Why Foster Kids Need Chores

Ok, this is really about why all kids need chores, but there are some key reasons they are even more important for children in foster care.

1. They learn to master life skills: I assume you hope your children one day grow and leave your home and have homes and families of their own. Chores help kids learn how to one day manage a household. That's a skill, I assume, almost everyone will someday need.

2. They learn proficiency: Those of you about to argue point #1 that they can learn these things by watching mom and dad do it, or that they will learn how to do it when they need to, are not giving your children time to learn to be proficient at it. It may not seem like it, but household chores do require some skill and those skills are honed through practice.

3. They learn responsibility: Kids first learn how much work goes into managing a household, but they also learn that if they don't put their clothes in the hamper, their favorite shirt won't get washed. Or if they don't pick up their toys or clean their room, they will miss out on playing with their friends outside etc. They learn to be responsible for themselves and they learn that being irresponsible has consequences. Just like if mom or dad blew off their work, they would get fired and there would be a whole list of consequences that would go along with that.

4. They learn to take pride in their work/belongings/personal space: As they accomplish tasks, they can look back on a job well done and feel proud about that. They develop a sense of pride over their toys and other belongings and want to keep them in nice condition. They develop a sense of respect for the work that goes into maintaining their toys, their personal space and the entire house.

5. They are contributing members of the family: Kids learn a greater sense of community, sharing and give and take in relationships. "It's not just mom and dad's jobs to take care of everything, I can give back to the family as well". This sense of being a contributing member will be important throughout their lives, at school, group projects, at work, when they get married, become parents etc.

“A family requires each person to be responsible for certain chores in order to make the home work,” says Dr. Christopher Johnston, a licensed clinical professional counselor. “Character development implies that you are aware of your surroundings and the people who take care of you.”

6. They learn patience: Some chores take a while to complete (especially, if they are expected to do the job correctly). Kids learn to be patient through that process. They also learn to delay gratifiation, if for example, they are not allowed to play outside until their chore is finished. They have to be patient, do the work first, then get to do what they would rather be doing.

I'm sure most of this is pretty obvious stuff. So, what keeps us from having our kids do chores?

1. We are busy: It's much easier and faster and less hassle if I just do it myself. Little ones that are just learning need extra explanation and help doing it right. Bigger kids who can do it by themselves just fine, may need lots of nagging reminding, may complain about it and make it all a lot more frustrating than if we just did it ourselves. However, we could also argue that doing their homework for them would be a lot easier and faster too, but we all know that isn't good for them. Neither is doing their chores. So, stop it :)

2. The kids are too busy: This may be a sign your child is overcommitted with activities if they do not have enough time to do 10, 20, even 30 minutes of chores each day. Remember, we are busy too. But, we still need to get the laundry done, make dinner, give the kids baths etc. We are allowing our children to live in a fantasy world where being too busy means the chores go away. They still need to get done, no matter how busy you are and kids need to learn that sooner rather than later.

I better just stop now and clear something up. We do not have a perfect system in this house, sometimes it's not even an ok system. We don't even have a clean house. My kids complain about chores, I often find myself just doing it for them to avoid the headache and to make sure it's done right. I think we all do that. So this post is not to come across like I have this down and am preaching to all of you to do it like me. Not at all. I have seen homes that have chores down to a science and seem to run very smoothly and I am envious of them. The point of this post is to remind us of why we give kids chores and for those of us with foster children to remember it is just as important for them, if not more so.

And here is why:

Children in foster care come from hard places that have effected their ability to be in healthy relationships with others. The idea of reciprocity in relationships is often a completely foreign concept. Having chores allows them to understand the give and take in life (see #5 above).

One of the things that really struck me the most as a new foster parent was this sense of entitlement it seemed the kids in our care felt. My assumption was that they came from so little, that everything they got in our home would be so much more appreciated. Not that I needed appreciation for my own benefit, but I had this idea that kids would view things from the perspective of "Wow! This is great. I've never had these things, this opportunity, these experiences before. I better treasure them." WRONG! It's absolutely nothing like that. In fact, what I give them is never good enough. The stuff, the experiences, the attention is often clouded by their never ending search to "get more".

As I have learned more about attachment disorder, I now understand this behavior. But it was shocking at first and very disappointing. Not to mention, super hard to deal with. But because I understand a child in foster care's need to understand healthy relationships, I understand the importance of my job to teach it to them. Think of them as starting out with a major disadvantage. They need the accelerated training program to catch up, not the easier, softer version because of where they come from.

So, what chores do our kids do?:

Like I said, we don't have an elaborate system. Some super creative, organized people out there have some great ones like these:

In our home, all of the kids are expected to pitch in. At mealtimes, the kids clear their own dishes, rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. The 2yo, clears the dishes and puts her trash in the garbage can, but isn't yet ready for rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. But our 4y.o. can get a stool and rinse her dish in the sink and put it in the dishwasher:

1. Meal clean up - We require that everyone stays in the kitchen until the after dinner clean up is done, even if your individual job is complete. We do this so the little kids, who have less to do typically, are still available to help as needed. But mostly, we do this so that it's a team effort. No one sits down or goes to play until all the work is done. This helps all the kids to have an understanding of how much work is involved and not just be focused on their one task. Again, there is an emphasis on the relational part of chores. Although, their task may be done in 5 min, they can pitch in to help someone else's job go faster.

Our two oldest kids are 9yo and 12yo, so they are able to load and unload the dishwasher, clean the bathroom, take out the trash, feed the dogs, vaccum, sweep, mop, pretty much do any household chore.

2. Laundry - I still do all the laundry, but the kids have to put away their own clothes (including the little girls). They are required to keep their drawers clean (clothes nicely folded, no drawers open with clothes sticking out) and in order (pants in one drawer, shirts in another etc.). They also have to make sure all dirty clothes are put in the hamper.

We aren't big bed makers in this house, but even a very small child could do that chore.

3. Toys - All of the kids are expected to pick up their toys when they are done playing with them and before going onto another activity (before we sit down to lunch, before dinner, before bedtime, before we leave the house etc, we pick up toys).

4. Baby wipes - these are a perfect tool for little kids to help with the cleaning. They all love to wipe down the table, clean up a spill, wipe down the bathroom counter and sinks, or "spot mop" the floor with baby wipes.

5. Help carry things - when we get out of the car, everyone grabs something whether it's trash or something that needs to come back in the house. If we are bringing in groceries, the kids can hold the lighter bags (even if there are only a few bags and I can get them all, that's not the point). When the big kids take out the trash and recycling, sometimes the recycling may take more than one trip to the can, the little girls can help carry the boxes out to the can with the bigger kids.

One important last note about children in foster care and chores:

They will likely pretend to be incompetent with chores. What you may notice is the first time it is asked of them. it's not much of a problem, but once it becomes an expected routine, expect them to test it. I could do a whole post just on this one issue (and maybe I will).

Remember, that once the expectation is set and you know it has been explained and understood (or you can reasonably expect that it is now understood), stick with the original expectation. In other words, if it appears, it is suddenly too difficult to get the dish into the dishwasher, don't relax the expectation to just getting the dish to the sink. Keep the expectation the same until the child completes the required task. Don't continue to "show" them over and over again how to do it, don't answer tons of questions about the chore that have already been answered, don't engage. Let them know what is expected and do not let them do anything else until it is completed. It is a test. I promise you, it's a test. If this test lasts a long time, you may need to allow them to eat meals, take bathroom breaks, even go to bed and get back to the chore the next day. Just make sure they are allowed to do nothing else until it is finished (it could take a few days even). You will likely find yourself wondering "am I really expecting too much?" That's part of the test. Be strong. They are far more capable than they let on and often times we allow ourselves to believe "maybe they really can't do it". Consider this:

"Look outside Western culture and watch children, even very small children, as they gather firewood, weed gardens, haul water, tend livestock, care for younger children and run errands. And no one complains because they are mostly outside and usually with other children." Meredith F. Small, professor of anthropology at Cornell University and the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent."

It's not too much to ask of them. They can do it. And after even one time of sticking with it, they will show you, it wasn't too much to ask, they could in fact, do it. They didn't "forget" how or not understand what you were asking, they were testing you. And they'll continue to test you.

People do a real disservice to disadvantaged children by lowering expectations of their performance. They do not need more pity, more people stepping in to do things for them, more people believing they can not do as much as other children can. They need you to hold them to a higher standard, to show them you believe they are capable and you expect more from them.

It's so much more than keeping a clean house!