Community Children

I've wanted to do a post on this for a long time. It's a subject that I feel very strongly about and an issue that comes up all.the.time for our family (and I imagine lots of other families too).

And what is it exactly? It's adults, other people outside the family that feel it is appropriate to parent, nurture or otherwise interact with my children as though they were their caregiver. It makes me nuts and it was never so apparent to me just how many people behave in this manner until I became a foster parent. Then it seemed, they were everywhere. People, with what seem to be the best intentions, were offering to do things for children in my care that are really a parent's job. These are things that I could never imagine anyone offering to do for my bio kids, nor things I would ever allow others to do for my bio kids, nor would my bio kids ever allow to be done for them by anyone but myself or my husband (or some other immediate family member). I often find myself saying "I could never imagine doing that with someone else's child"

My initial hypothesis as to why I suddenly noticed this phenomenon, was that people do not see foster children as my kids. It's like they see them as community children. Maybe they feel like you stepped up to take care of kids that are not yours, so this is their small contribution to the cause? I'm sure they feel the more caring, loving people in the kids lives, the better. I know there is no malice in this behavior. I just wish I could communicate to others how inappropriate it is and how damaging it is for kids with attachment issues.

See, kids with attachment issues want attention from everyone except their families. This stems from an inability to form meaningful relationships. It's easy to be cute and charming to the outside world. It's easy to put on a show for people you have limited contact with. But your family, your mom and dad, they see you at your best and your worst. It's their job to protect you at your most vulnerable, to love you when you are being unlovable. It's a reciprocal relationship, however. You don't often think about it in those terms with a parent-child relationship, but the child gives back to the parent in a healthy family relationship. The child gives unconditional love and trust to their parents. And they learn this as infants. It's the lack of this reciprocal relationship that becomes very obvious, early on in the foster parent-child relationship. The rejecting of your parents love while seeking attention from other adults (the kind of attention you should seek from your primary caregiver) is a classic sign of attachment disorder. And to people outside the immediate family, it is not obvious at all. In fact, most times, they cannot see it at all. This causes all kinds of issues as well because there is this disbelief from outsiders that there is anything wrong. The child, to them, seems perfectly well-adjusted, friendly, seeking love and nurture etc.

I've come to question my original hypothesis after reading this article where the author is asking bystanders and others to not help her child. She is not a foster parent, but she is writing about this type of intrusive behavior by other adults toward her biological child. So, that got me thinking, it may not be that people behave this way more with foster children (although that may still be true), but that foster children react and respond to this behvior by other adults in a totally different way than kids who don't have attachment issues.

For example, both of my bio children as well as one foster that was placed as an infant, reacted similarly to being approached by strangers. They would move closer to me, maybe cling to my leg or hide behind me. Sometimes, it could be someone that was not a total stranger, but more of a casual acquaintance. In that case, they would likely be more open to the other person, maybe tolerate the high five or smile or laugh with them. They may not make any body movements toward me, but would certainly not tolerate me leaving them. And if that person reached out to pick them up or take them off somewhere, then all bets would be off. While, they may have been open to interaction, there were definite signals that this interaction had its limits. There was a definite identifying with their people (who they are there with, who they belong to, who they trust). With foster children, there is no such signal. They not only welcome the interaction, but they move closer to the stranger. The signals they give are that they are very comfortable and familiar with that person and would show no signs of opposition to being taken away from their primary caregiver to go off with this person.

Of course, this should all be making you very uncomfortable and wanting to scream "stranger danger".

And that is, of course, one of the many reasons this type of behavior cannot be allowed. But this is not simply a case of a child that just needs to be taught stranger danger or a kid that never learned it. The reality is, our bio kids learn this concept well before we are even able to have this type of conversation with them. They learn stranger danger inherently and innately. Sure, we should all have the discussion over and over with our kids about not going with someone to help find their puppy or get some candy etc., but inherently our kids already have some stranger danger well before they are able to understand the concept of bad people or strangers wanting to harm them. It's how we were designed to interact with our caregivers and the world. And that design has been disrupted and damaged due to abuse and neglect and trauma.

It's much more serious than having "the talk" about strangers. It's a signal that developmentally things are not right. It's telling us the hardwiring needs to be fixed.

So, what to do? Well, in an ideal world, you would keep your foster children close to you as though you would an infant. You (and your spouse) would do all of the meeting of basic needs. You would not allow others to feed, clothe, pick up, cuddle or in any way nurture your child. If you are fostering an infant, my suggestion would be to limit the amount of people and time others can hold the baby, do not allow anyone but yourself or your spouse (maybe an older sibling - immediate household members) to feed the baby, rock the baby to sleep or comfort the crying baby. This is especially true for infants that are still in that stage of developing secure attachments. Given their early trauma (being removed from their primary careiver and placed in foster care), you can do these things to help make sure they develop appropriate, healthy attachments and prevent developing attachment disorder. This is also the same method for working with kids who have already developed attachment issues, however, it is much harder to do. They will often reject your efforts and as I've described here, you'll always find yourself encountering people who want to "help" (a.k.a. interfere with developing a secure attachment).

What we do:

1. No hand holding, lap sitting, cuddling with anyone outside the immediate family. Shirley* (3yo) is the worst when it comes to this. She tries to get others to hold her all the time. She cries and acts helpless and tries to get others to do things for her that she is more than capable of doing. And people love doing things for her. People love picking her up and having her go limp like a rag doll. I honestly do not understand this at all. To me, this behavior is very strange and off-putting and I would not want to hold a child that acted that way. My husband thinks people like to help kids who act helpless. I don't. I want to kick them in the pants and tell them they can do it themselves. Try harder. Come on, you can do it. But, I guess that's not everyone's reaction.

2. When mom and dad are present, they are the ones you ask for help. If Jenny* (6yo) needs help tying her shoe, reaching something, scrapes her knee and wants a band-aid, needs a drink of water etc., she knows she is to ask myself or my husband (or our older kids) for help. Since she is older, we have this conversation ahead of time before we go to some kind of gathering. She also knows that if anyone offers her anything, she has to ask our permission before she can have it. With Shirley and Dusty* (4yo), we keep them as close as possible to intervene if they are inappropriately interacting with strangers.

3. At restaurants, your focus is on your family and the people you are with. We go out to eat a lot. And it is quite common that Shirley and Jenny are looking around the restaurant trying to get attention from other tables. Shirley is often successful at this. She is little and cute and people respond to her that way. Now, this is more than just being curious of your surroundings. This is like an intent stare at others (I think it's creepy, I'm not sure why people smile at it) and a total disregard for the people at her own table. We redirect all of that behavior and encourage interaction at our own table. There are even times that Shirley has to lay her head down on the table if she can't stop staring at strangers.

4. We do all of the feeding/providing of food. As I've talked about in previous posts about food, providing food is a basic need and a significant source of nurture. We do not allow our foster children to get this nurture from strangers (or anyone outside the immediate family).

This is actually very hard to do. We find that people wanting to "help" are everywhere and our kiddos are good at seeking them out and eliciting it as well. It's very awkward to step in and stop this sort of interaction. My husband is much better at it than I am. He will ask people to put Shirley down if someone picks her up when we didn't notice. He will take food away from her that a stranger may have given her without us noticing and he will step right in the middle of any inappropriate interactions before they happen as well. He is good at explaining that it is not good for her and it's his job to do what is best for her even when it is awkward for other people. And he is good about just not caring if the other person doesn't understand or agree with him for doing it. I've gotten better, but really, I still stink at that part. It's very hard for me.

You'll notice I use "immediate family" a lot. I mean people within the immediate household. So, this means grandparents are restricted as well. This is probably the hardest one. Now, if grandma is the daycare provider, then they are now in the role of a primary caregiver. However, if the kids see grandma a couple times a month at family gatherings, they are more like strangers. And while a hug "hello" and "goodbye" is ok in our home, we don't allow lap sitting and cuddling and meeting basic needs or nurturing by grandma. This is sometimes a source of contention. Grandma wants to be in the grandma role which includes all of those things. Here is how I see it. I'm in the mom role, but not treated like a "mom" most times. While I may want to have a mom-child relationship with this child, it is not natural and it takes lots of work. The primary caregiver role is the most important one to establish. Grandparents just have to wait on this (and they may have to wait a long time. And if the child is not going to be adopted into the home, then they will likely never be in that role with this particular child. And that's ok). Everybody needs to put their own feelings aside and realize this is what is best for the child.

Now, here's my big disclaimer - We do have our girls in daycare. This is not ideal for attachment issues. And I am fully aware that while they are there, Shirley gets the staff to carry her around and do things for her she should do for herself. I know that it is not the best place for them to be. But, I have also come to understand that I can't do it perfectly, I can't beat myself up for using daycare, which is often the thing that allows me to continue to do this hard job. It's a life-saver in many ways. So, I just do what I can to avoid these things when I am present and I have to just let the rest go.

So, even if you use daycare and are unable to put these restrictions in place at all times, do it when you can. Be aware of the need for it, and be intentional about it when you have the opportunity.

And what if you are a friend or family member of a foster parent and want to know how to help w/o being one of these "helpful" people I have described here? I found this great article with 10 ways to support. The first 5 things are all about how not to interfere:

■1. A RAD Mom needs help teaching her child with Reactive Attachment Disorder that mom’s are in charge of taking good care of their children. And that their mom is a good mom who takes care of her children.
■2. A RAD Mom needs friends who don’t hug her RAD Child. The best way to help a family dealing with a child who has reactive attachment disorder is to help the child learn to get his or her hugs for mom and dad. The same is true for other intimate things the child might want to do, like sit on laps or give you a neck rub.
■3. A RAD Mom needs friends who can support how we respond to our child. No matter what the situation looks like the parents need to be considered the ones in charge especially when it comes to discipline.
■4. A RAD Mom needs people who have suggestions, ideas or criticism to talk to us privately when our child is not around. Triangulation is a natural behavior for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and questioning the parents in front of the child empowers the child.
■5. A RAD Mom needs friends who don’t fall into the trap of hearing the child say, “I wish you were my mom, you are much better then the one I got.” Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop for new, improved and better parents.

Quit trying to be the "village" to the child. What the child needs is the village to support and empower its parents and stop trying to care for its children.