Nonsense questions and chatter:
In our home currently we have Jenny, 6y.o. who came to us a year ago. In the beginning, she asked lots of nonsense questions, questions you knew she knew the answer to or questions designed to interrupt whatever was going on in the home.
We have a couple of techniques that we use with Jenny that have worked pretty well. I'll share those below.
We also have Dusty, 3y.o. who has been with us a little over 5mos now, who still regularly chatters to herself or to others in a frenzied, nonsensical manner. Often, her chatter are not real words or are mumbled in such a way that they are not possible to understand. Little Molly, 5y.o. who is no longer in our home (you can read about her
here and
here) came to us at age 4 and also did lots of nonsense chatter, made up words, mumbled speech etc. What stands out about this behavior for me with both girls, is that it is done in an almost panicked manner. It is as if you can hear the anxiety rising the more they chatter on and on.
It is for this reason, that we choose to stop that behavior in our home. You could just ignore the chatter and not respond to it until the child makes it clear who s/he is talking to and appropriately addresses and gets your attention. And sometimes I do that. But often, I put one hand gently on the child and say "shhhh". To me, it feels like a reminder to be calm, to stop all the nervous energy.
The reality is, I am not really sure why they do this behavior. In some ways it seems like anxiety, in others it seems like an attempt to communicate a want without having to directly address anyone (sometimes you can make out certain words in the chatter which might include "I want ___"), or as I have mentioned before a way of controlling conversation. If they are always chattering or asking questions, they are controlling the flow of the conversation. Since ignoring this behavior is somewhat difficult for me (I have a hard time "tuning out"), I prefer to just stop it. Otherwise, I am gritting my teeth trying to ignore it and my frustration levels start rising.
If a "shhh" doesn't do the trick, I will say "It's time to sit quietly now, no more talking".
Some other things we do with this behavior is to require the kids to use their "big girl voices" when addressing us. If they want to ask for something or need to tell me something, they need to do it in a manner that is loud enough and clear enough for me to hear and understand the first time. Otherwise, I can't hear it and I don't keep asking for them to repeat themselves. It's a very common behavior for kids with attachment disorder to try to get you to lean in close and ask "what?" repeatedly. Don't do this. When they want to be heard, they will be.
Now for nonsense questions:
In my
previous post, there is a YouTube video of Christine Moers discussing how she handles nonsense questions. We have also implemented those techniques and they work pretty well.
The first thing I did with Jenny was come up with a word or phrase that I would incorporate into my answer anytime she asked a question I knew she knew the answer to or a question that was just total nonsense. For us, I picked "cheese and pickles". At first, she seemed confused or surprised by my answers. She also giggled at them a little because it is funny to randomly start talking about cheese and pickles. But soon, she was annoyed by these answers.
Here is one conversation I remember specifically:
Jenny: "what is that white stuff in the road?"
Me: "I don't see any white stuff in the road"
Jenny: "There (pointing)"
Me: "I must have missed it when we drove past. I don't know what it was"
Jenny: "right there" (poining to the lane lines)
Me: (now, finally realizing what she is actually asking) "Oh, I think that's cheese and pickles"
Jenny: "No, those white lines in the middle of the road"
Me: "Yeah. They are cheese and pickles"
Jenny: "No! The white lines, what are they?!" (getting frustrated)
This went on for a while before:
Jenny: "I think it's paint"
Me: (thinking, but did not actually say aloud) "BUSTED"
After a few of these conversations, Jenny asks "why do you always talk about cheese and pickles?"
Me: "Oh, it's a game. I thought you wanted to play it. Everytime you ask something silly, I answer with something silly, like cheese and pickles."
Jenny: "I don't like that game"
Me: "Oh, it seemed like you liked it because you always started playing it with me. Ok, if you don't like that game, don't start playing it and I won't play it with you anymore"
Jenny: "Ok"
This stopped her for a little while, then the next time she asked a nonsense question, the cheese and pickles came out again and Jenny says: "Remember I told you I don't like that game?"
Me: "Oh yes, I remember. I thought you wanted to play it again"
Jenny: "I don't"
Me: "Ok, then don't play it anymore. I only play it when you tell me you want to by asking me silly questions".
That was the last time we talked about cheese and pickles. This behavior hasn't gone away 100%, but it is far less than it used to be.
In some ways, however, she just traded in asking nonsense questions for asking questions as a way to constantly be interrupting. This one has been harder for us to deal with. Typically, I ignore these questions. But, again, ignoring is hard for me. They are
persistent and have a way of not being ignored. Other times, I may just put my hand up to gesture "stop" and I will say "this is not a good time for questions". We have also given a max. number of questions allowed per day. Once she reaches that max, she cannot ask anymore questions and if she does, she has to go have some quiet time where she can't pester anyone with questions.
This one is harder for me because it requires me to keep track of how many questions she has asked. And as easy as that sounds, it is actually not. Since she is often asking questions at busy, chaotic times, she is intentionally doing it at a time hoping to catch you off guard. So, I don't always catch all of her questions in order to count them and keep track. This then creates a dynamic where the sneakier she is, the more undetected questions she can slip in and we now have a kid trying to "trick" me and maintain control, which is exactly what you
do not want to be happening. I'm still trying to work out how to effectively implement this system.
So....
How is it in your house? Do you deal with these issues as well? What works for you?
