She's Staying

It's crazy when you realize how much your own attitude, perceptions and feelings influence everything around you. Sometimes, I don't want to admit that I am contributing to the problem. But, I probably am. Darn it!

Our little Molly*, 4 y.o. has lived with us for just over 4 months now. She, in many ways, is a very sweet, funny, cute little girl. She plays well with others, has a great big smile and a little mousy voice. But, boy, does she have another side to her. A scary side. A side that makes my heart ache for her and her deep emotional issues, the trauma I imagine she has faced, the fears and anger and bottled up emotions she must have. But mostly, that side frustrates, annoys and even angers me. I know, I'm supposed to look at that sweet little 4 y.o., who will turn 5 in just 3 mos, but still fits into 3T clothing, and realize her pain and want to help her and love her the way she needs to be loved. And I do. But I also want to scream every time she uses her bed as a toilet, wakes up screaming in the middle of the night (not because she is scared, but because she knows she can disrupt our whole house), scrunches up her face and says rude, demanding, angry things. I want to scream when she refuses to eat anything I feed her. And I wanted her to go.

The funny part is, though, just a few days prior, I had heard she was leaving. We got a call that she was going to be able to move into a home with her older brother. He is currently living in a group home and CPS found a placement that was able to take Molly and her brother. I was sad when I got this news. I was happy for her and her brother, but a little sad that she was leaving. Fast forward a couple of days to all of this crazy behavior and I just couldn't wait for her to go. Let the count down begin!

And then today....that placement fell through. She's staying. Ahhhhhh! I had really gotten to the point where next Wed couldn't get here fast enough. Now, there's no end in sight. I got this news before she woke up this morning. When I went into her room, I asked if her bed was dry. It hasn't been dry in I don't know how long. Last night, I told her I would give her 2 stickers if her bed was dry. This morning, it was dry! Hallelujah! What a stupid thing to get so worked up about, I know. It's just wet sheets. No big deal. But it's just wet sheets that she is purposely peeing on, it's just wet sheets that are a manifestation of her anger and hurt. And I do exactly the wrong thing. Instead of not letting it bother me, because she wants it to bother me, I make sure everyone knows I'm not happy about this!

It wasn't always that way with Molly, though. I was more patient before. I knew the right way to handle it and I did (a lot of the time). But, I was done. She was leaving. And today, at breakfast while we talked about the importance of a cute pink shirt worn on your birthday, I realized how my own attitude toward her was fueling these issues.

So, she's staying and now I have to get back in. I have to do the hard work I know she needs. She's still going to drive me crazy. Oh, you haven't heard the last about Molly. But, I'm back in for the long haul with her. And that commitment makes a world of difference!

*All names of foster children will be changed on this blog to ensure their privacy.