Our "RAD" Disneyland Trip

In the first Nancy Thomas training I ever went to about attachment disorder, she said something to the effect of "If you want to have a really crazy vacation, take a kid with attachment disorder to Disneyland". I laughed and recalled vividly our Disneyland trip from hell with our first foster placements (14y.o. and 16y.o. brothers). They had classic signs of attachment disorder, they did 99% of the "text book" things. We didn't know then that we would have to do all the researching and learning about this issue to understand how to deal with it. We didn't know then that asking professionals for help in how to deal with these boys was not only a huge waste of time, but also caused more harm than good in our family (not that there aren't great professionals out there, but you have to know more about attachment disorder to know what you are looking for in a therapist and how to ask for what is actually helpful).

So, we didn't know then that we were taking kids with attachment disorder to Disneyland. But this time, we did. We were prepared for all the odd public behaviors that kids with attachment disorder often display and we felt ready to deal with it (albeit, also a bit nervous at how badly it all could go). But, being prepared for the worst, we were pleasantly surprised with how well it all went.

Little Molly (who I talked about here) did pee her pants in a moment of rage (but, we were prepared with a change of clothes for Ms. Molly who loves to pee in places other than the toilet).

There was some getting too friendly with the strangers around us, but something about Disneyland and everyone being so consumed with their own kids and their own Disney plans, meant no one really ever took the bait and engaged in this inappropriate stranger friendliness. We did have to remind the girls (just about every time) that they were not with the people in line near us and needed to stand closer to us than to them and needed to move when we moved, not them (it often looked like our kids were part of the family in line in front of us more than with us).

Shirley-poo tried her screaming tactics many times. And, so far, Disneyland is the only setting on Earth where no one cares that she is crying. Again, they have their own crying kids or kids on the brink of a melt-down, combined with every other kid in the place crying that they didn't get any candy, or they didn't like that ride, or they just have to have that buzz lightyear toy, to care about what is going on with my kids. Considering Shirley's scream is nothing like a tantrum and more like the sound of a child being murdered, it is still a little surprising. So, if you want to kill your kids, maybe Disneyland is your place, I'm just sayin'.

We had some walking out of our shoes too. That seems to be a thing in our house, like when Jenny did it here. Shirley once lost one of my favorite shoes of hers while walking through the corn maze in Schnepf farms (it was more like pretending to being dragged through the corn maze while screaming). So, we just kept a closer eye on the shoes at Disneyland since it appeared Shirley really wanted to loose them.

Shirley also tried the 'make myself fall down, so it looks like my parents are dragging me' technique, to no avail. Again, no one cared that she either fell or that it appeared I was dragging her. And if she stayed laying there too long, they may just run right over her. I always figured it must hurt a little or at least be uncomfortable to throw herself to the ground the way she often does in public, but the reward she gets from people oohing and ahhing about the poor little girl must outweigh the cost. Well, not at Disneyland it doesn't. At Disneyland, all it gets you is a trip to the ground and the fear that the oncoming crowd may crush you.

So, while Disneyland may be a sad commentary on our society in general, it's awesome for kids with attachment disorder!

And, in all seriousness, it was fun for all of us. It was fun for our kids who have been several times, to experience it with little kids who have never gone before. It was great to see the pure joy that Molly so readily expressed throughout most of the day. It was great for my husband and I to feel so blessed with the ability to provide an amazing week-long vacation that included 2 days at Disney and trips to the beach (another first for Jenny, Molly and Shirley) for 5 kids! Not everyone has that opportunity. We also feel blessed to give the 3 little girls in our care what may be their only trip to Disneyland or the beach for their entire lives and possibly their only family vacation ever. It really was the Happiest Place on Earth.

Signs of Healthy Attachment

In all of my reading and trainings and hours of perusing articles online about attachment disorder, I have come across "signs and symptoms of attachment disorder" many, many times. But today at A4everFamily.org, I found a list of signs of a healthy attachment. Something about reading what "typical" kids with healthy attachments look like and how they respond to the world, gave me a new perspective.

I find that in speaking with others about attachment disorder and what it looks like, often the response is that "all kids do that" or that the behaviors described are "normal kid stuff". It becomes very difficult to explain and sometimes difficult to pinpoint, even for myself.

But when I read this list and saw that our little *Shirley (my daughter insisted our 2yo foster daughter's blog name be Shirley) does not display any of these things regularly (as in none, zero out of 38 listed) and only demonstrates very few of them (like maybe 2-3) on very rare occasions (like maybe a couple times since she was placed with us 7 mos ago, as opposed to multiple times a day), it was a clearer picture for me, a better way to pinpoint the problem. Perhaps more importantly though, it gives something to strive for. It allows me to keep in mind those things I want to see more of and to recognize the progress when I do see them (even if only rarely).

So, here is the list:

1. Joyful the majority of the time.
2. Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs.
3. Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver.
4. Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--both close & distant proximity.
5. When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing signs of being happy with the interaction.
6. Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror.
7. Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both parent and child.)
8. Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily consoled by primary caregiver.
9. Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.
10. Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture.
11. Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away.
12. Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return.
13. Can co-sleep without major difficulty.
14. Prefers primary caregiver to all others.
15. Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.)
16. Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time.
17. Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver.
18. Enjoys skin on skin contact.
19. Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way.
20. Consistently sleeps well and peacefully.
21. Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his parent happy.
22. Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick; easily consoled.
23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.
24. Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends (discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.)
25. Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver.
26. Shows appropriate stranger anxiety.
27. Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary caregiver but is able to be reassured.
28. Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and physical contact.
29. Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way.
30. Is gentle to self and others.
31. Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time.
32. Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns.
33. Speech/language skills are developing appropriately.
34. Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent can soothe child.
35. “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective.
36. Child can identify his own feelings (at an age appropriate level.)
37. Child can identify the feelings of others (at an age appropriate level.)
38. Child can delay gratification (at an age appropriate level.)

-A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller, PhD

It also seems that well-intentioned friends and family may be better able to see a list like this and when I say little Shirley-poo does none of these things, it might make more sense for them too. Not sure about that one though. That may be way too wishful thinking.

I've included the website for A4everFamily.org under my resources in the sidebar as this site is full of great articles on attachment and trauma related issues. So, go check it out. And send those well-intentioned friends and family members to check it out too!