What the New Girl Brings

We got a new placement. Well, at this point, it has been nearly 2 weeks since she came. She witnessed something pretty horendous which led to her removal. I picked her up in the middle of the night from the CPS office downtown. She was understandably frightened and seemed in shock (dazed, confused etc). She came to our house and surprisingly, went right to bed and slept through the whole night.

In the days that have followed, little Dusty (3yo) has been quite the challenge. She does not answer any direct questions, usually acting as if she is not even aware you have asked a question, other times going on and on about something totally unrelated to the question.

She often babbles on with nonsensical chatter and talks to herself like Rain Man.

Hence the blog name, Dusty. I know, I'm so clever. Where is your sense of humor people?

She also wanders aimlessly, seems to have no concept of following directions or cause and effect or consequences. She has bad table manners, rude, demanding speech, doesn't play well with the other kids at home and hits the kids at her daycare. So, our newest addition brings lots of challenges. She has also brought lots of discussion about how we wish we had gotten on the list for a baby. Several of us wanted a baby, but opted to go on the list for a more open range and see who God brought to us. My 12 yo son said "Next time you and dad start talking about 'let's see who God brings us', remember who He brought this time and just go on the list for a baby".

And I certainly have had my doubts, saying things like "she just doesnt seem to be getting with the program here" and secretly (or not so) wishing the middle of the night call had been for a baby and not little Dusty. I've also really questioned why God would put such another challenging child in our home when we already had 3.

And this is what He showed me:

In one of the first few days here, we had to get Dusty accustomed to asking for things in an appropriate manner. All of the kids that have come in our home have struggled with this. It is very common for them to say "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" or "I want that" or even "give me that". First, we teach them to say "please" and "thank you". If they can't get this minimum requirement, they don't get to have it. If they say "please", but refuse to say "thank you" once it is given to them, we immediately take it away.

Soon after that, they are required to ask for things in complete sentences (those who have the verbal skills to do that). So, we don't just say "please", we say "please can I have some juice?" And every single time the "new kid" will say "please?" I'll say "please what?" They'll continue to repeat "please?" I'll model for them several times repeat after me "please can I have some juice?" They will say "please" and they will even say "can I have some juice?" but they will refuse to say the two things together. It's exhausting. And they are good! They have cornered the market on making people actually believe they are incapable of doing it, that they really don't understand. Foster parents: DONT FALL FOR THAT TRICK! It may take a while, but if they want that juice badly enough, they will do it exactly the way you ask them to. And it is sooooo important that they do it exactly the way you ask them to. For one, it teaches them who is in charge. We have lots of conversations at the beginning of placement as to who is in charge. "Who is the Boss?" we ask. "I'm the boss, I'm in charge because I keep you safe." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Secondly it reinforces that the primary caregiver is the one that meets their needs. Their primary caregiver is the one they go to when they need something, want something, need help, need/want nurture and comfort. We don't walk around saying "I'm hungry" into the wind and food falls out of the sky. That's not how it works, we look to our primary caregivers to take care of us.

Both of these concepts of who is in charge and keeps us safe and who meets our needs are totally foreign to kids in foster care or at least very skewed and unhealthy. So, it's not that I am a control freak and want everything done my way, although I am painfully aware that it appears that way to almost everyone outside of our family. It's because they need that more than anything else you can give them right now. Even more than they need that hug and that comfort (not that that's not super important, but in the beginning, they need to know who is in charge, who keeps them safe and who meets their needs. Those hugs and comfort are so much more meaningful within that context).

So, back to my story.

Dusty was asking for something. We were still at the stage where she just needed to say "please". She had been told several times to say "please" and she had been reminded several times "that is not how we ask for things here". At this point, she was sitting on the couch (because she was playing inappropriately and now had to sit out). She babbled on and on about being thirsty and being hungry and a bunch of other nonsense words. It was annoying, but I was going about my day, cleaning up and doing things in the kitchen. I was done reminding her that she needed to say "please". She already knew that, so we were done. She could sit on that couch all day and mumble about food. It didn't matter to me.

Then, out of nowhere, Shirley (2yo) walks over to Dusty on the couch, leans in real close to her face and yells "peash!" Now, Shirley has always been my biggest challenge. She too had her time of refusing to say "please" and "thank you". And here she was in her little baby voice yelling at this "new girl" to say please! It's as if she was saying, "just get it right already because this is annoying!" I cracked up laughing.

And over the course of the next several days, I have seen both Shirley (2yo) and Molly (4yo) coaching Dusty. Molly has taken very much to the helper role. She loves that she is big and knows the rules and routine of the house and can show them to Dusty. She loves the praise she gets when she is working really hard to do things right. And I have been able to see in a way that is so much clearer that the girls have learned, they have improved and they have internalized that behavior. They behave very respectfully toward my husband and I because we expect nothing less. But they do it now, not only because they have to in order to get what they want, but because they respect themselves too. They are proud of the way they have become in our home. They are proud to be the kids that perfect strangers come up and say "Wow. You're kids are really well behaved" (and this is in a sit-down restaurant with 6 kids).

Molly reminds me that I am her safe person, that I love her and that I take care of her. And those are all words I have given her, but now she says them spontaneously and in a context that I can tell she understands it, she feels it, she believes it.

Sometimes, in the daily grind of it all, it's hard to see the differences being made. But thanks to our new girl, Dusty, they are so much clearer.

So, maybe that's why God didn't bring us a baby!