't posted in quite a while. This past year has been more challenging than any of us ever imagined it could be. I started this blog with the hopes of writing something that resonates with other foster parents. I have never wanted to paint an overly rosy picture of the reality of being a foster family. And while I have always openly written about my frustrations with the brokenness of our CPS system, this past year has brought an even deeper awareness of how dysfunctional and corrupt our system really is. With that, has been profound heartache. I may blog about it someday, but probably not. So, while today's post has nothing to do with her, I am dedicating it to my forever baby girl. To my 3rd born, although not technically born unto me. Para Marisol, te quiero con todo mi corazon. Soy tu mama para siempre!<br />
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Now back to hating Tuesdays:<br />
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I use daycare. This is something that I have struggled with for some time now. As a stay at home mom, I do not need to use daycare the way that families with two parents working out of the home do. I also know that daycare is not an ideal setting for kids with attachment issues. So, it feels selfish to use daycare to get a break. But here is what I have realized, those breaks allow me to nurture my true whole self. It allows me to give equal importance to the parts of me that are not just a mom or foster mom or wife. And while sometimes, even that notion sounds selfish in my mind, I know that I am a better mom for it. I realize there are still those of you who vehemently oppose the use of daycare and that is all fine and good and I welcome you to keep those comments to yourself :) But for me, and for our family, this is how we make it work.<br />
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I have come to relish my days with breaks. And Tuesday is not one of them. Tuesday is the day all the kids are home and I get no break. Now, there are often other days of the week this also true, but Tuesday is the one day I can count on for sure. And it would be nice to tell you I use Tuesdays to plan fun activities and we have a fabulous time together, but you need to read my previous post on <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2013/03/planning-fun-activities-with-non-fun.html">planning fun activities with no fun kids </a>to understand why that is not the case. I do, typically, still plan activities because I am a glutton for punishment or I guess because I think it is still the right thing to do. But many Tuesdays, I am white-knuckling it through the day just waiting for it to be Wednesday already.<br />
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This particular Tuesday, I took the little girls to the mall playground. This is quite a typical Tuesday activity for us. And on a typical Tuesday, Shirley (3yo) will get to the playground, stand in the middle of it and blankly look around like she has no idea what she is supposed to do there. At some point, she will cry hoping to get the attention of other adults (she knows by now I will not respond to this ridiculous outburst). When that does not work, she often just lays down. Right there. In the middle of the playground. Kids are stepping or even tripping over her and she just lays there. Now, we have had Shirley for almost 2 1/2 yrs and she is now almost 4yo. So, in that time I have tried many things. I have showed her the slide, tried to help her onto the climbing structures, given her several ideas of how or what to do on the playground (as if the running screaming kids around her were not enough explanation), but she refuses. She tries everything she can to either get other strange adults to pay attention to her or to get my attention by behaving inappropriately and earning a time-out or something like that. It's maddening. I know it should break my heart that she would rather be in control of every second of her life than to just let go and run and have fun and be a kid. And it does. It does break my heart. But, it also frustrates me to no end.<br />
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But not this Tuesday. This Tuesday, Shirley ran off to play with the other kids. And unlike other times when I have been fooled into thinking she is going to play only to do something really inappropriate to get herself in trouble, she actually did play. She interacted with other kids, she went on the slide, she climbed through the tunnels. She was running and laughing and being a kid. She checked back to see if I was watching, she wanted to show me her little tricks, she smiled and had fun. And it was amazing. I am sure she went on to do all kinds of crazy stuff the rest of the day, but for those moments on the playground, she was a normal, happy kid. And I sat there in disbelief that it took over 2 yrs. for this little girl to do what every kid wants to do when they see a playground. It was an amazing sight, really. And it gave me hope for her future.<br />
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And it made me think about progress. It made me think about how often I felt we were getting nowhere with Shirley and how often I was so discouraged by that.<br />
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Then today, while being introspective about my own progress, not related to foster care in any way, an image popped in my head that suddenly made the connection for me. It was a large, stone wall. We often talk about the walls that hurting kids put up around their hearts and many of these walls can be huge. Even some of the smallest little ones have become masters at such masonry in their short little lives. They can build some really massive walls. And here I am chipping away at it, one teeny, tiny fragment at a time and it feels impossible. But it is not impossible, just ask Michelangelo.<br />
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So, there you have it, this extremely cynical person's message of hope for today. I truly wish it could be more.<br />
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Happy Not-Tuesday to you all!<br />
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P.S. Apparently my web browser hates me, or technically is not compatible with my blog, but whatever, we all know that translates to it hates me. But, I could not upload any pictures. So, imagine a picture of Garfield hating Tuesdays instead of Mondays and a picture of the statue of David for my stone wall illustration. Work with me people, you will just need to use your imagination until I can figure out how to get a web browser that doesn't hate me.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-34386261337108391522013-03-14T17:26:00.001-07:002013-03-14T17:26:29.218-07:00Planning Fun Activities with Non-Fun Kids<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZU793fk6lmcXyMRqVTVw04J3FHJhzajdlG2GGUnYNwQLOS7K_KxIIlUQFCzrSEj5q7oIxZC72I9uBDinJeaO0P4QEnXVDjMC5FZ5Rj0XW9bGwI5A3E2b7BAmV9kzEU0qn9RdSFxcu1Sw/s1600/no+fun.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZU793fk6lmcXyMRqVTVw04J3FHJhzajdlG2GGUnYNwQLOS7K_KxIIlUQFCzrSEj5q7oIxZC72I9uBDinJeaO0P4QEnXVDjMC5FZ5Rj0XW9bGwI5A3E2b7BAmV9kzEU0qn9RdSFxcu1Sw/s320/no+fun.jpg" /></a><br />
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I suspect many foster parents will know exactly what I'm talking about without even going any further in this post. <br />
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Am I right?<br />
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I talked a little about this in my post <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/02/grieving-loss-of-normal.html">Grieving the Loss of Normal</a>, but I'm not sure I can <strike>vent about</strike> process this too many times.<br />
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My older bio kids were going to the water park today, so I decided to plan a smaller scale water day for the "littles" (that's what we call the three girls 6, 4, 3). <br />
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Some days just getting out the door exhausts me. Today was one of those days.<br />
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One of the things I learned from Nancy Thomas was not to announce big things/fun activities because traumatized kids have a way of trying to sabotage fun. So, she suggests giving as little warning as possible. This is totally counter to all of the child development stuff I learned in college and applied to my bio kids when they were younger. We did lots of anticipatory talking about things and preparing and building excitment. But, it is true, we have found with the foster kiddos, we have better luck (less sabotage) if we give less warning. But as I am packing towels and getting swimsuits and sunscreen and water bottles etc., it's hard not to know <i><b>something</b></i> is going on.<br />
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To add to the build up, I still had lots to do in getting the big kids to the water park, picking up friends, signing up for season passes, standing in long lines etc., <i><b>before</b></i> I could take the littles to their water fun. By the time we get to the splash pad, I have already fielded about a million (yes, it was just shy of a million, I'm sure of it) ridiculous questions (in case you think I exaggerate, they were <i><b>ridiculous</b></i>: "Is this food?", asks Shirley at lunch), taken a world record number of potty breaks (something about wearing a swimsuit under your clothes not only makes going to the restroom more difficult, it also apparently makes your bladder shrink to the size of a pea), foolishly put the 6yo in charge of my purse while I helped the little ones in the bathroom (I know, I was just <i><b>asking</b></i> for it with that move). <br />
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But, alas, we arrive at the splash pad full of kids running and splashing and squealing and laughing and delighting in the joy that is being a kid.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQZV5QuP41lqWh87y5aCxqDdu1k8fyCuzlsZFG6Vib_ZjQ12TGIpXTNP1OVN7McHQ-vxnAPoHxUgcY8TAhyphenhyphenE3vcZmLqzFH11-GmuWKrYD_ONVHc-j3qMnM1jHZ0SEXOyOg3SBSpSJEdOI/s1600/splash+pad+fun.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQZV5QuP41lqWh87y5aCxqDdu1k8fyCuzlsZFG6Vib_ZjQ12TGIpXTNP1OVN7McHQ-vxnAPoHxUgcY8TAhyphenhyphenE3vcZmLqzFH11-GmuWKrYD_ONVHc-j3qMnM1jHZ0SEXOyOg3SBSpSJEdOI/s320/splash+pad+fun.jpg" /></a><br />
Yeah, something like that.<br />
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And here are my kids:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ1DZ5pBbAB4FyRCnZuSEmkQOgaHQpUvnzylSJvhDbSVuFHsqcIz45WNApsPxaCkQL_HL3a4CgELTkK7e8Y_zXAW_W1MYItLd_MDwNi904LDPqSY4uCi5o7uzu2JPgPTwqF_u5R7tL7CM/s1600/kids+blank+stares.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ1DZ5pBbAB4FyRCnZuSEmkQOgaHQpUvnzylSJvhDbSVuFHsqcIz45WNApsPxaCkQL_HL3a4CgELTkK7e8Y_zXAW_W1MYItLd_MDwNi904LDPqSY4uCi5o7uzu2JPgPTwqF_u5R7tL7CM/s320/kids+blank+stares.jpg" /></a><br />
Blankly staring at the water like they don't know what it is.<br />
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Shirley (3y.o.): "Mama. My finger got wet (holding out her one index finger). I need a towel."<br />
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Me: "You are here to get wet. No towels until we are ready to go home."<br />
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Jenny (6y.o.): "Can I go throw a penny in the fountain?" (pointing about a quarter mile away from where we are playing).<br />
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Me: "No. You are here to play in the water."<br />
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Jenny (after 30 sec playing in the water): "Those boys keep getting me wet."<br />
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Me: "Good. That's why we're here."<br />
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A table in the shade opens up, I go set my bag and shoes and water and all the stuff I carry around like a pack mule and plop into the chair ready to sit back and watch the kids play while sipping on my iced tea.<br />
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Jenny: "I need to go potty"<br />
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Shirley: "I need to go potty too"<br />
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Dusty (4yo): "Me too"<br />
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Me: "Alright. Get your shoes on"<br />
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We come back from the bathroom and my cozy seat in the shade is now gone. I set myself back up on the curb of the flower bed nearby and I turn around to see all 3 girls with handfulls of rocks just seconds from throwing them into the fountain.<br />
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Me: "It's time to go home."<br />
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And I know it's going to be like this. <br />
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But I still try. And I guess that's what I'm supposed to do, keep giving them fun, kid experiences even if they are no-fun-party-poopers.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNyvW2JcGoZ2qQg5OT1TGwm0pTWBwgbAsftY7zbTLn71NgMK6WohypNKxU1v2AsLadq6bmJr0Pns5ySRPd0IvMFdzxmT3YveTXKRMqs-Vx9b88wj8bEZ__tdPNxrg1q4_PBZILC5XcZIA/s1600/no+fun+party+hat.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNyvW2JcGoZ2qQg5OT1TGwm0pTWBwgbAsftY7zbTLn71NgMK6WohypNKxU1v2AsLadq6bmJr0Pns5ySRPd0IvMFdzxmT3YveTXKRMqs-Vx9b88wj8bEZ__tdPNxrg1q4_PBZILC5XcZIA/s320/no+fun+party+hat.jpg" /></a><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-56629927966665773122013-02-03T15:51:00.000-08:002013-02-03T15:52:40.678-08:00Community Children<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-HI3ZT2UNPRf2FhwnGX_aksoazzwISUcnVIkTvsrrLX6HtTlR-X9-PsVrGbdfoq5wrzcPefMkW0X_rDGvqjdx0MPUIl6j44nRanRw7DUipHgdJpcQC-cAk9YeUPn_0jI9KW5V3f-j_B0/s1600/community+children.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="229" width="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-HI3ZT2UNPRf2FhwnGX_aksoazzwISUcnVIkTvsrrLX6HtTlR-X9-PsVrGbdfoq5wrzcPefMkW0X_rDGvqjdx0MPUIl6j44nRanRw7DUipHgdJpcQC-cAk9YeUPn_0jI9KW5V3f-j_B0/s400/community+children.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I've wanted to do a post on this for a long time. It's a subject that I feel very strongly about and an issue that comes up <b>all.the.time </b>for our family (and I imagine lots of other families too).<br />
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And what is it exactly? It's adults, other people outside the family that feel it is appropriate to parent, nurture or otherwise interact with my children as though they were their caregiver. It makes me nuts and it was never so apparent to me just how many people behave in this manner until I became a foster parent. Then it seemed, they were <i><b>everywhere</b></i>. People, with what seem to be the best intentions, were offering to do things for children in my care that are really a parent's job. These are things that I could never imagine anyone offering to do for my bio kids, nor things I would ever allow others to do for my bio kids, nor would my bio kids ever allow to be done for them by anyone but myself or my husband (or some other immediate family member). I often find myself saying "I could never imagine doing that with someone else's child"<br />
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My initial hypothesis as to why I suddenly noticed this phenomenon, was that people do not see foster children as <i><b>my</b></i> kids. It's like they see them as <b><i>community children</i></b>. Maybe they feel like you stepped up to take care of kids that are not yours, so this is their small contribution to the cause? I'm sure they feel the more caring, loving people in the kids lives, the better. I know there is no malice in this behavior. I just wish I could communicate to others how inappropriate it is and how damaging it is for kids with attachment issues.<br />
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See, kids with attachment issues want attention from everyone <b><i>except</i></b> their families. This stems from an inability to form meaningful relationships. It's easy to be cute and charming to the outside world. It's easy to put on a show for people you have limited contact with. But your family, your mom and dad, they see you at your best and your worst. It's their job to protect you at your most vulnerable, to love you when you are being unlovable. It's a reciprocal relationship, however. You don't often think about it in those terms with a parent-child relationship, but the child gives back to the parent in a healthy family relationship. The child gives unconditional love and trust to their parents. And they learn this as infants. It's the lack of this reciprocal relationship that becomes very obvious, early on in the foster parent-child relationship. The rejecting of your parents love while seeking attention from other adults (the kind of attention you should seek from your primary caregiver) is a classic sign of attachment disorder. And to people outside the immediate family, it is not obvious at all. In fact, most times, they cannot see it at all. This causes all kinds of issues as well because there is this disbelief from outsiders that there is anything wrong. The child, to them, seems perfectly well-adjusted, friendly, seeking love and nurture etc. <br />
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I've come to question my original hypothesis after reading <a href="http://alameda.patch.com/blog_posts/please-dont-help-my-kids">this article</a> where the author is asking bystanders and others to not help her child. She is not a foster parent, but she is writing about this type of intrusive behavior by other adults toward her biological child. So, that got me thinking, it may not be that people behave this way more with foster children (although that may still be true), but that foster children react and respond to this behvior by other adults in a totally different way than kids who don't have attachment issues.<br />
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For example, both of my bio children as well as one foster that was placed as an infant, reacted similarly to being approached by strangers. They would move closer to me, maybe cling to my leg or hide behind me. Sometimes, it could be someone that was not a total stranger, but more of a casual acquaintance. In that case, they would likely be more open to the other person, maybe tolerate the high five or smile or laugh with them. They may not make any body movements toward me, but would certainly not tolerate me leaving them. And if that person reached out to pick them up or take them off somewhere, then all bets would be off. While, they may have been open to interaction, there were definite signals that this interaction had its limits. There was a definite identifying with their people (who they are there with, who they belong to, who they trust). With foster children, there is no such signal. They not only welcome the interaction, but they move closer to the stranger. The signals they give are that they are very comfortable and familiar with that person and would show no signs of opposition to being taken away from their primary caregiver to go off with this person.<br />
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Of course, this should all be making you very uncomfortable and wanting to scream "stranger danger".<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfiG_R300oIH3ipqscV3B8MzSVUQH_ubyQOPGf5Y8tV8WNNM2_Ke6b4e7_WeHmqypV9Z2BtfWKCTgQ3aITy4HdyKP4CjQfr_WJxbRvf71EzQUqiaMH5EzjpbZkRUdn69YHpo5Wo-dfI0E/s1600/stranger+dange2r.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="167" width="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfiG_R300oIH3ipqscV3B8MzSVUQH_ubyQOPGf5Y8tV8WNNM2_Ke6b4e7_WeHmqypV9Z2BtfWKCTgQ3aITy4HdyKP4CjQfr_WJxbRvf71EzQUqiaMH5EzjpbZkRUdn69YHpo5Wo-dfI0E/s400/stranger+dange2r.jpg" /></a></div><br />
And that is, of course, one of the many reasons this type of behavior cannot be allowed. But this is not simply a case of a child that just needs to be taught stranger danger or a kid that never learned it. The reality is, our bio kids learn this concept well before we are even able to have this type of conversation with them. They learn stranger danger inherently and innately. Sure, we should all have the discussion over and over with our kids about not going with someone to help find their puppy or get some candy etc., but inherently our kids already have some stranger danger well before they are able to understand the concept of bad people or strangers wanting to harm them. It's how we were designed to interact with our caregivers and the world. And that design has been disrupted and damaged due to abuse and neglect and trauma.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQBi5oJeKJQqfYZMzu84AOP962zu8u3cnPurip-k0U4ky_0tMmABHY_DcYGdtuvR8cjCW_eNIkCELyLpmwb-eKMh1bxiRM0p9yLE3Ouzi_f3-mAslGDMS_QHTAFRvMfuUd76xG6NdvTXY/s1600/stranger+danger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="168" width="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQBi5oJeKJQqfYZMzu84AOP962zu8u3cnPurip-k0U4ky_0tMmABHY_DcYGdtuvR8cjCW_eNIkCELyLpmwb-eKMh1bxiRM0p9yLE3Ouzi_f3-mAslGDMS_QHTAFRvMfuUd76xG6NdvTXY/s400/stranger+danger.jpg" /></a></div><br />
It's much more serious than having "the talk" about strangers. It's a signal that developmentally things are not right. It's telling us the hardwiring needs to be fixed.<br />
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So, what to do? Well, in an ideal world, you would keep your foster children close to you as though you would an infant. You (and your spouse) would do <b>all</b> of the meeting of basic needs. You would not allow others to feed, clothe, pick up, cuddle or in any way nurture your child. If you are fostering an infant, my suggestion would be to limit the amount of people and time others can hold the baby, do not allow anyone but yourself or your spouse (maybe an older sibling - immediate household members) to feed the baby, rock the baby to sleep or comfort the crying baby. This is especially true for infants that are still in that stage of developing secure attachments. Given their early trauma (being removed from their primary careiver and placed in foster care), you can do these things to help make sure they develop appropriate, healthy attachments and prevent developing attachment disorder. This is also the same method for working with kids who have already developed attachment issues, however, it is much harder to do. They will often reject your efforts and as I've described here, you'll always find yourself encountering people who want to "help" (a.k.a. interfere with developing a secure attachment). <br />
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What we do:<br />
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<b>1. No hand holding, lap sitting, cuddling with anyone outside the immediate family</b>. Shirley* (3yo) is the worst when it comes to this. She tries to get others to hold her all the time. She cries and acts helpless and tries to get others to do things for her that she is more than capable of doing. And people love doing things for her. People love picking her up and having her go limp like a rag doll. I honestly do not understand this at all. To me, this behavior is very strange and off-putting and I would not want to hold a child that acted that way. My husband thinks people like to help kids who act helpless. I don't. I want to kick them in the pants and tell them they can do it themselves. Try harder. Come on, you can do it. But, I guess that's not everyone's reaction.<br />
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<b>2. When mom and dad are present, <i>they</i> are the ones you ask for help</b>. If Jenny* (6yo) needs help tying her shoe, reaching something, scrapes her knee and wants a band-aid, needs a drink of water etc., she knows she is to ask myself or my husband (or our older kids) for help. Since she is older, we have this conversation ahead of time before we go to some kind of gathering. She also knows that if anyone offers her anything, she has to ask our permission before she can have it. With Shirley and Dusty* (4yo), we keep them as close as possible to intervene if they are inappropriately interacting with strangers.<br />
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<b>3. At restaurants, your focus is on your family and the people you are with</b>. We go out to eat a lot. And it is quite common that Shirley and Jenny are looking around the restaurant trying to get attention from other tables. Shirley is often successful at this. She is little and cute and people respond to her that way. Now, this is more than just being curious of your surroundings. This is like an intent stare at others (I think it's creepy, I'm not sure why people smile at it) and a total disregard for the people at her own table. We redirect all of that behavior and encourage interaction at our own table. There are even times that Shirley has to lay her head down on the table if she can't stop staring at strangers.<br />
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<b>4. We do all of the feeding/providing of food.</b> As I've talked about in previous posts about food, providing food is a basic need and a significant source of nurture. We do not allow our foster children to get this nurture from strangers (or anyone outside the immediate family).<br />
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This is actually <b><i>very hard</i></b> to do. We find that people wanting to "help" are everywhere and our kiddos are good at seeking them out and eliciting it as well. It's very awkward to step in and stop this sort of interaction. My husband is much better at it than I am. He will ask people to put Shirley down if someone picks her up when we didn't notice. He will take food away from her that a stranger may have given her without us noticing and he will step right in the middle of any inappropriate interactions before they happen as well. He is good at explaining that it is not good for her and it's his job to do what is best for her even when it is awkward for other people. And he is good about just not caring if the other person doesn't understand or agree with him for doing it. I've gotten better, but really, I still stink at that part. It's very hard for me.<br />
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You'll notice I use "immediate family" a lot. I mean people within the immediate household. So, this means grandparents are restricted as well. This is probably the hardest one. Now, if grandma is the daycare provider, then they are now in the role of a primary caregiver. However, if the kids see grandma a couple times a month at family gatherings, they are more like strangers. And while a hug "hello" and "goodbye" is ok in our home, we don't allow lap sitting and cuddling and meeting basic needs or nurturing by grandma. This is sometimes a source of contention. Grandma wants to be in the grandma role which includes all of those things. Here is how I see it. I'm in the mom role, but not treated like a "mom" most times. While I may want to have a mom-child relationship with this child, it is not natural and it takes lots of work. The primary caregiver role is the most important one to establish. Grandparents just have to wait on this (and they may have to wait a long time. And if the child is not going to be adopted into the home, then they will likely never be in that role with this particular child. And that's ok). Everybody needs to put their own feelings aside and realize this is what is best for the child.<br />
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Now, here's my big disclaimer - We do have our girls in daycare. This is not ideal for attachment issues. And I am fully aware that while they are there, Shirley gets the staff to carry her around and do things for her she should do for herself. I know that it is not the best place for them to be. But, I have also come to understand that I can't do it perfectly, I can't beat myself up for using daycare, which is often the thing that allows me to continue to do this hard job. It's a life-saver in many ways. So, I just do what I can to avoid these things when I am present and I have to just let the rest go.<br />
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So, even if you use daycare and are unable to put these restrictions in place at all times, do it when you can. Be aware of the need for it, and be intentional about it when you have the opportunity.<br />
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And what if you are a friend or family member of a foster parent and want to know how to help w/o being one of these "helpful" people I have described here? I found this great <a href="http://www.families.com/blog/ten-ways-to-support-to-a-rad-mom">article</a> with 10 ways to support. The first 5 things are all about how not to interfere:<br />
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■1. A RAD Mom needs help teaching her child with Reactive Attachment Disorder that mom’s are in charge of taking good care of their children. And that their mom is a good mom who takes care of her children.<br />
■2. A RAD Mom needs friends who don’t hug her RAD Child. The best way to help a family dealing with a child who has reactive attachment disorder is to help the child learn to get his or her hugs for mom and dad. The same is true for other intimate things the child might want to do, like sit on laps or give you a neck rub.<br />
■3. A RAD Mom needs friends who can support how we respond to our child. No matter what the situation looks like the parents need to be considered the ones in charge especially when it comes to discipline. <br />
■4. A RAD Mom needs people who have suggestions, ideas or criticism to talk to us privately when our child is not around. Triangulation is a natural behavior for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and questioning the parents in front of the child empowers the child.<br />
■5. A RAD Mom needs friends who don’t fall into the trap of hearing the child say, “I wish you were my mom, you are much better then the one I got.” Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop for new, improved and better parents. <br />
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Quit trying to be the "village" to the child. What the child needs is the village to support and empower its parents and stop trying to care for its children.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-29618951811078468872012-11-29T11:33:00.000-08:002012-11-29T11:33:56.684-08:00Therapy, part II<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmpC3_zFvrRcmuNTg00GkyKV8xgP15eacm3o6MTiGAkiYPuscnZycoRxC0IHFHhlRAfCVSZL-9V36Gzxx_jGRqrhHfzU-XT1KiusxySvKlYYiKr2sURwTKk52gbREXhqPhL8kdZu_WpEQ/s1600/blog+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="69" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmpC3_zFvrRcmuNTg00GkyKV8xgP15eacm3o6MTiGAkiYPuscnZycoRxC0IHFHhlRAfCVSZL-9V36Gzxx_jGRqrhHfzU-XT1KiusxySvKlYYiKr2sURwTKk52gbREXhqPhL8kdZu_WpEQ/s400/blog+pic.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Since my last <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/10/therapy.html">post on therapy</a>, Dusty has now had one therapy session. Next week, she will have been in our home 8 mos and she had her first appointment yesterday. How's that for efficiency?<br />
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<b>The good news:</b> The people I have talked to that are familiar with this therapist say she is great (that was maybe 2 people). In my intake meeting with her she requested that Dusty <i><b>not</b></i> be present b/c we would be discussing many things she should not hear. This seems like <b><i>duh</b></i> common sense, but she is the first therapist I've ever worked with that seems to get that. In other intakes, the therpaist is asking me to talk about the child's history, their trauma, their bio parents' issues, their current behavioral issues - all while the child plays in the room next to us and pretends not to be listening or aware of anything we are saying. But they hear it <b>ALL</b>! And a therapist should know that. So, she earns points for that one from me.<br />
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Another good thing is she seems to understand trauma and how kids will play out their trauma as a way of processing it and coping with it.<br />
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<b>Now for the not-so-good news:</b><br />
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In the intake, I asked if I would be present during the sessions. She said "no". I asked if we would talk after the sessions to discuss what is happening in them and things I should be working on with her at home. She said she was not able to discuss specifics with me about what goes on in the sessions, but could tell me if she had a particularly emotional session or if she had a hard time etc.<br />
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I have a problem with this. A <b>BIG</b> problem with this. But, I also know this is standard and my raising an issue only makes me seem weird.<br />
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Let me walk you through how yesterday went. Imagine this is <i><b>your</b></i> child.<br />
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We arrive at the counseling center (a place that Dusty has <i><b>never</b></i> been to before), we go into the "lobby" (I use that term loosely, the lobby is a very small room (think large closet)with a few charis, a table w/some coloring books and crayons), there is no one in the lobby, there is no receptionist or anyone to check in with or let know you have arrived. There is a sign on the door that says to wait there and someone will come get you. The therapist (who Dusty has <b><i>never</i></b> met before) opens the door, stands in the doorway and says "are you ready?" Dusty walks back into a room with her. I stay in the "lobby". About 30min later, she opens the door and Dusty comes out. The therapist says "She did good. See you next week".<br />
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Now, remember I said, pretend this is <i><b>your</b></i> child. Would you be ok with this? I know that I would <b>never</b> have done this to my bio kids. <b>NEVER!</b><br />
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If I felt my child needed therapy it would be because they had probably suffered some trauma. As their mom, I'd want the help of a therapist the help <i><b>me</b></i> help my kids to process it. I would want to be there to assure my child that this person is safe and that I trust them. I would want to be there so that when my child did begin to process their trauma and experience big emotions as a result, <b><i>I</i></b> would be there as their mom to comfort them, support them, love them. I would want to be in the room at all times because there is absolutely <b>NO</b> reason for this therapist to develop a private relationship with my child. The therapist is simply a tool our family is using to cope with difficulties.<br />
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Now, let's consider foster children:<br />
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1. They have tons of confusion about who is safe and can be trusted. <br />
2. They often will go off with anyone and have difficulty discriminating roles of people (particularly understanding the role of primary caretaker).<br />
3. Therapists come and go like (I can't think of a funny cliche here for things that come and go - so enter your own), so working on getting a child to trust a specific therapist only to leave them and get a new therapist - bad idea!<br />
4. Therapists only see this child 1 x per week - the goal should be to empower the family with the skills to work through the issues the other 6 days of the week.<br />
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Let's not take this issue of stranger danger too lightly here.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipWH5saH1ENW9ya3o2UjNxWdEaA-7rHqUA26v7COWi2-VO7xz6my_paZhzrU-YK4wITKQD4LCPHgfQI46yjJGeIqeviBVimqfQEewjE9rUEPwGezLvD0yu4SMXp7i-yVk4hI1IpiHbc5g/s1600/stranger+danger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="218" width="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipWH5saH1ENW9ya3o2UjNxWdEaA-7rHqUA26v7COWi2-VO7xz6my_paZhzrU-YK4wITKQD4LCPHgfQI46yjJGeIqeviBVimqfQEewjE9rUEPwGezLvD0yu4SMXp7i-yVk4hI1IpiHbc5g/s400/stranger+danger.jpg" /></a></div><br />
With all of our placements (and respite kids), we have had issues with an inability to distinguish between people they know well and trust and any random person that approaches them and calls them cute. <b>Every. One. Of. Them.</b> It's not a small problem, it's a pervasive problem.<br />
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In a child that is well adjusted and has a secure attachment, there will be some hesitation to being approached by strangers or even people they have met before, but are only casual acquaintances of their parents. There is a clear distinction between who you go to when you are sad and need comfort, when you scraped your knee, when you need to go to the bathroom. It's not normal for kids to just ask the nearest adult to help them with these things. But kids in foster care do. Not only do they do that, but they will intentionally seek out adults <i><b>other</b></i> than their parents. When my children were young and a stranger talked to them, they may avert their eyes, lower their head, move closer to me, take a step back from the stranger (all things that signal "I don't know you, I am being cautious of you"). I <b>LOVE</b> when my kids do that. Love it! I know some people have real issues with shyness in their children and work hard to help them to get over it. And I get that too. And if we are talking about kids that have grown up in healthy homes and have secure attachments with their primary caregivers, then that's ok. But for kids in foster care, we should rejoice over "shyness". It's good. It's progress.<br />
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Now, if I had taken one of my kids to see a therapist, pulled up to a strange building, sat in a strange room, asked them to walk through a door with a stranger while I stay back in the other room, we would have had some serious protesting (probably screaming and crying as though they were being abducted). In fact, just the therapist approaching and talking to them would have elicited something like this:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIxpXxBLq90sEkoEomvRIn2Hv_e5iBI-52UPL9wRrydD5tkatuiIMJoT1bh9jn0BXhtDTOn-xTCyjDAwi6oiWyvHQyAA8ciGx1l-Bo0-IJIPvuht10nHx4UXCgNFFGyF7Tbnhk9kVWOoc/s1600/clinging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="192" width="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIxpXxBLq90sEkoEomvRIn2Hv_e5iBI-52UPL9wRrydD5tkatuiIMJoT1bh9jn0BXhtDTOn-xTCyjDAwi6oiWyvHQyAA8ciGx1l-Bo0-IJIPvuht10nHx4UXCgNFFGyF7Tbnhk9kVWOoc/s400/clinging.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Had Dusty behaved as though she were uncomfortable going off with this strange lady, I'm sure she would have had me sit in on the session until she was more comfortable. But the fact that she willingly went should be a red flag to the therapist. And we should not exploit this child's disorder/issue (whatever you want to call it) by asking them to do something, that if not for their issues, they would not do. Essentially, therapists working with the most vulnerable children (those in CPS custody) are exploiting their unhealthy attachments and further encouraging unhealthy behavior. <b>Wonderful!</b><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-397408358177459752012-11-09T11:14:00.001-08:002012-11-29T11:33:46.572-08:00Let's Play Dumb, Part III<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvNK3eON1w-CvjW7W8zBh0TLZNWyJMhhTOftBV4BKIW1SukYWD0gHl1eGp2fvmsbboic-vtj9nn9knFKCjItezr97UPKbiCecUdT8Ab3eoYlMP67T8REnlRWA4PYHH-FATOMcGve4BC_o/s1600/dunce.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="285" width="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvNK3eON1w-CvjW7W8zBh0TLZNWyJMhhTOftBV4BKIW1SukYWD0gHl1eGp2fvmsbboic-vtj9nn9knFKCjItezr97UPKbiCecUdT8Ab3eoYlMP67T8REnlRWA4PYHH-FATOMcGve4BC_o/s400/dunce.jpg" /></a></div><br />
As promised <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/08/lets-play-dumb-part-i.html">here</a>, today I'll post about what I can happily call "what <b><i>used to be</i></b> our daily shoe fiasco". That's right, it's no longer a daily issue and I can actually say it's becoming a rare occurrence. It's always so much nicer to blog about an issue after we have successfully come out on the other side of it :) Yay for progress!<br />
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Apparently, doing weird things with your shoes is a <i><b>thing</b></i> for kids with attachment issues. Remember when <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/02/grieving-loss-of-normal.html">Jenny walked out of her shoe </a>in the middle of the street and we all had to watch as it was run over repeatedly?<br />
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Or when Shirley <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/03/our-rad-disneyland-trip.html">lost her shoe </a>in the corn maze or the numerous times she just couldn't keep them on her feet while in the stroller or the time she tried over and over to <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/03/our-rad-disneyland-trip.html">lose a shoe at Disneyland</a>? <br />
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Well, Dusty has shoe retardedness as well. When she first came, she tried the walk-out-of-my-shoe routine, but soon decided that was not fun enough and adopted the put-my-shoes-on-the-wrong-feet-everytime-I-put-them-on routine instead.<br />
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Here she is walking down the street with one shoe on:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhENgHFQuJe1nqIKvKbXX2XVTFKV1PAsgn4k-N5QTNVvxBqg_qNWGTJQkQ1Ugu2IQxgCeBpUAI-e9OLnie-ewl9vTdPvELhihP6k4155-pb1PtKdzeazq7w4gFXHrRYhDtSvmiQu7wqL7w/s1600/shoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhENgHFQuJe1nqIKvKbXX2XVTFKV1PAsgn4k-N5QTNVvxBqg_qNWGTJQkQ1Ugu2IQxgCeBpUAI-e9OLnie-ewl9vTdPvELhihP6k4155-pb1PtKdzeazq7w4gFXHrRYhDtSvmiQu7wqL7w/s400/shoe.jpg" /></a></div><br />
And that's exactly how we deal with that issue. If you want to walk around with one shoe on, it only makes <b><i>you</b></i> more uncomfortable, so knock yourself out.<br />
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Dusty has been with us over 7 mos now and just very recently, she stopped putting her shoes on the wrong feet. So, for more than 6mos, she put her shoes on the wrong feet <i>every time<b></b></i> she put them on with very few exceptions (and in our house this is several times a day b/c we take our shoes off at the door).<br />
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Now, how did we deal with it? At first, I would verbally remind her that her shoes were on wrong and to fix them. In the beginning, fixing them took her <i><b>forever</b></i>. She would take them off her feet, switch them around a few times and put them back on the wrong feet. Other times, she may take them off, look at them, look at me, appear very confused and just sit there. Once we determined this was a ploy to waste all of our time as we were on our way out the door, we started asking Dusty to get her shoes on immediately in the morning, before eating breakfast or anything else. That way, if she was going to waste time, she'd be wasting her own time, not ours. We also started sending her to her room to fix her shoes. That way, she couldn't sit and stare blankly at us as if she didn't know how to put her shoes on. The longer she took to fix her shoes, the longer she stayed in her room. This totally worked, in that, she immediately switched her shoes and was out of her room in seconds. It didn't immediately work, however, to get her to stop putting them on the wrong feet in the first place.<br />
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Over time, she started to have days where she put them on the right feet, every time, all day long. There were very few of those days, but they existed. Soon, the shoes became our barometer for measuring Dusty's internal state, how regulated she was that day. She may start the day out putting them on the wrong feet and typically that is how her whole day would go. Other times, she would start out great and something throughout the day would happen and I'd find myself saying in my head "she's going to put her shoes on the wrong feet". And I was right.<br />
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And now, she puts them on the right feet <i><b>almost</b></i> every time and <i><b>almost</b></i> every day. Progress. And to the extent that this tells me something about her internal regulation, emotional progress (even better!)<br />
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So, for those of you that wonder, what if you just said nothing or did nothing? Just let her wear her shoes on the wrong feet? Well, I had those same thoughts. And actually for close to a week long period, I actually did that. I just said nothing about her shoes, did nothing, let her wear them that way. However, I found that it still frustrated me that she did it and I wasn't as successful at just letting it go as I needed to be for this approach to work. Then I had a discussion with my husband and his take on it was this:<br />
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You told her to go put her shoes on. You gave her a direct instruction which you expect her to follow. And putting them on the wrong feet is her small way of being defiant. It's like saying "ok, I'll put them on, but not the way you want me to". In other words, "Eff you, lady. You aren't the boss of me". And the reality is, we see this behavior of challenging your authority at every turn with attachment disordered kids. And just as I have said before, it's crucial they learn you <i><b>are</b></i> in charge. Not because you want to be the big scary boss, but because you <i><b>need</b></i> to be in charge. They <i><b>need</b></i> you to be in charge to take care of them, meet their needs, keep them safe. And even small challenges to your authority need to be met with a (gentle) reminder that <b><i>you</i></b> are the boss, even of how they put their shoes on :)<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-44376609937944187562012-10-16T12:03:00.001-07:002012-10-16T14:47:26.834-07:00Therapy<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTSg4dpe6KBjfByFvsagO15z8akZyXkpsSRjdRiI3JUKuJHvpdaIbsoQ-fINOeY62jNF6Cb9I1LqczfDvDvskwkvm220ufaPk36CfkOopTzOxgubZzSLdnR8Sr1YmBpJGfA5hG191ApIc/s1600/therapy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="194" width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTSg4dpe6KBjfByFvsagO15z8akZyXkpsSRjdRiI3JUKuJHvpdaIbsoQ-fINOeY62jNF6Cb9I1LqczfDvDvskwkvm220ufaPk36CfkOopTzOxgubZzSLdnR8Sr1YmBpJGfA5hG191ApIc/s400/therapy.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I try not to make my blog posts seem like one long gripe fest without at least some kind of tip or solution to the problem. If that is my goal, I should stay far, far away from this topic. <br />
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But, here I go anyway. So, let me apologize in advance that what you are about to read will be a substantial list of problems and a very short list of solutions (that is if I can think of any by the time I get to the end of this post. Otherwise, it will just be a list of problems).<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCqjGHPTZC-XMK3pp7W9zrF07iByLbT840K3HhQZTHbO1StefSKMH1F8xEMtvtsi-yDEwKMUwD982yLvbB8px_R0lhQ6HcoqPP_UPRqHQoigfOjjRCKbGFcvrdh8YCNxKF2MvDvxn75Sg/s1600/blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="270" width="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCqjGHPTZC-XMK3pp7W9zrF07iByLbT840K3HhQZTHbO1StefSKMH1F8xEMtvtsi-yDEwKMUwD982yLvbB8px_R0lhQ6HcoqPP_UPRqHQoigfOjjRCKbGFcvrdh8YCNxKF2MvDvxn75Sg/s400/blog.jpg" /></a></div><br />
We've all heard the stories, or maybe experienced first hand, how hard it is to get CPS to intervene and respond to reports of abuse and neglect. We all know about numerous kids who should be helped, but the problems going on in their home do not rise to the level of CPS intervention. So, what does that tell us about the kids in our homes, then? It tells me, the conditions they lived in were worse than most of us can even imagine. The abuse and neglect they suffered was <b>severe</b>. Most of the population will never experience this type of abuse and neglect in their entire lifetimes. Their needs are different than most every other kid you know. So, what kind of therapist would best suit this specialized, rare population? <br />
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Well, my answer would be a <i><b>very</b></i> experienced therapist, one who understands abuse, neglect, and trauma, one who knows the substantial effect abuse and neglect has on the development of growing children. They also need a therapist who understands that because their "child development" is different from most kids, they need to be parented different from most kids. They need a therapist that knows how to include the children's foster parents in all aspects of treatment and one that can help foster parents understand <i>why</i> these unconventional parenting methods work.<br />
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Now, what kind of therapists do kids in foster care get?<br />
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They get recent college graduates who may or may not have done some practicum hours on actual live people, but not necessarily children, let alone abused children. They get therapists who have taken this job as an entry level and plan to leave as soon as a better job becomes available (which means over the course of their time in care, foster kids may have as many therapists as they have case managers). They get therapists who are not required to take specialized training on child trauma and attachment disorder. They also get behavior coaches who have degrees in areas not even related to mental health, they often are not parents themselves and would probably struggle to help a parent, that is <i>not</i> a foster parent, understand behavior issues. <br />
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According to a study by Casey Family Programs, a disproportionate number of former foster children have mental disorders as adults. Foster children have nearly <b>double</b> the rate of PTSD as U.S. combat veterans. I know that I hear about programs to help veterans that suffer from PTSD (although, I don't doubt this is an underserved population as well). I hear of no such programs for children in foster care. While, I can't assume cause and effect with these studies, it does make me wonder if the number of foster children as adults with mental health issues would be much lower had they received the appropriate care when they were children?<br />
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Another <b>huge</b> issue with therapy and foster care is the amount of time and effort it takes to get services started. It often seems to be a big battle just to get services that I am not really sure I want, once I have them.<br />
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Here's an example that is not a rarity:<br />
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Little Dusty, 3yo (you can read about her <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/04/what-new-girl-brings.html">here</a>) came to us on 4/2/12. Within a couple of days of being placed with us, Rapid Response came to check on her (step 1 of system in place to ensure children receive services - check!). According to the information we supplied RR, a referral was made for play therapy for Dusty as well as a referral for speech assessment through public school district.<br />
<br />
Enter Dusty's oh so wonderful CPS case manager, let's call her, Little Miss Scatterbrain (that's my nice name for her :).<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrGGeEusVXsOynKDwFhmJKIagbGJolXJx7RwlQwEy9DXKTgdV8tvaZz8swejBTVEKeRv0J-ZvZesaglbMpF3w4RS7O4TZ0rCLx-cMkG2gtc7XtYiuSjWkv-QbRCuhDLXDPqZUbqVfujmY/s1600/scatterbrain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrGGeEusVXsOynKDwFhmJKIagbGJolXJx7RwlQwEy9DXKTgdV8tvaZz8swejBTVEKeRv0J-ZvZesaglbMpF3w4RS7O4TZ0rCLx-cMkG2gtc7XtYiuSjWkv-QbRCuhDLXDPqZUbqVfujmY/s400/scatterbrain.jpg" /></a></div><br />
So, Little Miss Scatterbrain did not inform anyone of the intake that had been set up as a result of the RR referral, so the date came and went and the referral closed. As I started reporting Dusty's behaviors to Little Miss Scatterbrain, she informed me that she had let it lapse. So, you would assume she would then get right on it and put in another referral, right? Wrong.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to a court date (not sure what hearing this was, I was not informed of it eventhough I repeatedly asked for this info). The court ordered a Best for Babies Assessment (something the court has started routinely doing for 0-5yo in foster care).<br />
<br />
We are now over a month into the placement and the Best for Babies assessor determines the same thing the RR person did and that is, Dusty needs play therapy. Due to the behaviros we were now reporting, Dusty was assigned an intensive case manager with Southwest Network (SWN). Oooh. This kind of sounds like someone might be taking her needs seriously.<br />
<br />
Nah. Not really.<br />
<br />
Now, we have an intensive case manager (ICM), who I will call Little Miss Helpful, which means, she needs to come interview the family about Dusty's behaviors, observe Dusty in the home, at daycare and on visits with mom. <i>THEN</i> she can make a recommendation for services. We have our first meeting with Little Miss Helpful at the end of May. She does her observations in our home and in the daycare over the next couple of weeks. Now, she has to observe during visits with bio mom.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKQmPavUrSm-lAOxvbWQmQvAZOGdNgdhR7sxr8rMTYKEd4jlGAhvf6FVRAeoHusTlz4Gix8dKC1puj8MxVjk7vO9jSOluLPsHu6r8PIizdRUov8R9bAh8smU_CXnys_iMUOlbeigfwjWk/s1600/helpful.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="217" width="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKQmPavUrSm-lAOxvbWQmQvAZOGdNgdhR7sxr8rMTYKEd4jlGAhvf6FVRAeoHusTlz4Gix8dKC1puj8MxVjk7vO9jSOluLPsHu6r8PIizdRUov8R9bAh8smU_CXnys_iMUOlbeigfwjWk/s400/helpful.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Here's where Little Miss Scatterbrain is able to FUBAR the whole process, yet again. Since she is completely unresponsive to Little Miss Helpful, she is never able to observe Dusty during visits. But since this is how the process is <i>supposed</i> to go, Little Miss Helpful continues to run her head into the brick wall a.k.a. Little Miss Scatterbrain which results in delays for services for Dusty.<br />
<br />
Little Miss Helpful eventually gives up on the idea of observing during bio mom's visit and just goes ahead with her recommendation. Shockingly, she recommends Play Therapy. That's right, the very thing RR recommended and put in a referral for within a few days of us being placed with Dusty. Little Miss Helpful came to the same conclusion. She needs Play Therapy. <br />
<br />
Now, in order to put in a referral for play therapy (mind you this was already done months ago and let lapse by Little Miss Scatterbrain), Little Miss Helpful must hold a CFT. So, we are now in July. It takes that long for Little Miss Helpful to actually get in contact with Little Miss Scatterbrain and finally nail down a CFT date and time. Nevermind that this date and time conflicts with my schedule. I cancel certain things so that I can be sure to be there and get this whole therapy ball rolling.<br />
<br />
Little Miss Scatterbrain does not show up to this CFT that we scheduled around <i><b>her</b></i>. Doesn't show up, doesn't call and actually never even addresses the fact that she completely blew this off. When I bring this to her attention a week later in an unrelated conversation, her response "I was sick and I didn't know you were going to be there, so I didn't realize I needed to let you know I wasn't going to make it". The CFT was at MY HOUSE. Not sure how she possibly thought I wasn't goin to be there. Anyway....<br />
<br />
Little Miss Helpful gets right back at setting up another CFT. It's now August. Still no CFT, still no referral for therapy. Now, we have a new CPS CM. She is ready and willing to participate in a CFT, however, she feels bio mom should be present as well. So, we need to reschedule to accomodate bio mom.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to 3 more reschedules due to bio mom's "family emergencies" and various other needs to cancel. It's now Sept. and Dusty still has no services now because mom a.k.a. <strike>Little Miss Attempted Murderer</strike>, ok, I shouldn't go there, is being allowed to delay her child's therapy (therapy she needs as a result of the actions of her mom in the first place). Is this making sense to anyone?<br />
<br />
Anyone?<br />
<br />
We finally decide to proceed with the CFT in mom's absence. And, now we can actually put in a referral for play therapy which was identified as a need over 5mos earlier. Yay for our system! And, yes, we tax payers actually pay for this incompetence.<br />
<br />
Now, it's October. I was told a referral was put in weeks ago. I still have not heard anything from the agency that is supposed to be providing the therapy. She has been with us over 6mos. We identified this need immediately. And here we are.<br />
<br />
And the worst part is, after all this pushing to get therapy started is over, we will have inadequate, ineffective therapy and I'll wonder <i><b>why</b></i> in the world I ever worked so hard to get it!<br />
<br />
And that makes me....<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikPdipj0Xb26_NFxcCZkA1OZWyR_Onkq4oPPC1juLRW0cwVsFn-qbrBnEEPVNwRirTCQN-jv4zTNsU7dialDGtehHy62Hx3zQRAXkxw8e9wIms6chclXgRsdAeGe4R-VJ6GlFx34GRM9g/s1600/frustrated.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="205" width="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikPdipj0Xb26_NFxcCZkA1OZWyR_Onkq4oPPC1juLRW0cwVsFn-qbrBnEEPVNwRirTCQN-jv4zTNsU7dialDGtehHy62Hx3zQRAXkxw8e9wIms6chclXgRsdAeGe4R-VJ6GlFx34GRM9g/s400/frustrated.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Looks like this will just be a post about problems with no tips or solutions. Oh, how I wish it could be different :(<br />
<br />
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<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-63833351157226763152012-09-19T20:45:00.000-07:002012-09-19T20:46:26.784-07:00Foster Parent Forum<br />
I have added a foster parent forum to my blog! My hope is that foster parents can use this to connect with each other, ask questions, post prayer requests etc.<br />
<br />
Look for the "Foster Parent Forum" page at the top, click on it and post under one of the topics or start your own!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpcV5KBaupbo0_BcHG98zkqT6ghCLEw8em7O6NJT3bFUZXp_YNOR8U8768oPY3A0Pk-HzXkucoMAUTPTAiEmrsCtVlwNm2whVIpqDTsCDLwwaYH-oY2EZc9b9420cJMw_vEGaL1HXggqU/s1600/pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="311" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpcV5KBaupbo0_BcHG98zkqT6ghCLEw8em7O6NJT3bFUZXp_YNOR8U8768oPY3A0Pk-HzXkucoMAUTPTAiEmrsCtVlwNm2whVIpqDTsCDLwwaYH-oY2EZc9b9420cJMw_vEGaL1HXggqU/s400/pic.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-47821138980091900982012-09-15T13:40:00.000-07:002012-09-15T13:42:28.935-07:00Let's Play Dumb, Part II<br />
<b>Nonsense questions and chatter:</b><br />
<br />
In our home currently we have Jenny, 6y.o. who came to us a year ago. In the beginning, she asked lots of nonsense questions, questions you knew she knew the answer to or questions designed to interrupt whatever was going on in the home.<br />
<br />
We have a couple of techniques that we use with Jenny that have worked pretty well. I'll share those below.<br />
<br />
We also have Dusty, 3y.o. who has been with us a little over 5mos now, who still regularly chatters to herself or to others in a frenzied, nonsensical manner. Often, her chatter are not real words or are mumbled in such a way that they are not possible to understand. Little Molly, 5y.o. who is no longer in our home (you can read about her <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/02/shes-staying.html">here</a> and <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/05/worst-part.html">here</a>) came to us at age 4 and also did lots of nonsense chatter, made up words, mumbled speech etc. What stands out about this behavior for me with both girls, is that it is done in an almost panicked manner. It is as if you can hear the anxiety rising the more they chatter on and on.<br />
<br />
It is for this reason, that we choose to stop that behavior in our home. You could just ignore the chatter and not respond to it until the child makes it clear who s/he is talking to and appropriately addresses and gets your attention. And sometimes I do that. But often, I put one hand gently on the child and say "shhhh". To me, it feels like a reminder to be calm, to stop all the nervous energy. <br />
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The reality is, I am not really sure why they do this behavior. In some ways it seems like anxiety, in others it seems like an attempt to communicate a want without having to directly address anyone (sometimes you can make out certain words in the chatter which might include "I want ___"), or as I have mentioned before a way of controlling conversation. If they are always chattering or asking questions, they are controlling the flow of the conversation. Since ignoring this behavior is somewhat difficult for me (I have a hard time "tuning out"), I prefer to just stop it. Otherwise, I am gritting my teeth trying to ignore it and my frustration levels start rising. <br />
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If a "shhh" doesn't do the trick, I will say "It's time to sit quietly now, no more talking".<br />
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Some other things we do with this behavior is to require the kids to use their "big girl voices" when addressing us. If they want to ask for something or need to tell me something, they need to do it in a manner that is loud enough and clear enough for me to hear and understand the first time. Otherwise, I can't hear it and I don't keep asking for them to repeat themselves. It's a very common behavior for kids with attachment disorder to try to get you to lean in close and ask "what?" repeatedly. Don't do this. When they want to be heard, they will be.<br />
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<b>Now for nonsense questions:</b><br />
<br />
In my <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/08/lets-play-dumb-part-i.html">previous post</a>, there is a YouTube video of Christine Moers discussing how she handles nonsense questions. We have also implemented those techniques and they work pretty well.<br />
<br />
The first thing I did with Jenny was come up with a word or phrase that I would incorporate into my answer anytime she asked a question I knew she knew the answer to or a question that was just total nonsense. For us, I picked "cheese and pickles". At first, she seemed confused or surprised by my answers. She also giggled at them a little because it is funny to randomly start talking about cheese and pickles. But soon, she was annoyed by these answers.<br />
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Here is one conversation I remember specifically:<br />
<br />
Jenny: "what is that white stuff in the road?" <br />
<br />
Me: "I don't see any white stuff in the road"<br />
<br />
Jenny: "There (pointing)"<br />
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Me: "I must have missed it when we drove past. I don't know what it was"<br />
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Jenny: "right there" (poining to the lane lines)<br />
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Me: (now, finally realizing what she is actually asking) "Oh, I think that's cheese and pickles"<br />
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Jenny: "No, those white lines in the middle of the road"<br />
<br />
Me: "Yeah. They are cheese and pickles"<br />
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Jenny: "No! The white lines, what are they?!" (getting frustrated)<br />
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This went on for a while before: <br />
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Jenny: "I think it's paint" <br />
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Me: (thinking, but did not actually say aloud) "BUSTED"<br />
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After a few of these conversations, Jenny asks "why do you always talk about cheese and pickles?"<br />
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Me: "Oh, it's a game. I thought you wanted to play it. Everytime you ask something silly, I answer with something silly, like cheese and pickles."<br />
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Jenny: "I don't like that game"<br />
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Me: "Oh, it seemed like you liked it because you always started playing it with me. Ok, if you don't like that game, don't start playing it and I won't play it with you anymore"<br />
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Jenny: "Ok"<br />
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This stopped her for a little while, then the next time she asked a nonsense question, the cheese and pickles came out again and Jenny says: "Remember I told you I don't like that game?"<br />
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Me: "Oh yes, I remember. I thought you wanted to play it again"<br />
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Jenny: "I don't"<br />
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Me: "Ok, then don't play it anymore. I only play it when you tell me you want to by asking me silly questions".<br />
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That was the last time we talked about cheese and pickles. This behavior hasn't gone away 100%, but it is far less than it used to be. <br />
<br />
In some ways, however, she just traded in asking nonsense questions for asking questions as a way to constantly be interrupting. This one has been harder for us to deal with. Typically, I ignore these questions. But, again, ignoring is hard for me. They are <b><i>persistent</i></b> and have a way of not being ignored. Other times, I may just put my hand up to gesture "stop" and I will say "this is not a good time for questions". We have also given a max. number of questions allowed per day. Once she reaches that max, she cannot ask anymore questions and if she does, she has to go have some quiet time where she can't pester anyone with questions.<br />
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This one is harder for me because it requires me to keep track of how many questions she has asked. And as easy as that sounds, it is actually not. Since she is often asking questions at busy, chaotic times, she is intentionally doing it at a time hoping to catch you off guard. So, I don't always catch all of her questions in order to count them and keep track. This then creates a dynamic where the sneakier she is, the more undetected questions she can slip in and we now have a kid trying to "trick" me and maintain control, which is exactly what you <i><b>do not</b></i> want to be happening. I'm still trying to work out how to effectively implement this system.<br />
<br />
So....<br />
How is it in your house? Do you deal with these issues as well? What works for you?<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-27324966541671755412012-08-22T21:22:00.000-07:002012-08-22T21:22:50.793-07:00Back to School w/RAD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBTBCrer5vWFTfkvF2mu-r6jsPvjU4pMoW2iGhiZfFreQFhA5X2Zb14Clcu6UCI0w5Qh8DuA4gHTr3_Q5NRwQ2qTGEEY6Du8wEn4-ocoBX2abBsyL3KNixluqZxuMzAItHQ1ImcPl-Mqo/s1600/back+to+school.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="221" width="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBTBCrer5vWFTfkvF2mu-r6jsPvjU4pMoW2iGhiZfFreQFhA5X2Zb14Clcu6UCI0w5Qh8DuA4gHTr3_Q5NRwQ2qTGEEY6Du8wEn4-ocoBX2abBsyL3KNixluqZxuMzAItHQ1ImcPl-Mqo/s400/back+to+school.jpg" /></a></div><br />
We have gone back to school and are in our 3rd week now at our house. For foster parents that have school agers with attachment issues, this can be tricky.<br />
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For us, our first grader does well in school and is liked by her teachers, so there are not the behavioral issues that many parents of kids with attachment disorder deal with around back to school time.<br />
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With Jenny, 6yo, our issues tend to be the more sneaky behaviors. For example, she may "forget" to bring home important communication from the teacher, she tries to eat breakfast at school when she had a full breakfast at home, gets up during class to get a tissue or a drink of water and may ask lots of questions intended to disrupt instruction time, asks to go to the bathroom excessively, takes numerous trips to the nurse for minor scratches or tummy aches, headaches or other made up ailments, tries to get special treatment (wants to sit closest to teacher, holds her hand, sits in her lap, asks for more of something that the whole class may be getting). Many of these things can even go unrecognized by the teacher or seen as minor infractions compared to the kid whose throwing blocks at her head.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAcFMKls4JVfW68tshqyu5yufhr4aNBTazuo4CGdxqWy0l56ptiivecvSHOiAZmBD1YZM1X7zsqlGqgLKoCUhMwNFOdNwr9krmqa7rbWYU9X0jHYyY97hz1w_vyvCZT70CmYxqolpiQKQ/s1600/back+to+school.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="199" width="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAcFMKls4JVfW68tshqyu5yufhr4aNBTazuo4CGdxqWy0l56ptiivecvSHOiAZmBD1YZM1X7zsqlGqgLKoCUhMwNFOdNwr9krmqa7rbWYU9X0jHYyY97hz1w_vyvCZT70CmYxqolpiQKQ/s400/back+to+school.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Here are some <a href="http://www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com/behaviors.htm">common issues that kids with attachment disorder have in school</a><br />
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This <a href="http://www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com/behaviors.htm">list</a> covers several things teachers may encounter. One that we have seen with Jenny is what they call "Nuisance Behaviors"<br />
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<b>Nuisance behaviors</b>: <i>These are frequently occurring minor infractions (such as interrupting or asking excessive questions) that disrupt the simplest of everyday interactions. These nuisance kinds of behaviors serve a dual purpose. First, they serve as ongoing reminders that the AD student is not under the teacher's domain. Secondly, they are "probes" that the AD child sends out into the environment to acquire information about the situation. From others' reactions to these "behavioral probes", AD children begin to piece together who is punitive and who is supportive; who will respond and who will ignore; who has a short fuse and who has a longer fuse, etc. The AD child uses the responses to his probes to figure out how to "work" the adults. When the AD child feels confident that he knows how to maneuver the teacher, the "honeymoon" will be over. </i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Cau_0sC-OUWpbSSJjSm3TrXl2Jljnle_d8YZ026PD884FTDiUXAN_4hIPo9CMHuZnxoG4NzvOMR3vqgzGcOAAfXamFd2j3mtCWIAo4BPE7Ms91TxeAtF61XZfeuUaOOzJuIxhqPi8n8/s1600/classroom+behaviors.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="183" width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Cau_0sC-OUWpbSSJjSm3TrXl2Jljnle_d8YZ026PD884FTDiUXAN_4hIPo9CMHuZnxoG4NzvOMR3vqgzGcOAAfXamFd2j3mtCWIAo4BPE7Ms91TxeAtF61XZfeuUaOOzJuIxhqPi8n8/s400/classroom+behaviors.jpg" /></a></div><br />
With our first placement of teen brothers, we had complaints from teachers about more outwardly disruptive behaviors in class, inability to focus on work, regressive behaviors (also listed on the link) coupled with his demonstration of real intelligence and ability to do good work.<br />
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<b>Work production</b>: <i>The AD child most often either refuses to do assignments outright or does them in a haphazard, perfunctory manner. Occasionally, these children will apply themselves and often turn in a credible product when they do so. These seeming "lightning bolts" of intelligence, motivation, and effort are generally all too appealing to the adult world of teachers and parents; and that is precisely their purpose. The AD child dangles these moments of production in front of the adults to tantalize them into a game of trying to figure out what to do to get the AD student to perform like this more often. Taking this bait and entering this game is exactly like stepping in quicksand. The more the adults struggle to get the child to perform, the deeper the adults sink into the muck. Meanwhile, the AD child is "laughing all the way to the bank". </i><br />
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Since he was our first, we were pretty clueless on attachment disorder. I can't tell you how many times I found myself just puzzled at his ability one day and his complete inability the next. I absolutely took the bait and drove myself nuts trying to come up with ways to motivate him.<br />
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This brings me to homework:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5J28lhxzJCH-xbuASX9ZiRhNgOaSBYRyqdNzEcg2ueKTE2g4BkDzmhEK2sqkVSmcagP7dYvrtqRlmeOxBx1rvLSO3wvHAq_feE2s-B4lI3_8z8eMzC9LOgR26YI2hyphenhyphenuZnITTeRydlaUw/s1600/homework.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="241" width="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5J28lhxzJCH-xbuASX9ZiRhNgOaSBYRyqdNzEcg2ueKTE2g4BkDzmhEK2sqkVSmcagP7dYvrtqRlmeOxBx1rvLSO3wvHAq_feE2s-B4lI3_8z8eMzC9LOgR26YI2hyphenhyphenuZnITTeRydlaUw/s400/homework.jpg" /></a></div><br />
There are great ideas <a href="http://www.attachment.org/pages_teachers_homework.php">here</a> about how to deal with <a href="http://www.attachment.org/pages_teachers_homework.php">homework issues</a>.<br />
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Don't go crazy trying to stay on top of your child's homework. If they are really struggling and need extra help with concepts (this can be hard to determine since they fake lack of understanding really well), get help before or after school or during lunch from the teacher, get a tutor if needed, but make it the child's responsibilty to organize themselves (give them tools to stay organized and tips, but don't clean out their backpacks for them, track down assignments etc), explain good study habits (like planning ahead for tests and projects, writing down assignments, taking notes, asking questions of the teacher etc) then step back and let them do it.<br />
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There are a few letters written to teachers that I have found on various sites that explain attachment disorder and give teachers tips on how to deal with classroom behaviors and the importance of communication with the parents. This <a href="http://www.attachment.org/pages_teachers_letter.php">one</a> from Nancy Thomas is pretty thorough.<br />
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Here is my honest opinion about this approach with teachers: Although this is of high importance to me and my family, it's just one student of many to the teacher. Not to say that teachers don't care, that's not it at all. But teachers have not committed to parenting this child and educating themselves on all the things they possibly can about attachment disorder. So, if the child is not causing major issues in the classroom, I'm not sure the teacher is going to really want to read through and take to heart all that <a href="http://www.attachment.org/pages_teachers_letter.php">this letter</a> says.<br />
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You also run the risk of sending the message to the teacher that you want to micromanage her. The teacher may very well think, you are one parent with one child and they have taught many, many students over the years - "I got this" may be their attitude. And truthfully, that would probably be my attitude as a teacher. So, for me, it's tough finding the right balance between giving the teacher necessary info, not allowing the child to triangulate the adults in this situation and letting the teacher know I am not questioning her expertise.<br />
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Some things in this letter, however, that I think are particularly important and should be brought to the teacher's attention are:<br />
<br />
1. <i>CALL THE PARENTS. They will likely not be real warm about this child and can be perceived as too harsh until you get to know them better. Have them in to talk with you about this issue. They are often hostile to outside commentary because no one without RAD information really knows what these folks are living with every day. Call them and talk about what you see in the classroom and ask if they have any other strategies for managing things.</i><br />
<br />
2. <i>Make it perfectly clear in your interactions with the child that YOU ARE THE BOSS of the classroom or activity. Remind the child, unemotionally but firmly, that you are the boss, you make the rules.</i><br />
<br />
3. <i>YOU ARE NOT THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER for this child. You cannot parent this child. You are his teacher, not his therapist, not his parents. Remind the child that her parents are where she can get hugs, cuddles, food and treats.</i><br />
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4. <i>CONSEQUENCE POOR DECISIONS AND BAD BEHAVIOR</i><br />
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5. <i>DO NOT ACCEPT POOR MANNERS OR INCOHERENT SPEECH. The child must say "May I please be excused to use the restroom?" Not "I gotta pee". And yes, they will wet themselves rather than ask appropriately just to upset you and make you think you're responsible for making them stand there too long. "I see that you wet yourself. That must not feel very good." And go back to whatever you were doing. Feel free to not respond to slurred or incoherent speech. The child will learn she cannot manipulate you into asking for a repetition or clarification. If you feel you must, tell the child you will not be able to hear him until he makes the choice to speak clearly and then turn your attention elsewhere. The child should say, "Yes, Miss Janice", "No, Mr. Sayers". "Yeah" and "nope" and "I don't know" are no longer part of the child in therapy's vocabulary – do not tolerate them in your classroom, they are disrespectful.</i> <br />
<br />
6. <i>SUPPORT THE PARENTS. The child who is losing control at home and in the classroom because folks are "on to him" will get a whole lot worse before he gets better. Listen appropriately. Absolutely redirect this child to her parents for choices, hugs, decision-making and sharing of information you believe is either not true or is designed to shock or manipulate you. Follow up with the parents. </i><br />
<br />
Hope something in here helps you all have a better school year!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6nOIDHpg_Qvvx0d3Wr9JvhGhhjJ30UE02yy-XhO4phyphenhyphenGRL4y5kjDG7bBrK9kTrNnN5HznwqAP6r-uxziscHNmPewHSgop3LntrcJX1vpuE3JQJlgpIyoFMBDXlzAr39Z31kkCiYHkOiY/s1600/sun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="206" width="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6nOIDHpg_Qvvx0d3Wr9JvhGhhjJ30UE02yy-XhO4phyphenhyphenGRL4y5kjDG7bBrK9kTrNnN5HznwqAP6r-uxziscHNmPewHSgop3LntrcJX1vpuE3JQJlgpIyoFMBDXlzAr39Z31kkCiYHkOiY/s400/sun.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-64338677717309386562012-08-18T19:38:00.002-07:002012-08-18T20:04:47.392-07:00Food Issues, part 2In my first <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/05/food-issues.html">post</a> about food issues, I listed several behaviors around food that we see regularly in our home:<br />
<br />
1. refusal to eat<br />
2. gorging with food<br />
3. asking for food constantly<br />
4. sneaking food<br />
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state<br />
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it<br />
7. eating strange food<br />
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)<br />
9. hiding or hoarding food<br />
<br />
<br />
Like I said in my original post, food issues are always present because we eat every day, multiple times a day. <br />
<br />
Shirley came to us at 18mos, she is now 2 1/2yo. When she was first placed, she would stand near her high chair and scream as her way of indicating she wanted food. On a couple of occasions, if I did not get her food quickly enough, she would go to the trash and eat food out of it.<br />
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Her sister, Jenny, would constantly ask about food, wanting to know what and when the next meal was. She would ask for food all day long even immediately after eating.<br />
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A year later, Shirley does not eat out of the trash (but will eat food she finds on the floor, on the ground or in the car no matter how old or gross it may be) and Jenny knows the rules of the house which include not asking for food between meal times and is typically very compliant with that. She still, however, asks for more food at every meal and snack and will eat far past no longer being hungry.<br />
<br />
Due to the structure we have in place around food in our home, there appears to be huge improvements in this area. Both girls have learned to slow down (now, Shirley rarely gags on her food, where before this was a daily thing), both have learned to chew with their mouths closed at least half of the time, both have learned not to ask for food between meals and snacks, Jenny has learned that saying "I'm hungry" is the same thing as asking for food, both girls have learned that eating like a pig (getting more food on themselves and the floor than in their mouths) tells me you're not really that hungry and both girls have learned that <i><b>I</i></b> say when they have had enough to eat.<br />
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But step outside our home, take them to a party where there are other people and food, send them on a visit with bio mom, take them to church where there is food, send them to school and daycare and they seem to have lost all of that learning.<br />
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They turn into begging puppies around any person outside of our household.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhD9z-Uow858AtvUhzwrSHdcClIjzuux1SJ38xxaIhe6cFGERifAyPH-sezfo3hD2IGT5jQ0DnDb2FUuZ-ElHEQV3c6uwjApFczrN2-KO7uATTWFsvvprVQCSfULUuHl1H3Sqooz7UUYo/s1600/food+begging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="236" width="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhD9z-Uow858AtvUhzwrSHdcClIjzuux1SJ38xxaIhe6cFGERifAyPH-sezfo3hD2IGT5jQ0DnDb2FUuZ-ElHEQV3c6uwjApFczrN2-KO7uATTWFsvvprVQCSfULUuHl1H3Sqooz7UUYo/s400/food+begging.jpg" /></a></div><br />
And boy, do people <i><b>love</i></b> to fall for this one.<br />
<br />
At church, they ask for snacks for the 1hr period they are away from us (right after breakfast and right before lunch). Jenny eats a full breakfast at home before school, then goes to the school cafeteria after I drop her off and has another breakfast.<br />
<br />
At visits with bio mom, they eat so much food, Shirley regularly comes home and vomits or has diarrhea. Shirley guzzles all of her drinks (even makes herself throw up on water) as if she will never have another drink. The parent aide tells us Jenny sneaks food out of her purse at visits and basically eats non-stop for the whole 4hr visit.<br />
<br />
Shirley comes home from daycare covered in food like a 1yo just learning how to eat table food would look.<br />
<br />
I'm sure I am being way too pessimistic about the improvement and that in reality, they have learned <i>some</i> element of self-control around food, <i>some</i> table manners, <i>some</i> reassurance that we will provide them food regularly, but it often feels like a year of masking an emotional issue that isn't actually healing. As I mention <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/03/signs-of-healthy-attachment.html">here</a>, a sign of a healthy attachment includes a healthy relationship with food (#23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.) And this is a glaring reminder how far they have to go.<br />
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I know, it takes time. Lots of time. *sigh* I have no patience.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggjOWywwRgr4j-nynI78GnZoSQlmyEmpqApW-TIYEd1uPBUiyJhyphenhyphenpS738xBrEsnvNAJYL8CmFaJ0Hh7RI2Ihdu_QIKNeoLpGgTcN30PXI3ZZY4y5eC8NWfyoOiyZfp5hDqh3k5CZp4ENs/s1600/takes+time.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="183" width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggjOWywwRgr4j-nynI78GnZoSQlmyEmpqApW-TIYEd1uPBUiyJhyphenhyphenpS738xBrEsnvNAJYL8CmFaJ0Hh7RI2Ihdu_QIKNeoLpGgTcN30PXI3ZZY4y5eC8NWfyoOiyZfp5hDqh3k5CZp4ENs/s400/takes+time.jpg" /></a></div><br />
In the meantime, I think I want to get these for all of our kiddos:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH1jlbstUyclnGOwghTFxxOaPlTrTbaj32Zwu2jhUpCu4iUDTGCraBzFCZOeY7VY-UAdiqi5pw8CyRyAPlN70lAh66N_LuKKFZ4-wW4sky5Qp4iRpJUojUS3BmmnSmFzBSZSxfN58hcUg/s1600/do+not+feed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH1jlbstUyclnGOwghTFxxOaPlTrTbaj32Zwu2jhUpCu4iUDTGCraBzFCZOeY7VY-UAdiqi5pw8CyRyAPlN70lAh66N_LuKKFZ4-wW4sky5Qp4iRpJUojUS3BmmnSmFzBSZSxfN58hcUg/s400/do+not+feed.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-71078234798041269192012-08-01T15:13:00.000-07:002012-11-09T09:14:01.185-08:00Let's Play Dumb - Part IThis started turning into a very lengthy post, so I decided to make it part 1 on the subject (I have a lot to say :)<br />
<br />
Oh the joys of living with kids who want <b><i>everyone</i></b> to believe they can't do it or don't understand. They're good at it too. They <i><b>almost</b></i> get me to believe they really can't or don't know. But, they're kids and no matter how good they are at manipulating a situation, they eventually slip up. They eventually show you they are more than capable. You just have to be paying attention.<br />
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One thing that <b>I</b> know that <b>they</b> don't: I've now parented and provided respite for nearly 20 kids in the past 3yrs and <i><i><b>ALL</b></i></i> of them displayed these same behaviors. I've seen it before, I've parented it before and I've seen kids get past this stage with the right interventions. So, unlike their teachers at school, their friends' parents, their parent's friends, extended family members, people at church, their neighbors etc., I'm on to them and I won't be fooled.<br />
<br />
So, what do I mean by playing dumb? Here are a few examples (if you are a foster parent, I'm sure you'll recognize a at least a few of these behaviors):<br />
<br />
<b>1.</b> <b>Asking questions you know (or at least highly suspect) they know the answer to</b> - if they <i><b>should</b></i> know the answer, they probably do. If it's something where they appear to be oblivious to the situation around them or the conversation around them, it's fake. One thing about traumatized kids is they are typically hyper-vigilant. They hear and notice everything! They are paying attention to everything! So, if they pretend to be oblivious, it's just that - <i><b>pretending</b></i>.<br />
<br />
<b>2.</b> <b>Pretending not to know how to count, know their colors, their ABCs etc.</b> - if it is age-appropriate to know these things, they probably do (at least more than they let on). This one is difficult because it's not uncommon for abused and neglected children to have developmental and learning delays which makes it more difficult to distinguish what is a real delay and what is an act. Here is one sign to look for: if they get it wrong 100% of the time, it's probably fake. Random chance would allow for a child who really doesn't know the answer to get it right sometimes. If they get it wrong every time, they're probably trying to (which means they know the right answer). Even neglected and abused children will eventually learn these things. Recognizing colors, letters, numbers are things that even when they aren't explicitly taught, kids will pick them up from their environment. So, if they seem to not be picking it up, they are likely pretending not to know (or they have a serious cognitive disability, in which case, you would probably know - it would be more obvious and effect many areas of development).<br />
<br />
<b>3.</b> <b>Appearing to not know basic life skills</b> - knowing how to eat with utensils, knowing how to get dressed properly, knowing how to walk normally (without walking into walls, tripping and falling over nothing etc), knowing how to talk/communicate appropriately (even non-verbal kids can do this or attempt to do this), and follow 1 or 2 step directions (even very small kids can do this).<br />
<br />
** I don't want to seem insensitive to kids that have real delays and need real help. Certainly, we don't want to overlook them. The reason for this post is to give foster parents who find themselves questioning their own sanity - wondering how their child could seem to know so much sometimes, then seem completely incapable other times - a different way to help their children. If your kiddo is faking incompetence, doing things for them, explaining over and over, getting frustrated and allowing them to continue to feign ignorance and lowering expectations of them, is <i><b>not</b></i> helping them.<br />
<br />
<b>So, what to do?:</b><br />
<br />
This is a great video by Christine Moers where she talks about some of the things she does when her kids play dumb:<br />
<br />
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/HDAALaVG27k" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
<br />
Here is another video that addresses nonsense questions and chatter (which can be a way of playing dumb, also a way of controlling the flow of conversation or just being annoying to those around them):<br />
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YHf4myTcIo8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
<br />
<a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/09/lets-play-dumb-part-ii.html">In part II</a>, I'll address nonsense questions and chatter specific to the kids we are currently fostering, what we do, what has worked and what hasn't. In part III, I'll talk about the oh so funny, oh so frustrating <i><b>daily</b></i> shoe fiasco and what we do about it :)<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-7985672395661646362012-07-10T22:23:00.000-07:002012-07-10T22:24:25.112-07:00LICE - Eeek!Let me start by saying I am <i><b>not</b></i> happy about being an expert on this subject. I would much rather have gained just about any other expertise as a result of fostering. But, since I had no choice in the matter, I guess I'll use my lice expert powers for good rather than evil.<br />
<br />
Here are some of the many things I have learned about lice management, treatment and prevention. Just tuck them away (or bookmark this page) in the unfortunate case that you ever need them:<br />
<br />
1. Lice are not easy to see and if you don't know what you are looking for, can be easily missed in a head check.<br />
<br />
2. Contrary to popular belief, lice do not like dirty, greasy hair.<br />
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3. Lice shampoos do not work as directed on the packaging.<br />
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4. There are lots of other necessary steps in addition to treating with shampoo.<br />
<br />
5. Combing out nits is not as easy as it sounds.<br />
<br />
6. All nit combs are not created equal.<br />
<br />
7. It takes longer than you think to completely get rid of lice.<br />
<br />
8. If you know someone has it, it's actually easier to keep from spreading to other people in the house than you might think.<br />
<br />
9. Coconut oil is my friend.<br />
<br />
10. Freaking out, yelling at kids, threatening to shave people's heads really does not help the situation.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>First, what are you looking for?</b><br />
<br />
The first time we dealt with lice, our 5 yo foster daughter was scratching her head a lot. She even <b><i>told</i></b> me she had lice (apparently she had it before, so she knew what she was talking about - eventhough she called them "fleas"). Now, if you know little Jenny*, you know that she thinks she has every single ailment under the sun. So, I didn't believe her. But I didn't want to ignore it, so I looked in her hair. <br />
Looked fine to me! <br />
The reality is, I had no idea what I was even looking for. I guess I thought it would be really obvious as soon as I looked in her hair. Well, it's not.<br />
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Here is what the bugs look like:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivXSSe61NPJNyZcHzHjfpmsmEifEwN-xvLsIyzHnFQORiydSp5P_vns0gVdQeCditSo7JFSdCBPBAHtyxY1Txpamz_tgOR8aHfhiGQzUVho1oWsReTuUbzD0o9tD5ZxwQRcAtnUJXEeJk/s1600/lice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="148" width="339" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivXSSe61NPJNyZcHzHjfpmsmEifEwN-xvLsIyzHnFQORiydSp5P_vns0gVdQeCditSo7JFSdCBPBAHtyxY1Txpamz_tgOR8aHfhiGQzUVho1oWsReTuUbzD0o9tD5ZxwQRcAtnUJXEeJk/s400/lice.jpg" /></a></div><br />
This is a blown up picture, so they are much smaller than this. As you can see they look different depending on their maturity. It takes them about 10 days to get to mature adults that can lay eggs. When doing a head check on an itchy kid, don't expect to see these guys. They move very quickly and are very hard to spot. It's not until you have treated the hair, that they begin to slow and die and then are easier to see. Also, when combing out the hair, you will likely see some both dead and still moving slowly. But don't expect to check a kid's hair for lice and see bugs. <br />
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What you will see instead are the nits:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimhi0rJ1PJ3EjfCUcAWo5tRW2qlc8LzeXf5CtIXX2wWkuU0vzdxejHXMuf7Fg8ow3pb8klrVgmH3MAWAxXHQlkQzMJ27J2VDADhPBf_BrVN_YLey__ZaaVgaicKF75h3MXSGWE0_x0OPI/s1600/nits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="206" width="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimhi0rJ1PJ3EjfCUcAWo5tRW2qlc8LzeXf5CtIXX2wWkuU0vzdxejHXMuf7Fg8ow3pb8klrVgmH3MAWAxXHQlkQzMJ27J2VDADhPBf_BrVN_YLey__ZaaVgaicKF75h3MXSGWE0_x0OPI/s400/nits.jpg" /></a></div><br />
These are very tiny and also very hard to see, especially if you don't know what you are looking for. Is it dandruff, food, dirt, lint? It really is pretty hard to tell.<br />
<br />
Here is what distinguishes nits from dandruff, food, dirt, lint:<br />
<br />
* Nits are attached to the hair shaft with a strong "glue". If you see what looks like a nit, but it easily comes off the hair (from just movement), it's not a nit. <br />
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* Nits are tear drop shaped and almost translucent white, however, as the lice grows in the egg, it becomes more brown. So, don't expect to see a big white egg (that's what I was looking for).<br />
<br />
<b>If your child has lice:</b><br />
<br />
There are some different options here. You can purchase lice shampoo and treat with that first. Then follow up with the coconut oil treatment I will explain here. Or you can skip the lice shampoo and go straight to coconut oil treatment.<br />
<br />
How to decide? <br />
<br />
It's totally up to you. We used lice shampoo the first time because we didn't know any other way. We also followed the directions on the shampoo packaging because we didn't know any better. The first time, we not only had 5 yo Jenny* with lice, but also 4 yo Molly* and 2 yo Shirley* who all shared a room. It had not spread to anyone else in the family (2 adults and 3 other kids) who did not share a room with Jenny. If you have a bit of an infestation like we did (she had an itchy head for a while and had spread it to 2 other kids before we identified it), you'll probably want to do the shampoo. In subsequent "outbreaks", we caught it early, contained it to only one child and opted to skip the shampoo method.<br />
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Part of why I do not use the lice shampoo, is because I have found that I don't <b><i>need</i></b> to use it, to get rid of the lice. I'd rather not put all of that pesticide on my kids heads if I don't have to. I'm not even a fan of using commercial shampoos because of the toxins I'm worried will absorb into the blood stream via the scalp. So, all of the heavy duty pesticide in those shampoos is not really something I want to use unless I have to.<br />
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I also do not find that it works <i><b>better</b></i>. So, it is not a matter of using a less effective alternative in order to avoid chemicals. It's just as effective of an alternative (in my opinion). Another reason, lice shampoos are expensive. My husband, however, has more peace of mind when we use the shampoo. So, if that is where you are at, I totally get it.<br />
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<b>If you use the shampoo</b>:<br />
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1. Keep it on the hair for an hour (or as close to an hour as you can get 45+ min.) - the packaging says 10min. That does not work. Per the nurse at our pediatrician's office, it is because the lice have become more resistant to the pesticides, so it takes much longer exposure to kill them.<br />
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2. Comb out the dead bugs - do not use the stupid plastic combs that come with the kit. They don't work. Instead buy the metal ones that look like this:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXeBm2LmBBagclUTsCIGjMbe-jAFrrbWQ-Z-839gJicmJVFugcHYHP7G8fuTtu84ztlYSYK6viRxxfz9WMz0chaW2bj7FNZC_ldob6KU8r0kcyKFKqiiMs17dKP_Lh5XNMZCEOtNZ6HFU/s1600/good+comb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="167" width="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXeBm2LmBBagclUTsCIGjMbe-jAFrrbWQ-Z-839gJicmJVFugcHYHP7G8fuTtu84ztlYSYK6viRxxfz9WMz0chaW2bj7FNZC_ldob6KU8r0kcyKFKqiiMs17dKP_Lh5XNMZCEOtNZ6HFU/s400/good+comb.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Don't bother with the gel that comes with the kit either. It gets so gooped up, you can't even tell what you are combing out or if you are even getting anything. Just comb through the wet hair after rinsing out the shampoo. <br />
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3. Wait the 2 days as stated on the package before going to the coconut oil treatment.<br />
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4. Wash all clothing, bedding, towels in hot water immediately after use. You will want to do this every day until you are sure the lice are gone. This can be one of the more frustrating parts of dealing with lice. We had 3 little girls who took naps every day, so I was washing bedding for 3 beds 2x per day.<br />
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<b>After shampoo <i>or</i> instead of shampoo - coconut oil</b>:<br />
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1. Buy yourself a jar of coconut oil:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6rsKEPcKWMkigVScFFRzpK_RNIjBxpWuhzuYoO82O7s7dHR-HnWCt8l0jw91BJt2IkUvbX1i-MpVfId5jh9ppknP8Ztwc_h0qlZHGpkVjyfHERrCJRZ8p1GQWF87kJw-DGhds4soYbQ4/s1600/coconut+oil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="224" width="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6rsKEPcKWMkigVScFFRzpK_RNIjBxpWuhzuYoO82O7s7dHR-HnWCt8l0jw91BJt2IkUvbX1i-MpVfId5jh9ppknP8Ztwc_h0qlZHGpkVjyfHERrCJRZ8p1GQWF87kJw-DGhds4soYbQ4/s400/coconut+oil.jpg" /></a></div><br />
When you have time, google all the great uses for coconut oil. You'll be wanting to keep a couple of jars on hand.<br />
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It will likely be solid when you buy it. It has a very low melting temp, so as soon as summer hits here in Phx, it stays in liquid form at room temperature.<br />
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2. Coat the hair with coconut oil. If it is solid, scoop some out, rub it in your hands (this will melt it quickly), then rub it all over the hair. Make sure to get a good coating all over the hair. <br />
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3. Comb out the hair (use the metal comb - see above). The coconut oil will not kill the bugs the way the shampoo will, but it will slow them considerably. The coconut oil makes the hair too slippery for the lice to cling to, so they are easier to comb out. If you have already used the shampoo method 2 days earlier, you may be combing out dead bugs that you missed the first day. Otherwise, expect live bugs. I keep a small bowl (actually an old sour cream container) with hot water and vinegar right next to me while I comb as well as paper towels. You will need to clean out the comb frequently (basically every pass through the hair). So, the bugs and nits go straight into the hot vinegar water as I comb them out. Lice cannot live in high heat, so the hot water should kill them, but I also use vinegar b/c, well, I use it on everything.<br />
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4. You can wrap the head in a shower cap if your child will keep that on. We tried saran wrap, then shower cap. It didn't really stay on and it isn't really necessary. Just leaving the coconut oil in the hair makes it hard for the bugs to move and makes it hard for the nits to glue to the hair shaft. If the hair is dripping with oil (it shouldn't be after combing it out), you can blot it with a paper towel. But, keep the oil in the hair for a couple of days (2-3), combing through each day. This will get oil on clothes and bedding. I have not had an issue with it washing out though. <br />
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5. Shampoo the hair with regular shampoo, then rinse with vinegar. Lice do not like vinegar and it also helps dissolve the "glue" that holds the nits to the hair. Also, apple cider vinegar is a natural hair conditioner. Rinse with vinegar, then rinse out the vinegar with water.<br />
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6. You can also blow dry the hair since the heat can kill the lice too.<br />
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7. Continue to comb out hair daily until you are no longer finding nits. Check the hair periodically even after you stop finding nits to make sure you didn't miss any. Nits will hatch after about 7-10 days then take another 10 days to mature to lay more eggs. So, if you miss any nits, you want to be sure you are regularly checking so that if they do hatch into bugs, you can get them out before they lay more eggs. I find combing them out with the oil in the hair to be much easier and more effective, but I do like to comb dry hair every once in a while, because they are easier to see in dry hair.<br />
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<b>Home Care:</b><br />
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1. Make sure to wash all bedding, towels, clothing and anything else that is washable in hot water immediately after use.<br />
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2. Vaccum carpets, couches, car seats, mattresses and anything that cannot be washed. We also use lice spray (it smells like bug spray) on all of these surfaces before and/or after vaccumming at least once per day. Luckily, we have leather couches and leather interior in the car, so there was less to have to spray.<br />
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3. Pillows and stuffed animals and other items that cannot be washed can be put into black trash bags, tied up tight and left sealed for at least 10 days. Some things that I have read said to keep it tied up for 30 days. I really can't see why that is necessary since lice cannot live off the human body for more than 4 days or so (and that is in mild temps - shorter for hotter temps). Nits can live off the human body for up to 10 days, but will not hatch in high heat (or extreme cold). We left ours in the garage (and in Phx, that's HOT). You can also put those items in the dryer on high heat. Honestly, we threw a lot of these things away the first time. Partly due to paranoia and partly because we really had no idea how bad everything was since it took us so long to catch the lice in the first place. Since that first time, we have dealt with it several more times because one of our placements was having overnight visits with bio parents and came home with lice <i><b>every time</b></i>. So, once a week, we had to manage and treat lice. Fun, fun!<br />
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<b>Prevention:</b><br />
<br />
Once we had one of our kiddos coming back every week with lice, we had to be in prevention mode for the rest of the family. Obviously, no sharing brushes, hair products, towels, bedding etc. We kept everything cleaned as described above in Home Care.<br />
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Some other things to do:<br />
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1. Coconut shampoo - lice don't like coconut (I don't know why), so some people use coconut shampoo regularly (even the cheap Suave stuff).<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFmwEc-avoM9gwxlC5Y5dYQYyEACnbEWu-cPW6jhzeTCFFrSzPcEOIQM3W0lJXuGvvy-9Pyekil6jyLrXgn75IvfviYVGYzF1gc_vEYwyrDvNg4JFilZpR2S-CSW-Eff4JBSLVC5MMQfM/s1600/coconut+shampoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFmwEc-avoM9gwxlC5Y5dYQYyEACnbEWu-cPW6jhzeTCFFrSzPcEOIQM3W0lJXuGvvy-9Pyekil6jyLrXgn75IvfviYVGYzF1gc_vEYwyrDvNg4JFilZpR2S-CSW-Eff4JBSLVC5MMQfM/s400/coconut+shampoo.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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2. Vinegar - do a vinegar rinse once a week. Again, this is a good natural conditioner. Also, lice do not like it.<br />
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3. Tea Tree Oil - lice do not like this either. You can put a few drops in your regular shampoo as a preventative. There is a lice shield spray on the market that has a tea tree oil type smell (it might be eucalyptus or something). Our school nurse recommended this spray. You could make your own with tea tree oil or add it to the shampoo for the same effect.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrHYH5zfaCmcR7Ye_Ma81sINX-vkdT3LLi1RkB9ZpO6S3SQJL1KIzmVlkZ8LHvxaw_G5CaylfjfU3gZjzCUhYqLikdYKkFjNQNQVi87UHF5McaHPj58ZMTDPQgsj6CT_Pyc7E5RoHWWRU/s1600/tea+tree+oil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrHYH5zfaCmcR7Ye_Ma81sINX-vkdT3LLi1RkB9ZpO6S3SQJL1KIzmVlkZ8LHvxaw_G5CaylfjfU3gZjzCUhYqLikdYKkFjNQNQVi87UHF5McaHPj58ZMTDPQgsj6CT_Pyc7E5RoHWWRU/s400/tea+tree+oil.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjEVD1t5miPEGERFaUpEl3tnJ_01_32zf35oj3XuYFgT1Eu6dEY5mN5Azjwk1eEQPcn1CTnAoN0x4pCfT4b6WCIdeYVyt3fSSs4WlhiHn7cXHuQRowJZg4Yf7b0PnWsUKcCU89y1_5sCg/s1600/lice+shield.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjEVD1t5miPEGERFaUpEl3tnJ_01_32zf35oj3XuYFgT1Eu6dEY5mN5Azjwk1eEQPcn1CTnAoN0x4pCfT4b6WCIdeYVyt3fSSs4WlhiHn7cXHuQRowJZg4Yf7b0PnWsUKcCU89y1_5sCg/s400/lice+shield.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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4. Coconut oil treatment - this can also be done weekly or a couple times a month. Lots of people like how soft their hair feels afterward.<br />
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5. Keep the infected child's hair greasy with coconut oil and pulled back as much as possible.<br />
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If you regularly check your kids hair for lice, you can make sure you catch it quickly which makes it <b><i>much</i></b> easier to get rid of. Once we knew our 2yo was coming home with it after every visit, we were able to keep it just to her and none of the other family members ever got it. That is with a 2yo running around and getting into things, playing with the other kids etc, not being careful not to spread it (you know, typical 2yo stuff) and we were still able to prevent everyone else from getting it.<br />
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If you stay calm and realize it is a process and not to panic, you'll be fine. You are not going to get it all out in one day. It takes a little while. You need to be ok with the fact that it will still be in their hair for a while before it is completely gone. Just use the preventative tips for yourself and others in the home and keep working on the infected child until it's completely gone.<br />
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It's also good to remember that lice spreads by the bugs. The bugs are killed by the shampoo or the oil treatment and after that you are working on getting nits out. Although the nits can get onto things, if you are washing well and not sharing items, it's not that easy to spread. If you are combing and checking regularly any newly hatched nits should be caught before they can spread and lay more eggs. When you remember that, it's easier to be calm knowing there is a kid with a head full of nits running around your house.<br />
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The first time we had it, I felt this urgency to get it all out right away. This was impossible which made me absolutely crazy. I spent 2 hours each morning and 2 hours each night combing out hair. This lasted for 2 weeks. The kids were basically "quarantined", not allowed to play like normal, sit on anything etc. because we were so panicked about spreading it. I felt like we would never get a handle on it. I almost killed everyone in the family with all of my stress over the situation. <br />
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Once I learned how to manage it, I'm much calmer about it. It's not that hard to manage if you know what you are doing and it <b><i>will</i></b> go away.<br />
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I hope this was helpful. My head feels itchy now!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-42862965526059885142012-05-20T16:30:00.000-07:002012-05-20T16:30:56.435-07:00Food Issues<br />
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I think I should call this post <b><i>food issues, part 1</i></b>. Seriously, food issues and foster care could be its own, very, long book.<br />
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We know that food issues are always listed on RAD symptom lists. What makes it particularly difficult is just how many ways one can have issues with food. Hence, the need for a whole book. <b>Every, single, one</b> of our placements have had issues with food (except the 2 infants). This includes Shirley (who came to us at 18mos) and all of the children we have ever done respite for.<br />
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So, it's a big issue. One worth talking about. It's also one of those issues that is present all the time. We eat everyday. We eat several times a day. So, this issue is constantly being dealt with. As is the case with so many attachment related issues, it is less about the intensity of the behavior and more about the frequency and duration of them that makes it so much to deal with.<br />
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It's not like all families haven't dealt with picky eaters<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjhNuEAw31oiy41FXaFKErTO1xTNfKDA9Um3tSGRB05_-RdtDJgy6jZkX7ff5KsYUWOs2g93nmU1N2HTSfMpJAqXUPUnwlqKZl2ie1besEX8SXf8Qd55Qv3c6tEUXp8AprdVBSlHE3Uo0/s1600/picky+eater.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="168" width="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjhNuEAw31oiy41FXaFKErTO1xTNfKDA9Um3tSGRB05_-RdtDJgy6jZkX7ff5KsYUWOs2g93nmU1N2HTSfMpJAqXUPUnwlqKZl2ie1besEX8SXf8Qd55Qv3c6tEUXp8AprdVBSlHE3Uo0/s400/picky+eater.jpg" /></a></div><br />
or rude table manners<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK8l2sH87zzAv85MM_jymRGMD4uFzaHSx_GqycdOJsa3EhA0RNhKEUaNLR7DVzRluURG791e8q3EaHF6XidNhlJjA9JCkBdc5sNqGSp_qN3vscZ7qPjJw2tfIcVebH4MHlvqhH-jAc5aA/s1600/rude.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="128" width="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK8l2sH87zzAv85MM_jymRGMD4uFzaHSx_GqycdOJsa3EhA0RNhKEUaNLR7DVzRluURG791e8q3EaHF6XidNhlJjA9JCkBdc5sNqGSp_qN3vscZ7qPjJw2tfIcVebH4MHlvqhH-jAc5aA/s400/rude.jpg" /></a></div><br />
It's important to remember (especially if you are a friend or family member of a foster or adoptive family) that almost all RAD behaviors when looked at in isolation, can seem like totally normal kid stuff. This kind of thinking is what leads people to begin to think maybe the parents have unreasonable expectations or somehow don't understand that this is pretty typical kid behavior. The reality is, all kids show some of these behaviors, some of the time. If you are parenting a child that displays many of these behaviors, most of the time, it's a different ball game. <br />
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So, what kind of food issues do we see?<br />
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1. refusal to eat<br />
2. gorging with food<br />
3. asking for food constantly<br />
4. sneaking food<br />
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state<br />
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it<br />
7. eating strange food<br />
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)<br />
9. hiding or hoarding food<br />
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When we had our first placement of teen brothers, I wanted to be sensitive to their preferences. I asked lots of questions about what they like, what they don't like, what they were used to eating before. I took input on the meal planning and wanted them to feel like they had some say over what they ate. I also wanted them to feel like our family was able to make changes or incorporate some of what they wanted rather than having them have to do all of the adjusting to a new home.<br />
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This was a terrible idea! <br />
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Now, in theory, it is not a terrible idea. The boys were older and presumably could participate in these things. It's true that kids coming into your home have to do all of the adjusting and that seems sad and unfair. However, we aren't having our niece and nephew over for the summer, it isn't our friends sleep over where we ask the guest what they want to eat. We are taking care of traumatized children.<br />
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These children have unhealthy relationships and that includes unhealthy relationships with food. <br />
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Food is such a part of our early experiences with our primary caregivers. Infants are held and fed and rocked and comforted and soothed all while being nourished. Our brains are still developing and we associate food and nourishment with so much sensory input, with warmth, love and comfort. They become totally intermingled.<br />
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When there are disruptions to that normal development (cries of hunger are ignored, babies bottles are propped and left alone to eat, cries of hunger are met with an angry, abusive reaction), it has a profound impact on the child's ability to relate to other humans. It is an essential part of human existence to be in relationship with others. When that is disrupted, that is the first order of business for healing.<br />
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Repairing those broken connections should be of the utmost importance. When a child comes into your home, they need to know you are the one that meets their needs. And one of the most basic of those, is food.<br />
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So, what do <b><i>we</i></b> do?<br />
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1. specific meal and snack times (no asking for food between those times)<br />
2. eat what is offered, or do not eat, makes no difference to me. My dog would love to have your dinner, if you don't. You can try again at the next meal.<br />
3. eat appropriate amounts of food (can have more if still hungry, but I decide when you have had enough)<br />
4. eat with appropriate utensils in an appropriate way<br />
5. chew with mouth closed<br />
6. say "thank you" when served<br />
7. ask for more saying "please" and using complete sentences (if they have those verbal skills)<br />
8. no negative comments about the food ("I don't like peas", smells weird, looks funny, is good, but would be better with ___)<br />
9. no picking at food<br />
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When you start to do one of these behaviors, you are telling me that you are not hungry anymore and mealtime is over for you. In the beginning, you may be ending mealtime a lot. But they eventually get it. It's important to offer consistent mealtimes and snacks, so they have opportunity to try again a couple hours later.<br />
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You'll be able to tell when they are really hungry and when they aren't because when they really want to eat, they will use their fork or spoon like you never knew they could, they'll chew with their mouths closed and wipe their faces with a napkin. It's pretty amazing to me how nicely they can eat in one setting (our house) and how much they become like animals when eating in another setting (on visits with bio parents).<br />
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I have literally hundreds of food stories to share, so stay tuned for part 2!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-81169548593177967152012-05-10T16:07:00.000-07:002012-09-15T13:41:47.733-07:00The Worst PartThe worst part of fostering, the stuff that makes me want to quit, is not the kids and their crazy behaviors. It's the system. It's so broken. Broken to a point that feels like it is completely beyond repair. It is a system that often feels like it is actively hurting the same children it was put in place to help. And I'm a part of it. I'm regularly asked to go along with bad decisions that hurt the children in my care, children that I have been asked to care for, love, keep safe, and make a part of my family. What a ridiculous system.<br />
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Molly, who I talked about <a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2868827826050007001#editor/target=post;postID=8034355855511363931">here</a>, will be turning 5 yo tomorrow. She will also be dropped off at daycare in the morning as she is many mornings, picked up by her Parent Aide as she is every Friday for a visit with her dad. Only tomorrow, her parent aide will not be bringing her home as she usually does. Instead, she will drive her to a new home, with new parents, new siblings, new rules, new surroundings, new schools where she will live until the next time CPS chooses to move her. The reason for this move is to be placed with her brother. <br />
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We will not be permitted to meet with the new family to give Molly some continuity, to give the family info about Molly and her needs, likes, routines etc. We will not be permitted to even share this info by phone. We will not be permitted to bring Molly's belongings to the new house and Molly will not be given a chance to say goodbye to the girls she has lived with for nearly 8 mos who have become her sisters or the people who have fed her, clothed her, loved her, kept her safe and have become her second set of parents. She will also not be permitted to see us or even call us once she's moved.<br />
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Why? Surely there is a good reason for such an unfortunate move. The truth is, we aren't being told why and the more we ask to help make her transition to her new home easier, the more resistance we encounter, the more we ask "why?" aren't we being allowed to do the very thing CPS claims they want foster families to do, the more the case manager digs in her heels.<br />
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And, lest you think this is a rare, unfortunate occurrence, I'm here to tell you it's not. Has our family perhaps done something to warrant this decision making by CPS? Maybe there is good reason not to allow future contact. There's not. There is no good reason. The sad reality is, CPS often struggles with power. CPS case managers are scrutinized for their decisions, they encounter angry birth parents regularly, they are admonished by judges for not doing enough, they have high case loads and a stressful job. And unfortunately, that combination sometimes (and really, when I say sometimes, I mean most of the time) makes for a person on a power trip, a person that refuses to be questioned in any way or consider that there may be a different way to do things.<br />
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You know what's hard about doing what's best for the child? It takes more time than just doing whatever works best in your schedule. It requires you to really listen to other members of the team, gather information and take your time in making decisions. It requires you to set aside the pressing matter before you to really think about what the child is experiencing. How many times have I seen a case manager do this? Not many. Sadly, not many.<br />
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Of all the things CPS case managers are required to do, the most important is doing what's best for the child. Of all the things CPS is required to do, what do they seem to do the least well? What's best for the child.<br />
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Today is a sad day for me where I am struggling to see the good in this situation. I am wrestling with the notion that I may not be fighting this bad decision hard enough. I have learned to fight CPS is to dig your own grave. It doesn't go well. Ever. So, I not only have to sit and let this happen, I have to be an active participant in it. This is the part of fostering that makes people want to give up.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-13453867449966157852012-04-13T13:46:00.001-07:002012-04-13T13:48:20.723-07:00What the New Girl Brings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiebOcLnYChW1ZSp-Mobx-mWWZ2OPkJ0mp_WmyVBZXcGUyf0K4b045xkgJKY0xE7o-o3jD72gCjfyKDrlWEJAWRJay72ypFiwpDQZYSdHMIIbHvEReS64_Z6BfU5lybf9GAY0xNLxXsVxU/s1600/new+kid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiebOcLnYChW1ZSp-Mobx-mWWZ2OPkJ0mp_WmyVBZXcGUyf0K4b045xkgJKY0xE7o-o3jD72gCjfyKDrlWEJAWRJay72ypFiwpDQZYSdHMIIbHvEReS64_Z6BfU5lybf9GAY0xNLxXsVxU/s400/new+kid.jpg" /></a></div><br />
We got a new placement. Well, at this point, it has been nearly 2 weeks since she came. She witnessed something pretty horendous which led to her removal. I picked her up in the middle of the night from the CPS office downtown. She was understandably frightened and seemed in shock (dazed, confused etc). She came to our house and surprisingly, went right to bed and slept through the whole night.<br />
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In the days that have followed, little Dusty (3yo) has been quite the challenge. She does not answer any direct questions, usually acting as if she is not even aware you have asked a question, other times going on and on about something totally unrelated to the question.<br />
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She often babbles on with nonsensical chatter and talks to herself like Rain Man.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuxrAlrHAYoPAf67aDTaISvY50f1uBu4Up3HCZypvWok2YkXb0fsyhex9DJ_7tTEo7svru8QIU7RNhR3bgM8Cbl3djaPo4m7dyb7DfiT7H1w2QOAR6Vx8smQKPIJYyEKBE7psbE00IrKk/s1600/rain+man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuxrAlrHAYoPAf67aDTaISvY50f1uBu4Up3HCZypvWok2YkXb0fsyhex9DJ_7tTEo7svru8QIU7RNhR3bgM8Cbl3djaPo4m7dyb7DfiT7H1w2QOAR6Vx8smQKPIJYyEKBE7psbE00IrKk/s400/rain+man.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Hence the blog name, Dusty. I know, I'm so clever. Where is your sense of humor people?<br />
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She also wanders aimlessly, seems to have no concept of following directions or cause and effect or consequences. She has bad table manners, rude, demanding speech, doesn't play well with the other kids at home and hits the kids at her daycare. So, our newest addition brings lots of challenges. She has also brought lots of discussion about how we wish we had gotten on the list for a baby. Several of us wanted a baby, but opted to go on the list for a more open range and see who God brought to us. My 12 yo son said "Next time you and dad start talking about 'let's see who God brings us', remember who He brought this time and just go on the list for a baby". <br />
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And I certainly have had my doubts, saying things like "she just doesnt seem to be getting with the program here" and secretly (or not so) wishing the middle of the night call had been for a baby and not little Dusty. I've also really questioned why God would put such another challenging child in our home when we already had 3.<br />
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And this is what He showed me:<br />
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In one of the first few days here, we had to get Dusty accustomed to asking for things in an appropriate manner. All of the kids that have come in our home have struggled with this. It is very common for them to say "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" or "I want that" or even "give me that". First, we teach them to say "please" and "thank you". If they can't get this minimum requirement, they don't get to have it. If they say "please", but refuse to say "thank you" once it is given to them, we immediately take it away. <br />
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Soon after that, they are required to ask for things in complete sentences (those who have the verbal skills to do that). So, we don't just say "please", we say "please can I have some juice?" And <i><b>every single time</b></i> the "new kid" will say "please?" I'll say "please what?" They'll continue to repeat "please?" I'll model for them several times repeat after me "please can I have some juice?" They will say "please" and they will even say "can I have some juice?" but they will refuse to say the two things together. It's exhausting. And they are <b><i>good</i></b>! They have cornered the market on making people actually believe they are incapable of doing it, that they really don't understand. Foster parents: DONT FALL FOR THAT TRICK! It may take a while, but if they want that juice badly enough, they will do it exactly the way you ask them to. And it is sooooo important that they do it exactly the way you ask them to. <b>For one</b>, it teaches them who is in charge. We have lots of conversations at the beginning of placement as to who is in charge. "Who is the Boss?" we ask. "I'm the boss, I'm in charge because I keep you safe." Repeat, repeat, repeat. <b>Secondly</b> it reinforces that the primary caregiver is the one that meets their needs. Their primary caregiver is the one they go to when they need something, want something, need help, need/want nurture and comfort. We don't walk around saying "I'm hungry" into the wind and food falls out of the sky. That's not how it works, we look to our primary caregivers to take care of us.<br />
<br />
Both of these concepts of who is in charge and keeps us safe and who meets our needs are totally foreign to kids in foster care or at least very skewed and unhealthy. So, it's not that I am a control freak and want everything done <b><i>my</i></b> way, although I am painfully aware that it appears that way to almost everyone outside of our family. It's because they <i><b>need</b></i> that more than anything else you can give them right now. Even more than they need that hug and that comfort (not that that's not super important, but in the beginning, they need to know who is in charge, who keeps them safe and who meets their needs. Those hugs and comfort are so much more meaningful within that context).<br />
<br />
So, back to my story. <br />
<br />
Dusty was asking for something. We were still at the stage where she just needed to say "please". She had been told several times to say "please" and she had been reminded several times "that is not how we ask for things here". At this point, she was sitting on the couch (because she was playing inappropriately and now had to sit out). She babbled on and on about being thirsty and being hungry and a bunch of other nonsense words. It was annoying, but I was going about my day, cleaning up and doing things in the kitchen. I was done reminding her that she needed to say "please". She already knew that, so we were done. She could sit on that couch all day and mumble about food. It didn't matter to me.<br />
<br />
Then, out of nowhere, Shirley (2yo) walks over to Dusty on the couch, leans in real close to her face and yells "peash!" Now, Shirley has always been my biggest challenge. She too had her time of refusing to say "please" and "thank you". And here she was in her little baby voice yelling at this "new girl" to say please! It's as if she was saying, "just get it right already because this is annoying!" I cracked up laughing. <br />
<br />
And over the course of the next several days, I have seen both Shirley (2yo) and Molly (4yo) coaching Dusty. Molly has taken very much to the helper role. She loves that she is big and knows the rules and routine of the house and can show them to Dusty. She loves the praise she gets when she is working really hard to do things right. And I have been able to see in a way that is so much clearer that the girls have learned, they have improved and they have internalized that behavior. They behave very respectfully toward my husband and I because we expect nothing less. But they do it now, not only because they have to in order to get what they want, but because they respect themselves too. They are proud of the way they have become in our home. They are proud to be the kids that perfect strangers come up and say "Wow. You're kids are really well behaved" (and this is in a sit-down restaurant with 6 kids).<br />
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Molly reminds me that I am her safe person, that I love her and that I take care of her. And those are all words I have given her, but now she says them spontaneously and in a context that I can tell she understands it, she feels it, she believes it.<br />
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Sometimes, in the daily grind of it all, it's hard to see the differences being made. But thanks to our new girl, Dusty, they are so much clearer.<br />
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So, maybe that's why God didn't bring us a baby!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix904sWXlB-l_CW2edBTDdPdtqmGOEpEqqdgUW7yGE9J6vu8hNbqp8GVGFhGkP9gbzrGqSdt7qc1XbsRkePVkAKIG5YkSEwZcBk_aBf14cfOu4OCGzEF_ox-Tx7bU5NVvDTkSKgaqVK4o/s1600/baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="276" width="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix904sWXlB-l_CW2edBTDdPdtqmGOEpEqqdgUW7yGE9J6vu8hNbqp8GVGFhGkP9gbzrGqSdt7qc1XbsRkePVkAKIG5YkSEwZcBk_aBf14cfOu4OCGzEF_ox-Tx7bU5NVvDTkSKgaqVK4o/s400/baby.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-65332791226609120292012-03-22T15:00:00.000-07:002012-03-22T15:00:23.360-07:00Our "RAD" Disneyland Trip<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL6jSxgn3RAx_8cH_bwdpLbrRxdfsNP2rHsZXgtU58Qg_ANLxhd-DaAX_PO0YHBVioRdQySfM-Q3ToF-dEQ7ZYiXadauVRL58JC0FF2Rnt0t8gJXF1f2N24WDlw0Cb-iryzLntrxonaJA/s1600/IMAG0963.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL6jSxgn3RAx_8cH_bwdpLbrRxdfsNP2rHsZXgtU58Qg_ANLxhd-DaAX_PO0YHBVioRdQySfM-Q3ToF-dEQ7ZYiXadauVRL58JC0FF2Rnt0t8gJXF1f2N24WDlw0Cb-iryzLntrxonaJA/s400/IMAG0963.jpg" /></a></div><br />
In the first Nancy Thomas training I ever went to about attachment disorder, she said something to the effect of "If you want to have a really crazy vacation, take a kid with attachment disorder to Disneyland". I laughed and recalled vividly our Disneyland trip from hell with our first foster placements (14y.o. and 16y.o. brothers). They had classic signs of attachment disorder, they did 99% of the "text book" things. We didn't know <i><b>then</b></i> that we would have to do all the researching and learning about this issue to understand how to deal with it. We didn't know <i><b>then</b></i> that asking professionals for help in how to deal with these boys was not only a huge waste of time, but also caused more harm than good in our family (not that there aren't great professionals out there, but you have to know more about attachment disorder to know what you are looking for in a therapist and how to ask for what is actually helpful).<br />
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So, we didn't know <i><b>then</b></i> that we were taking kids with attachment disorder to Disneyland. But <b><i>this</b></i> time, we did. We were prepared for all the odd public behaviors that kids with attachment disorder often display and we felt ready to deal with it (albeit, also a bit nervous at how badly it all could go). But, being prepared for the worst, we were pleasantly surprised with how well it all went.<br />
<br />
Little Molly (who I talked about <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/02/shes-staying.html">here</a>) did pee her pants in a moment of rage (but, we were prepared with a change of clothes for Ms. Molly who loves to pee in places other than the toilet). <br />
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There was some getting too friendly with the strangers around us, but something about Disneyland and everyone being so consumed with their own kids and their own Disney plans, meant no one really ever took the bait and engaged in this inappropriate stranger friendliness. We did have to remind the girls (just about every time) that they were not with the people in line near us and needed to stand closer to us than to them and needed to move when we moved, not them (it often looked like our kids were part of the family in line in front of us more than with us).<br />
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Shirley-poo tried her screaming tactics many times. And, so far, Disneyland is the only setting on Earth where <i><b>no one</b></i> cares that she is crying. Again, they have their own crying kids or kids on the brink of a melt-down, combined with every other kid in the place crying that they didn't get any candy, or they didn't like that ride, or they just have to have that buzz lightyear toy, to care about what is going on with my kids. Considering Shirley's scream is nothing like a tantrum and more like the sound of a child being murdered, it is still a little surprising. So, if you want to kill your kids, maybe Disneyland is your place, I'm just sayin'.<br />
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We had some walking out of our shoes too. That seems to be a thing in our house, like when Jenny did it <a href="http://fosteringinthedeepend.blogspot.com/2012/02/grieving-loss-of-normal.html">here</a>. Shirley once lost one of my favorite shoes of hers while walking through the corn maze in Schnepf farms (it was more like pretending to being dragged through the corn maze while screaming). So, we just kept a closer eye on the shoes at Disneyland since it appeared Shirley really wanted to loose them.<br />
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Shirley also tried the 'make myself fall down, so it looks like my parents are dragging me' technique, to no avail. Again, <b><i>no one</b></i> cared that she either fell or that it appeared I was dragging her. And if she stayed laying there too long, they may just run right over her. I always figured it must hurt a little or at least be uncomfortable to throw herself to the ground the way she often does in public, but the reward she gets from people oohing and ahhing about the poor little girl must outweigh the cost. Well, not at Disneyland it doesn't. At Disneyland, all it gets you is a trip to the ground and the fear that the oncoming crowd may crush you.<br />
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So, while Disneyland may be a sad commentary on our society in general, it's awesome for kids with attachment disorder!<br />
<br />
And, in all seriousness, it was fun for all of us. It was fun for our kids who have been several times, to experience it with little kids who have never gone before. It was great to see the pure joy that Molly so readily expressed throughout most of the day. It was great for my husband and I to feel so blessed with the ability to provide an amazing week-long vacation that included 2 days at Disney and trips to the beach (another first for Jenny, Molly and Shirley) for 5 kids! Not everyone has that opportunity. We also feel blessed to give the 3 little girls in our care what may be their <b><i>only</b></i> trip to Disneyland or the beach for their entire lives and possibly their <i><b>only</b></i> family vacation ever. It really was the Happiest Place on Earth.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-91481066447643036452012-03-07T10:52:00.001-08:002012-03-07T11:53:14.261-08:00Signs of Healthy AttachmentIn all of my reading and trainings and hours of perusing articles online about attachment disorder, I have come across "signs and symptoms of attachment disorder" many, many times. But today at <a href="http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=153&Itemid=118">A4everFamily.org</a>, I found a list of signs of a healthy attachment. Something about reading what "typical" kids with healthy attachments look like and how they respond to the world, gave me a new perspective. <br />
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I find that in speaking with others about attachment disorder and what it looks like, often the response is that "all kids do that" or that the behaviors described are "normal kid stuff". It becomes very difficult to explain and sometimes difficult to pinpoint, even for myself. <br />
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But when I read this list and saw that our little *Shirley (my daughter insisted our 2yo foster daughter's blog name be Shirley) does not display <b><i>any</i></b> of these things regularly (as in none, <i><b>zero</b></i> out of 38 listed) and only demonstrates very few of them (like maybe 2-3) on very rare occasions (like maybe a couple times since she was placed with us 7 mos ago, as opposed to multiple times a day), it was a clearer picture for me, a better way to pinpoint the problem. Perhaps more importantly though, it gives something to strive for. It allows me to keep in mind those things I <i><b>want</b></i> to see more of and to recognize the progress when I do see them (even if only rarely).<br />
<br />
So, here is the list:<br />
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<b>1</b>. Joyful the majority of the time. <br />
<b>2</b>. Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs. <br />
<b>3</b>. Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver. <br />
<b>4</b>. Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--both close & distant proximity. <br />
<b>5</b>. When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing signs of being happy with the interaction. <br />
<b>6</b>. Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror. <br />
<b>7</b>. Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both parent and child.) <br />
<b>8</b>. Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily consoled by primary caregiver. <br />
<b>9</b>. Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver. <br />
<b>10</b>. Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture. <br />
<b>11</b>. Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away. <br />
<b>12</b>. Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return. <br />
<b>13</b>. Can co-sleep without major difficulty. <br />
<b>14</b>. Prefers primary caregiver to all others. <br />
<b>15</b>. Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.) <br />
<b>16</b>. Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time. <br />
<b>17</b>. Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver. <br />
<b>18</b>. Enjoys skin on skin contact. <br />
<b>19</b>. Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way. <br />
<b>20</b>. Consistently sleeps well and peacefully. <br />
<b>21</b>. Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his parent happy. <br />
<b>22</b>. Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick; easily consoled. <br />
<b>23</b>. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full. <br />
<b>24</b>. Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends (discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.) <br />
<b>25</b>. Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver. <br />
<b>26</b>. Shows appropriate stranger anxiety. <br />
<b>27</b>. Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary caregiver but is able to be reassured. <br />
<b>28</b>. Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and physical contact. <br />
<b>29</b>. Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way. <br />
<b>30</b>. Is gentle to self and others. <br />
<b>31</b>. Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time. <br />
<b>32</b>. Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns. <br />
<b>33</b>. Speech/language skills are developing appropriately. <br />
<b>34</b>. Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent can soothe child.<br />
<b>35</b>. “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective. <br />
<b>36</b>. Child can identify his own feelings (at an age appropriate level.) <br />
<b>37</b>. Child can identify the feelings of others (at an age appropriate level.) <br />
<b>38</b>. Child can delay gratification (at an age appropriate level.)<br />
<br />
-A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller, PhD<br />
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It also seems that well-intentioned friends and family may be better able to see a list like this and when I say little Shirley-poo does none of these things, it might make more sense for them too. Not sure about that one though. That may be way too wishful thinking.<br />
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I've included the website for A4everFamily.org under my resources in the sidebar as this site is full of great articles on attachment and trauma related issues. So, go check it out. And send those well-intentioned friends and family members to check it out too!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-71933986673925200902012-02-26T14:03:00.001-08:002012-03-07T11:53:38.941-08:00Why Foster Kids Need Chores<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1uLBAHw9nUCJhCEcRtpDCWpSdxTtAoPkkg6n-s_UWLorwiEVtqnTlh0jAGlg7Xtz13odD5Zr80NbalnkWHuo_KRLbEi3q90V3GSqMBeyMPXyupTJv5SdWEqVNF_D4MuciDn4PHitUttY/s1600/i+love+chores.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="225" width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1uLBAHw9nUCJhCEcRtpDCWpSdxTtAoPkkg6n-s_UWLorwiEVtqnTlh0jAGlg7Xtz13odD5Zr80NbalnkWHuo_KRLbEi3q90V3GSqMBeyMPXyupTJv5SdWEqVNF_D4MuciDn4PHitUttY/s400/i+love+chores.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Ok, this is really about why <b><i>all</i></b> kids need chores, but there are some key reasons they are even <i><b>more</b></i> important for children in foster care.<br />
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1. <b>They learn to master life skills</b>: I assume you hope your children one day grow and leave your home and have homes and families of their own. Chores help kids learn how to one day manage a household. That's a skill, I assume, almost everyone will someday need.<br />
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2. <b>They learn proficiency</b>: Those of you about to argue point #1 that they can learn these things by watching mom and dad do it, or that they will learn how to do it when they need to, are not giving your children time to learn to be proficient at it. It may not seem like it, but household chores do require some skill and those skills are honed through practice.<br />
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3. <b>They learn responsibility</b>: Kids first learn how much work goes into managing a household, but they also learn that if they don't put their clothes in the hamper, their favorite shirt won't get washed. Or if they don't pick up their toys or clean their room, they will miss out on playing with their friends outside etc. They learn to be responsible for themselves and they learn that being irresponsible has consequences. Just like if mom or dad blew off their work, they would get fired and there would be a whole list of consequences that would go along with that.<br />
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4. <b>They learn to take pride in their work/belongings/personal space</b>: As they accomplish tasks, they can look back on a job well done and feel proud about that. They develop a sense of pride over their toys and other belongings and want to keep them in nice condition. They develop a sense of respect for the work that goes into maintaining their toys, their personal space and the entire house.<br />
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5. <b>They are contributing members of the family</b>: Kids learn a greater sense of community, sharing and give and take in relationships. "It's not just mom and dad's jobs to take care of everything, I can give back to the family as well". This sense of being a contributing member will be important throughout their lives, at school, group projects, at work, when they get married, become parents etc. <br />
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<b>“A family requires each person to be responsible for certain chores in order to make the home work,” says Dr. Christopher Johnston, a licensed clinical professional counselor. “Character development implies that you are aware of your surroundings and the people who take care of you.”</b><br />
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6. <b>They learn patience</b>: Some chores take a while to complete (especially, if they are expected to do the job correctly). Kids learn to be patient through that process. They also learn to delay gratifiation, if for example, they are not allowed to play outside until their chore is finished. They have to be patient, do the work first, then get to do what they would rather be doing.<br />
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I'm sure most of this is pretty obvious stuff. So, what keeps us from having our kids do chores?<br />
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1. <b>We are busy</b>: It's much easier and faster and less hassle if I just do it myself. Little ones that are just learning need extra explanation and help doing it right. Bigger kids who can do it by themselves just fine, may need lots of <strike>nagging</strike> reminding, may complain about it and make it all a lot more frustrating than if we just did it ourselves. However, we could also argue that doing their homework for them would be a lot easier and faster too, but we all know that isn't good for them. Neither is doing their chores. So, stop it :)<br />
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2. <b>The kids are too busy</b>: This may be a sign your child is overcommitted with activities if they do not have enough time to do 10, 20, even 30 minutes of chores each day. Remember, we are busy too. But, we still need to get the laundry done, make dinner, give the kids baths etc. We are allowing our children to live in a fantasy world where being too busy means the chores go away. They still need to get done, no matter how busy you are and kids need to learn that sooner rather than later.<br />
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I better just stop now and clear something up. We do not have a perfect system in this house, sometimes it's not even an ok system. We don't even have a clean house. My kids complain about chores, I often find myself just doing it for them to avoid the headache and to make sure it's done <i><b>right</b></i>. I think we all do that. So this post is not to come across like I have this down and am preaching to all of you to do it like me. Not at all. I have seen homes that have chores down to a science and seem to run very smoothly and I am envious of them. The point of this post is to remind us of <i><b>why</b></i> we give kids chores and for those of us with foster children to remember it is just as important for them, if not <b><i>more</b></i> so.<br />
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And here is why:<br />
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Children in foster care come from hard places that have effected their ability to be in healthy relationships with others. The idea of reciprocity in relationships is often a completely foreign concept. Having chores allows them to understand the give and take in life (see #5 above). <br />
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One of the things that really struck me the most as a new foster parent was this sense of entitlement it seemed the kids in our care felt. My assumption was that they came from so little, that everything they got in our home would be so much more appreciated. Not that I needed appreciation for my own benefit, but I had this idea that kids would view things from the perspective of "Wow! This is great. I've never had these things, this opportunity, these experiences before. I better treasure them." <b>WRONG!</b> It's absolutely nothing like that. In fact, what I give them is never good enough. The stuff, the experiences, the attention is often clouded by their never ending search to "get more".<br />
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As I have learned more about attachment disorder, I now understand this behavior. But it was shocking at first and very disappointing. Not to mention, super hard to deal with. But because I understand a child in foster care's need to understand healthy relationships, I understand the importance of my job to teach it to them. Think of them as starting out with a major disadvantage. They need the accelerated training program to catch up, <i><b>not</b></i> the easier, softer version because of where they come from.<br />
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So, what chores do our kids do?:<br />
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Like I said, we don't have an elaborate system. Some super creative, organized people out there have some great ones like these:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm7F2_qBcTEzFa6IXaQ9eYYPLcVMqGSrTAGtEmfew9HF_Nk3znnqpH7ro7XZAGY9yIdZWOapO3Ed8JwKa8Ls1gCFHlGx6GyBrCcso3uG5rEnGltIXuCYgxY5DZWQ9jr0fQbOBjnGCNqH0/s1600/ChoreChart1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="395" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm7F2_qBcTEzFa6IXaQ9eYYPLcVMqGSrTAGtEmfew9HF_Nk3znnqpH7ro7XZAGY9yIdZWOapO3Ed8JwKa8Ls1gCFHlGx6GyBrCcso3uG5rEnGltIXuCYgxY5DZWQ9jr0fQbOBjnGCNqH0/s400/ChoreChart1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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In our home, <i><b>all</b></i> of the kids are expected to pitch in. At mealtimes, the kids clear their own dishes, rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. The 2yo, clears the dishes and puts her trash in the garbage can, but isn't yet ready for rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. But our 4y.o. can get a stool and rinse her dish in the sink and put it in the dishwasher:<br />
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1. <b>Meal clean up</b> - We require that everyone stays in the kitchen until the after dinner clean up is done, even if your individual job is complete. We do this so the little kids, who have less to do typically, are still available to help as needed. But mostly, we do this so that it's a team effort. No one sits down or goes to play until all the work is done. This helps all the kids to have an understanding of how much work is involved and not just be focused on their one task. Again, there is an emphasis on the relational part of chores. Although, their task may be done in 5 min, they can pitch in to help someone else's job go faster. <br />
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Our two oldest kids are 9yo and 12yo, so they are able to load and unload the dishwasher, clean the bathroom, take out the trash, feed the dogs, vaccum, sweep, mop, pretty much do any household chore. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5k8zRmBlzz6vVq92ZjtuZ8roonaoHxMB9laq27n4WxdlG4_sbKMZtkRnmGUmpjRcTdRaT_UotO-Iit7j-fROoj_GYgstG31GHh1utkvWn6nR_cFFOOlsSTbd_4iNKDE8ZzzahfMBHDzU/s1600/laundry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="183" width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5k8zRmBlzz6vVq92ZjtuZ8roonaoHxMB9laq27n4WxdlG4_sbKMZtkRnmGUmpjRcTdRaT_UotO-Iit7j-fROoj_GYgstG31GHh1utkvWn6nR_cFFOOlsSTbd_4iNKDE8ZzzahfMBHDzU/s320/laundry.jpg" /></a></div>2. <b>Laundry</b> - I still do all the laundry, but the kids have to put away their own clothes (including the little girls). They are required to keep their drawers clean (clothes nicely folded, no drawers open with clothes sticking out) and in order (pants in one drawer, shirts in another etc.). They also have to make sure all dirty clothes are put in the hamper.<br />
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We aren't big bed makers in this house, but even a very small child could do that chore. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYmdqvJ33QxNtV8k6jk-g9RkrqBNsySDBJraKxGmQD75kryq0UV0zuhsOeWPicK7W7ayyQQvSQ9YNsQs-3y_hD1nBXi1WwA5dgYnqJhDcgm-pbWXJr7RUZKv5UCa9IUi6MtuzIx9XFWYQ/s1600/toys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYmdqvJ33QxNtV8k6jk-g9RkrqBNsySDBJraKxGmQD75kryq0UV0zuhsOeWPicK7W7ayyQQvSQ9YNsQs-3y_hD1nBXi1WwA5dgYnqJhDcgm-pbWXJr7RUZKv5UCa9IUi6MtuzIx9XFWYQ/s320/toys.jpg" /></a></div>3. <b>Toys</b> - All of the kids are expected to pick up their toys when they are done playing with them and before going onto another activity (before we sit down to lunch, before dinner, before bedtime, before we leave the house etc, we pick up toys). <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIYivSfZ23kzUTi6mS5zfuz6L4Jc_4CRfsSEHXHubw_J1Mu6pDpbaTNEIr2uaWlVjSF_E1bfX_h-hZA3GPC33IhDDPcy0gotjqNf-2n34ay49G-ACkX8p_cglVOIS8HS6KcwWsFByA5Ow/s1600/wipes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="183" width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIYivSfZ23kzUTi6mS5zfuz6L4Jc_4CRfsSEHXHubw_J1Mu6pDpbaTNEIr2uaWlVjSF_E1bfX_h-hZA3GPC33IhDDPcy0gotjqNf-2n34ay49G-ACkX8p_cglVOIS8HS6KcwWsFByA5Ow/s320/wipes.jpg" /></a></div>4. <b>Baby wipes</b> - these are a perfect tool for little kids to help with the cleaning. They all love to wipe down the table, clean up a spill, wipe down the bathroom counter and sinks, or "spot mop" the floor with baby wipes.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhssX1SMvt73UFaGqEn1sOabAzJhRNNNhT8cRjGM2H-jEz6BZUzZkR4dpWUpjTCwcC51G6rIR-_ZaiNgvu8FFSoUqwEedjcCrr2qGzcJ-czewIHFJyWvgizFhYw9l6S4CmSfTZEa3IeIwU/s1600/groceries.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="275" width="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhssX1SMvt73UFaGqEn1sOabAzJhRNNNhT8cRjGM2H-jEz6BZUzZkR4dpWUpjTCwcC51G6rIR-_ZaiNgvu8FFSoUqwEedjcCrr2qGzcJ-czewIHFJyWvgizFhYw9l6S4CmSfTZEa3IeIwU/s320/groceries.jpg" /></a></div>5. <b>Help carry things</b> - when we get out of the car, everyone grabs something whether it's trash or something that needs to come back in the house. If we are bringing in groceries, the kids can hold the lighter bags (even if there are only a few bags and I can get them all, that's not the point). When the big kids take out the trash and recycling, sometimes the recycling may take more than one trip to the can, the little girls can help carry the boxes out to the can with the bigger kids.<br />
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<b>One important last note about children in foster care and chores:</b><br />
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They will likely pretend to be incompetent with chores. What you may notice is the first time it is asked of them. it's not much of a problem, but once it becomes an expected routine, expect them to test it. I could do a whole post just on this one issue (and maybe I will). <br />
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Remember, that once the expectation is set and you know it has been explained and understood (or you can reasonably expect that it is now understood), stick with the original expectation. In other words, if it appears, it is suddenly too difficult to get the dish into the dishwasher, don't relax the expectation to just getting the dish to the sink. Keep the expectation the same until the child completes the required task. Don't continue to "show" them over and over again how to do it, don't answer tons of questions about the chore that have already been answered, don't engage. Let them know what is expected and do not let them do anything else until it is completed. It is a test. I promise you, it's a test. If this test lasts a long time, you may need to allow them to eat meals, take bathroom breaks, even go to bed and get back to the chore the next day. Just make sure they are allowed to do nothing else until it is finished (it could take a few days even). You will likely find yourself wondering "am I really expecting too much?" That's part of the test. Be strong. They are far more capable than they let on and often times we allow ourselves to believe "maybe they really can't do it". Consider this:<br />
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<b>"Look outside Western culture and watch children, even very small children, as they gather firewood, weed gardens, haul water, tend livestock, care for younger children and run errands. And no one complains because they are mostly outside and usually with other children."</b> Meredith F. Small, professor of anthropology at Cornell University and the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent."<br />
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It's not too much to ask of them. They can do it. And after even one time of sticking with it, they will show you, it wasn't too much to ask, they could in fact, do it. They didn't "forget" how or not understand what you were asking, they were testing you. And they'll continue to test you. <br />
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People do a real disservice to disadvantaged children by lowering expectations of their performance. They do not need more pity, more people stepping in to do things for them, more people believing they can not do as much as other children can. They need <b><i>you</i></b> to hold them to a higher standard, to show them you believe they are capable and you expect more from them.<br />
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<b>It's so much more than keeping a clean house!</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRkWCNkBDLs0yGrs7wLFaCKhZqwqIgNkF9JJiz1kL154RZ4cOnesTClpAQ_Ux00ewdklKw7-7MYFYI3_IiQk0f-ogjx1kYsU8LSzzQb3qW6WwV3a7tvEs7XQXofdaqWQYH9JWxJTGgtM4/s1600/happy+kids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="192" width="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRkWCNkBDLs0yGrs7wLFaCKhZqwqIgNkF9JJiz1kL154RZ4cOnesTClpAQ_Ux00ewdklKw7-7MYFYI3_IiQk0f-ogjx1kYsU8LSzzQb3qW6WwV3a7tvEs7XQXofdaqWQYH9JWxJTGgtM4/s400/happy+kids.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-29379973997666667672012-02-16T09:24:00.001-08:002012-02-25T08:02:37.636-08:00Grieving the Loss of "Normal"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI7OPkqSGUXBga8fvgGe_EcMEFkLBRS8hSghOKAlK2hJweoOMK95N4mZqdMb9vHcyiqFCPSXYyyaizTXB-viKEm93K3_t4uS6C4Tsy23T_RpGyzvizU0phCv-THzAOMQja68o_bowdB5Q/s1600/normal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="228" width="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI7OPkqSGUXBga8fvgGe_EcMEFkLBRS8hSghOKAlK2hJweoOMK95N4mZqdMb9vHcyiqFCPSXYyyaizTXB-viKEm93K3_t4uS6C4Tsy23T_RpGyzvizU0phCv-THzAOMQja68o_bowdB5Q/s400/normal.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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When we decided to foster, we were well aware of the fact that children in foster care have issues. Sometimes those are <i>really big </i>issues. They have behavior problems, emotional trauma and are just plain more difficult to parent than "normal" kids. We were ready for that. As ready as you can be.<br />
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What I wasn't ready for, was the duration and the frequency of the acting out. The intensity of acting out is far less of a problem. In fact, I'd prefer very intense acting out if the duration and frequency were a lot less. That would be easier, I think. Of course, no one asked me my preference. So, the reality is, the traumatized child sometimes has intense reactions (big, big behaviors), but mostly they have <i>constant</i>, less intense, but <b>all the time</b> behaviors. There is rarely a break from them. It's these seemingly "small" things that pick at you and your family like water torture. It's also these "small" things that make it nearly impossible for other people to understand. "All kids do that" is often the sentiment. To outsiders, the behavior seems like minor inconveniences. To the family, it is a constant reminder that the child is wounded and cannot function "normally" within a family.<br />
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I think most people think of their home as a safe place. A place to be themselves, let their guard down, come home and kick their feet up and relax. However, foster parents (and adoptive parents) have made the choice to bring a hurting child into their home (or several hurting children), which inherently makes their home no longer that same comfy place. It's now the place that houses the wounded animal that is always looking to strike. And often that strike is very small, very subtle. But it's there. <br />
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When I decided to leave my job and stay at home with the children, I tried to keep a realistic picture of what that would be like. But, I have to admit, I sometimes dreamed of walks to the park, arts and crafts at the table, sitting down to lunch together and other things that were so enjoyable with my bio kids when they were young and not yet in school. And eventhough, I know that is not what I have with these kids I have chosen to love, I still set myself up for disappointment. Because I <i>want</i> it to be normal.<br />
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Denial is a normal part of the grieving process and I certainly find myself back there from time to time. But when I am able to recognize that it is my own expectation that leads to frustration, it's easier to move forward faster. So, when I walk the kids to the park and they sit at the bench the whole time and don't play (while I'm thinking "what did I take them to the park for?") or when I have a fun activity planned and we can only get through the first 2 minutes of it before I have to call an end to it, I have to remember the importance of what they learn by my leading the activity, keeping good boundaries with them, teaching them appropriate social interaction, is all more valuable at this stage in their lives than whatever the actual activity was going to do for them.<br />
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I still find myself grieving the loss of "normal". And I would imagine that is true for many foster parents. But, it's easier to recognize now and I guess that's a good step. <br />
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So, when Jenny* (age 5) literally walks out of her shoe on our family walk to rent a movie and leaves her shoe in the middle of the street. Yes, the middle of a very busy intersection. Just walked right out of it and left it there and said nothing and no one noticed for quite sometime that she was walking around with one shoe on. She wanted to sabotage our fun family time. And for the first few seconds when we all realized she left her shoe in the middle of the street, we began to get angry and look at Jenny like "what the hell is wrong with you?" We almost let her get what she wanted (lots of attention for really stupid behavior and for our fun time to be ruined by this ridiculous act). But, we didnt rush to get her shoe. We rented our movie and went about our business and said if it's still in the street when we walk back home, we'll get it, if not, I guess you have one shoe.<br />
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As we got back to the intersection, we saw the shoe. As we waited for the light to change for us to walk, the shoe was run over no less than 5 or 6 times. Each time, it was harder for me to hold back the laughter. We watched as, almost in slow motion, car after car ran over her shoe. When we got to the shoe, it was still intact enough to be worn although it now looks like, well, it's been run over a few times. We grabbed the shoe and went on our way back home. And Jenny now wears one really dirty shoe to school everyday. <br />
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I was frustrated on the walk back home. I knew in my mind, this would be one of those things we would laugh about and soon. But the pure disbelief at such a strange thing to do. One that we knew was intentional, but still made no sense. And there I am again, trying to fit a disturbed child's crazy behavior into "normal". It doesn't make sense and trying to make sense out of craziness, will just make you more crazy. So, let go of "normal". <b>It doesn't live here</b>. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3k03IJZiXf4XFP84IJ9WN_oQOJw74UmBLAW4voSEYq4ZKKPix-5apqbDrUNBvH0_LyHIXTV14kYsNQU1HARHE01qowqPU1wYwRoDgLriE9m7f9-icK_Be5utJ5O0QDHcqWiW9Dn808nw/s1600/craziness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="180" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3k03IJZiXf4XFP84IJ9WN_oQOJw74UmBLAW4voSEYq4ZKKPix-5apqbDrUNBvH0_LyHIXTV14kYsNQU1HARHE01qowqPU1wYwRoDgLriE9m7f9-icK_Be5utJ5O0QDHcqWiW9Dn808nw/s400/craziness.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-79840710998820197762012-02-08T20:34:00.001-08:002012-02-25T08:02:55.911-08:00It's Not About You<b>"I could never do what you do"</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEuoLnvHq01lUju_2c6BRHK60CmJNDt-dkopqgsGBUq7g4uHd1SL742tU3XyJGUWlVjMcytTkrt5t4_U5vHV2H6Z-tkCWV4oZouYxlYXe1Q-EjV5lEGhp_sIbfGgeq8Tcd8uesydi6sw4/s1600/helping.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="194" width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEuoLnvHq01lUju_2c6BRHK60CmJNDt-dkopqgsGBUq7g4uHd1SL742tU3XyJGUWlVjMcytTkrt5t4_U5vHV2H6Z-tkCWV4oZouYxlYXe1Q-EjV5lEGhp_sIbfGgeq8Tcd8uesydi6sw4/s400/helping.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I should start keeping track of how many times I hear that as a foster parent. "It would just be so hard. I would get too attached." And do you know what pops into my head <i>every. single. time</i> I hear that? "Good thing it's not about you". Of course, I never say that. I usually just nod in some kind of agreement that "yeah, it's hard." Maybe one of these times I should say "just curious. Do I seem like some kind of heartless person that <i>doesn't</i> get attached?" Is that why I am able to do this and you aren't?"<br />
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The reality is, I do it for the greater good. Not for the immediate reward or satisfaction. I do it because <i>someone</i> has to. Many <i>someones</i> have to. And many <i>more someones</i> need to. But I certainly don't do it because it's somehow easier for me. It's hard. It's a sacrifice. Things are not called a <i>sacrifice</i> because they're easy.<br />
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It's also a commitment. Sometimes I wonder about people's understanding of that word. Do we commit to things until they get hard? Then can we stop? How about when they get <b>really</b> hard? Then it's ok, right? How about when it's not exactly how I thought it would be? Surely, then I am free to give up because, you know, that's just not fair. I had all these expectations of how it would be before I commited and well, I was duped. So, I am totally justified in not sticking with it then, right? <br />
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Given the number of times I hear people say something along the lines of sending back the kid like that defective toy I bought at the store, I would say, lots of people would answer 'yes' to my questions about commitment.<br />
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So, if you read my posts and don't get it or think I must be an awful foster parent because I don't act like I am just overjoyed and gushing with love for these kids every moment of every day, that's ok. "It's not about you". I'm blogging for other foster parents. And I think, most of them get it. Not that we agree on everything, but we get it. It's hard. It's a sacrifice. And we do it anyway.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVEcX3Up-PRH8Ss1fYdFTDHN_kxRTiP_ETNzq1ogsND5whSOdrKey32xH5gf4hrGoYgUqk3VqtreJW3RhtyM0oCMdV6RgoaxYDZZ7YdHVf_6Cq6FMermHbL6azk-tEZjxZ0QhxvuXHpdQ/s1600/quote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="197" width="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVEcX3Up-PRH8Ss1fYdFTDHN_kxRTiP_ETNzq1ogsND5whSOdrKey32xH5gf4hrGoYgUqk3VqtreJW3RhtyM0oCMdV6RgoaxYDZZ7YdHVf_6Cq6FMermHbL6azk-tEZjxZ0QhxvuXHpdQ/s400/quote.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868827826050007001.post-80343558555113639312012-02-03T16:49:00.000-08:002012-02-03T16:49:36.874-08:00She's StayingIt's crazy when you realize how much your own attitude, perceptions and feelings influence everything around you. Sometimes, I don't want to admit that I am contributing to the problem. But, I probably am. Darn it!<br />
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Our little Molly*, 4 y.o. has lived with us for just over 4 months now. She, in many ways, is a very sweet, funny, cute little girl. She plays well with others, has a great big smile and a little mousy voice. But, boy, does she have another side to her. A scary side. A side that makes my heart ache for her and her deep emotional issues, the trauma I imagine she has faced, the fears and anger and bottled up emotions she must have. But mostly, that side frustrates, annoys and even angers me. I know, I'm supposed to look at that sweet little 4 y.o., who will turn 5 in just 3 mos, but still fits into 3T clothing, and realize her pain and want to help her and love her the way she needs to be loved. And I do. But I also want to scream every time she uses her bed as a toilet, wakes up screaming in the middle of the night (not because she is scared, but because she knows she can disrupt our whole house), scrunches up her face and says rude, demanding, angry things. I want to scream when she refuses to eat anything I feed her. And I wanted her to go.<br />
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The funny part is, though, just a few days prior, I had heard she was leaving. We got a call that she was going to be able to move into a home with her older brother. He is currently living in a group home and CPS found a placement that was able to take Molly and her brother. I was sad when I got this news. I was happy for her and her brother, but a little sad that she was leaving. Fast forward a couple of days to all of this crazy behavior and I just couldn't wait for her to go. Let the count down begin!<br />
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And then today....that placement fell through. She's staying. Ahhhhhh! I had really gotten to the point where next Wed couldn't get here fast enough. Now, there's no end in sight. I got this news before she woke up this morning. When I went into her room, I asked if her bed was dry. It hasn't been dry in I don't know how long. Last night, I told her I would give her <b>2</b> stickers if her bed was dry. This morning, it was dry! Hallelujah! What a stupid thing to get so worked up about, I know. It's just wet sheets. No big deal. But it's just wet sheets that she is purposely peeing on, it's just wet sheets that are a manifestation of her anger and hurt. And I do exactly the wrong thing. Instead of not letting it bother me, because she <i>wants</i> it to bother me, I make sure everyone knows I'm not happy about this!<br />
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It wasn't always that way with Molly, though. I was more patient before. I knew the right way to handle it and I did (a lot of the time). But, I was done. She was leaving. And today, at breakfast while we talked about the importance of a cute pink shirt worn on your birthday, I realized how my own attitude toward her was fueling these issues. <br />
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So, she's staying and now I have to get back in. I have to do the hard work I know she needs. She's still going to drive me crazy. Oh, you haven't heard the last about Molly. But, I'm back in for the long haul with her. And that commitment makes a world of difference!<br />
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*All names of foster children will be changed on this blog to ensure their privacy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0