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Sunday 20 May 2012
Food Issues
I think I should call this post food issues, part 1. Seriously, food issues and foster care could be its own, very, long book.
We know that food issues are always listed on RAD symptom lists. What makes it particularly difficult is just how many ways one can have issues with food. Hence, the need for a whole book. Every, single, one of our placements have had issues with food (except the 2 infants). This includes Shirley (who came to us at 18mos) and all of the children we have ever done respite for.
So, it's a big issue. One worth talking about. It's also one of those issues that is present all the time. We eat everyday. We eat several times a day. So, this issue is constantly being dealt with. As is the case with so many attachment related issues, it is less about the intensity of the behavior and more about the frequency and duration of them that makes it so much to deal with.
It's not like all families haven't dealt with picky eaters
or rude table manners
It's important to remember (especially if you are a friend or family member of a foster or adoptive family) that almost all RAD behaviors when looked at in isolation, can seem like totally normal kid stuff. This kind of thinking is what leads people to begin to think maybe the parents have unreasonable expectations or somehow don't understand that this is pretty typical kid behavior. The reality is, all kids show some of these behaviors, some of the time. If you are parenting a child that displays many of these behaviors, most of the time, it's a different ball game.
So, what kind of food issues do we see?
1. refusal to eat
2. gorging with food
3. asking for food constantly
4. sneaking food
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it
7. eating strange food
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)
9. hiding or hoarding food
When we had our first placement of teen brothers, I wanted to be sensitive to their preferences. I asked lots of questions about what they like, what they don't like, what they were used to eating before. I took input on the meal planning and wanted them to feel like they had some say over what they ate. I also wanted them to feel like our family was able to make changes or incorporate some of what they wanted rather than having them have to do all of the adjusting to a new home.
This was a terrible idea!
Now, in theory, it is not a terrible idea. The boys were older and presumably could participate in these things. It's true that kids coming into your home have to do all of the adjusting and that seems sad and unfair. However, we aren't having our niece and nephew over for the summer, it isn't our friends sleep over where we ask the guest what they want to eat. We are taking care of traumatized children.
These children have unhealthy relationships and that includes unhealthy relationships with food.
Food is such a part of our early experiences with our primary caregivers. Infants are held and fed and rocked and comforted and soothed all while being nourished. Our brains are still developing and we associate food and nourishment with so much sensory input, with warmth, love and comfort. They become totally intermingled.
When there are disruptions to that normal development (cries of hunger are ignored, babies bottles are propped and left alone to eat, cries of hunger are met with an angry, abusive reaction), it has a profound impact on the child's ability to relate to other humans. It is an essential part of human existence to be in relationship with others. When that is disrupted, that is the first order of business for healing.
Repairing those broken connections should be of the utmost importance. When a child comes into your home, they need to know you are the one that meets their needs. And one of the most basic of those, is food.
So, what do we do?
1. specific meal and snack times (no asking for food between those times)
2. eat what is offered, or do not eat, makes no difference to me. My dog would love to have your dinner, if you don't. You can try again at the next meal.
3. eat appropriate amounts of food (can have more if still hungry, but I decide when you have had enough)
4. eat with appropriate utensils in an appropriate way
5. chew with mouth closed
6. say "thank you" when served
7. ask for more saying "please" and using complete sentences (if they have those verbal skills)
8. no negative comments about the food ("I don't like peas", smells weird, looks funny, is good, but would be better with ___)
9. no picking at food
When you start to do one of these behaviors, you are telling me that you are not hungry anymore and mealtime is over for you. In the beginning, you may be ending mealtime a lot. But they eventually get it. It's important to offer consistent mealtimes and snacks, so they have opportunity to try again a couple hours later.
You'll be able to tell when they are really hungry and when they aren't because when they really want to eat, they will use their fork or spoon like you never knew they could, they'll chew with their mouths closed and wipe their faces with a napkin. It's pretty amazing to me how nicely they can eat in one setting (our house) and how much they become like animals when eating in another setting (on visits with bio parents).
I have literally hundreds of food stories to share, so stay tuned for part 2!
Same rules at our house. Little trickier with a toddler.... but for the twins these were the ground rules. Two years into it we still have some food issues. Mostly they try to get more food than they can possibly eat without a tummy ache. I have to set the limits and that seems so hard to figure out sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm glad you found my blog even if it was through the punch recipe! I admire you for your dedication to your foster kiddos. What is the longest you've ever kept one and do you think you will ever adopt from foster care? We did foster only to adopt the three we did. Hard stuff we were unprepared for.
ReplyDeleteThank you! The longest placement we had was 20 months. We got her at 5 mos old, so letting her go back home to mom was by far the hardest. She is like our own daughter. We have her now most of the time (complicated issue, I'll probably blog about someday). 2 of our girls we have now have been here 1 year and prior to that we had 2 teen boys that stayed about 15mos. We have had a few that were here just a week, a baby that just left recently after 1 mos., a baby for 4 mos and a 4yo girl for 8 mos. We have not adopted mostly because there has not been a case so far where a child was legally free for adoption. We did not go into foster care with the intention to adopt, but we definitely would if it went that way. We would love nothing more than to be able to adopt our 2yo little girl who is no longer in state care, but is still with us way more than with bio mom.
DeleteWow, you do know what you're talking about! I didn't know that it will be so much trouble to feed children. I'll keep all the info you posted in mind for future babysitting purposes. :)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through the blog hop and I followed you via GFC. I hope you can visit my blog at whyyyjen.blogspot.com :)
You might want to join my Twitter link up! http://whyyyjen.blogspot.com/2012/08/twitter-link-up.html
Love,
Jen
We have a foster kiddo who eats more than my husband can at a sitting. We have tried many things over the past year. Some work better than others. At first we just limited the amount of food he got which only prompted questions like "what's for breakfast (or lunch, dinner, etc)?" He was just looking for the next meal as he felt that he didn't get satisfied. Then we started allowing seconds/thirds/etc with vegetables only. That helped us determine when the kid was really still hungry or not. It is a lot better now, but whenever we are at a gathering in someone's home where it is a smorgasbord, help yourself feast, the eyes get big, he wiggles in his seat, and he wants to eat one of everything in sight. We are still working on that. We mostly eat a full meal before going to such a gathering to ensure he is not truly "hungry" when surrounded by so much temptation. Then we can allow a small desert and that's it to learn self control.
ReplyDelete