Signs of Healthy Attachment

In all of my reading and trainings and hours of perusing articles online about attachment disorder, I have come across "signs and symptoms of attachment disorder" many, many times. But today at A4everFamily.org, I found a list of signs of a healthy attachment. Something about reading what "typical" kids with healthy attachments look like and how they respond to the world, gave me a new perspective.

I find that in speaking with others about attachment disorder and what it looks like, often the response is that "all kids do that" or that the behaviors described are "normal kid stuff". It becomes very difficult to explain and sometimes difficult to pinpoint, even for myself.

But when I read this list and saw that our little *Shirley (my daughter insisted our 2yo foster daughter's blog name be Shirley) does not display any of these things regularly (as in none, zero out of 38 listed) and only demonstrates very few of them (like maybe 2-3) on very rare occasions (like maybe a couple times since she was placed with us 7 mos ago, as opposed to multiple times a day), it was a clearer picture for me, a better way to pinpoint the problem. Perhaps more importantly though, it gives something to strive for. It allows me to keep in mind those things I want to see more of and to recognize the progress when I do see them (even if only rarely).

So, here is the list:

1. Joyful the majority of the time.
2. Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs.
3. Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver.
4. Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--both close & distant proximity.
5. When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing signs of being happy with the interaction.
6. Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror.
7. Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both parent and child.)
8. Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily consoled by primary caregiver.
9. Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.
10. Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture.
11. Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away.
12. Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return.
13. Can co-sleep without major difficulty.
14. Prefers primary caregiver to all others.
15. Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.)
16. Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time.
17. Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver.
18. Enjoys skin on skin contact.
19. Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way.
20. Consistently sleeps well and peacefully.
21. Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his parent happy.
22. Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick; easily consoled.
23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.
24. Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends (discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.)
25. Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver.
26. Shows appropriate stranger anxiety.
27. Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary caregiver but is able to be reassured.
28. Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and physical contact.
29. Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way.
30. Is gentle to self and others.
31. Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time.
32. Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns.
33. Speech/language skills are developing appropriately.
34. Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent can soothe child.
35. “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective.
36. Child can identify his own feelings (at an age appropriate level.)
37. Child can identify the feelings of others (at an age appropriate level.)
38. Child can delay gratification (at an age appropriate level.)

-A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller, PhD

It also seems that well-intentioned friends and family may be better able to see a list like this and when I say little Shirley-poo does none of these things, it might make more sense for them too. Not sure about that one though. That may be way too wishful thinking.

I've included the website for A4everFamily.org under my resources in the sidebar as this site is full of great articles on attachment and trauma related issues. So, go check it out. And send those well-intentioned friends and family members to check it out too!