Our "RAD" Disneyland Trip

In the first Nancy Thomas training I ever went to about attachment disorder, she said something to the effect of "If you want to have a really crazy vacation, take a kid with attachment disorder to Disneyland". I laughed and recalled vividly our Disneyland trip from hell with our first foster placements (14y.o. and 16y.o. brothers). They had classic signs of attachment disorder, they did 99% of the "text book" things. We didn't know then that we would have to do all the researching and learning about this issue to understand how to deal with it. We didn't know then that asking professionals for help in how to deal with these boys was not only a huge waste of time, but also caused more harm than good in our family (not that there aren't great professionals out there, but you have to know more about attachment disorder to know what you are looking for in a therapist and how to ask for what is actually helpful).

So, we didn't know then that we were taking kids with attachment disorder to Disneyland. But this time, we did. We were prepared for all the odd public behaviors that kids with attachment disorder often display and we felt ready to deal with it (albeit, also a bit nervous at how badly it all could go). But, being prepared for the worst, we were pleasantly surprised with how well it all went.

Little Molly (who I talked about here) did pee her pants in a moment of rage (but, we were prepared with a change of clothes for Ms. Molly who loves to pee in places other than the toilet).

There was some getting too friendly with the strangers around us, but something about Disneyland and everyone being so consumed with their own kids and their own Disney plans, meant no one really ever took the bait and engaged in this inappropriate stranger friendliness. We did have to remind the girls (just about every time) that they were not with the people in line near us and needed to stand closer to us than to them and needed to move when we moved, not them (it often looked like our kids were part of the family in line in front of us more than with us).

Shirley-poo tried her screaming tactics many times. And, so far, Disneyland is the only setting on Earth where no one cares that she is crying. Again, they have their own crying kids or kids on the brink of a melt-down, combined with every other kid in the place crying that they didn't get any candy, or they didn't like that ride, or they just have to have that buzz lightyear toy, to care about what is going on with my kids. Considering Shirley's scream is nothing like a tantrum and more like the sound of a child being murdered, it is still a little surprising. So, if you want to kill your kids, maybe Disneyland is your place, I'm just sayin'.

We had some walking out of our shoes too. That seems to be a thing in our house, like when Jenny did it here. Shirley once lost one of my favorite shoes of hers while walking through the corn maze in Schnepf farms (it was more like pretending to being dragged through the corn maze while screaming). So, we just kept a closer eye on the shoes at Disneyland since it appeared Shirley really wanted to loose them.

Shirley also tried the 'make myself fall down, so it looks like my parents are dragging me' technique, to no avail. Again, no one cared that she either fell or that it appeared I was dragging her. And if she stayed laying there too long, they may just run right over her. I always figured it must hurt a little or at least be uncomfortable to throw herself to the ground the way she often does in public, but the reward she gets from people oohing and ahhing about the poor little girl must outweigh the cost. Well, not at Disneyland it doesn't. At Disneyland, all it gets you is a trip to the ground and the fear that the oncoming crowd may crush you.

So, while Disneyland may be a sad commentary on our society in general, it's awesome for kids with attachment disorder!

And, in all seriousness, it was fun for all of us. It was fun for our kids who have been several times, to experience it with little kids who have never gone before. It was great to see the pure joy that Molly so readily expressed throughout most of the day. It was great for my husband and I to feel so blessed with the ability to provide an amazing week-long vacation that included 2 days at Disney and trips to the beach (another first for Jenny, Molly and Shirley) for 5 kids! Not everyone has that opportunity. We also feel blessed to give the 3 little girls in our care what may be their only trip to Disneyland or the beach for their entire lives and possibly their only family vacation ever. It really was the Happiest Place on Earth.

Signs of Healthy Attachment

In all of my reading and trainings and hours of perusing articles online about attachment disorder, I have come across "signs and symptoms of attachment disorder" many, many times. But today at A4everFamily.org, I found a list of signs of a healthy attachment. Something about reading what "typical" kids with healthy attachments look like and how they respond to the world, gave me a new perspective.

I find that in speaking with others about attachment disorder and what it looks like, often the response is that "all kids do that" or that the behaviors described are "normal kid stuff". It becomes very difficult to explain and sometimes difficult to pinpoint, even for myself.

But when I read this list and saw that our little *Shirley (my daughter insisted our 2yo foster daughter's blog name be Shirley) does not display any of these things regularly (as in none, zero out of 38 listed) and only demonstrates very few of them (like maybe 2-3) on very rare occasions (like maybe a couple times since she was placed with us 7 mos ago, as opposed to multiple times a day), it was a clearer picture for me, a better way to pinpoint the problem. Perhaps more importantly though, it gives something to strive for. It allows me to keep in mind those things I want to see more of and to recognize the progress when I do see them (even if only rarely).

So, here is the list:

1. Joyful the majority of the time.
2. Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs.
3. Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver.
4. Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--both close & distant proximity.
5. When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing signs of being happy with the interaction.
6. Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror.
7. Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both parent and child.)
8. Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily consoled by primary caregiver.
9. Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.
10. Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture.
11. Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away.
12. Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return.
13. Can co-sleep without major difficulty.
14. Prefers primary caregiver to all others.
15. Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.)
16. Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time.
17. Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver.
18. Enjoys skin on skin contact.
19. Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way.
20. Consistently sleeps well and peacefully.
21. Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his parent happy.
22. Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick; easily consoled.
23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.
24. Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends (discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.)
25. Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver.
26. Shows appropriate stranger anxiety.
27. Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary caregiver but is able to be reassured.
28. Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and physical contact.
29. Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way.
30. Is gentle to self and others.
31. Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time.
32. Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns.
33. Speech/language skills are developing appropriately.
34. Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent can soothe child.
35. “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective.
36. Child can identify his own feelings (at an age appropriate level.)
37. Child can identify the feelings of others (at an age appropriate level.)
38. Child can delay gratification (at an age appropriate level.)

-A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller, PhD

It also seems that well-intentioned friends and family may be better able to see a list like this and when I say little Shirley-poo does none of these things, it might make more sense for them too. Not sure about that one though. That may be way too wishful thinking.

I've included the website for A4everFamily.org under my resources in the sidebar as this site is full of great articles on attachment and trauma related issues. So, go check it out. And send those well-intentioned friends and family members to check it out too!

Why Foster Kids Need Chores

Ok, this is really about why all kids need chores, but there are some key reasons they are even more important for children in foster care.

1. They learn to master life skills: I assume you hope your children one day grow and leave your home and have homes and families of their own. Chores help kids learn how to one day manage a household. That's a skill, I assume, almost everyone will someday need.

2. They learn proficiency: Those of you about to argue point #1 that they can learn these things by watching mom and dad do it, or that they will learn how to do it when they need to, are not giving your children time to learn to be proficient at it. It may not seem like it, but household chores do require some skill and those skills are honed through practice.

3. They learn responsibility: Kids first learn how much work goes into managing a household, but they also learn that if they don't put their clothes in the hamper, their favorite shirt won't get washed. Or if they don't pick up their toys or clean their room, they will miss out on playing with their friends outside etc. They learn to be responsible for themselves and they learn that being irresponsible has consequences. Just like if mom or dad blew off their work, they would get fired and there would be a whole list of consequences that would go along with that.

4. They learn to take pride in their work/belongings/personal space: As they accomplish tasks, they can look back on a job well done and feel proud about that. They develop a sense of pride over their toys and other belongings and want to keep them in nice condition. They develop a sense of respect for the work that goes into maintaining their toys, their personal space and the entire house.

5. They are contributing members of the family: Kids learn a greater sense of community, sharing and give and take in relationships. "It's not just mom and dad's jobs to take care of everything, I can give back to the family as well". This sense of being a contributing member will be important throughout their lives, at school, group projects, at work, when they get married, become parents etc.

“A family requires each person to be responsible for certain chores in order to make the home work,” says Dr. Christopher Johnston, a licensed clinical professional counselor. “Character development implies that you are aware of your surroundings and the people who take care of you.”

6. They learn patience: Some chores take a while to complete (especially, if they are expected to do the job correctly). Kids learn to be patient through that process. They also learn to delay gratifiation, if for example, they are not allowed to play outside until their chore is finished. They have to be patient, do the work first, then get to do what they would rather be doing.

I'm sure most of this is pretty obvious stuff. So, what keeps us from having our kids do chores?

1. We are busy: It's much easier and faster and less hassle if I just do it myself. Little ones that are just learning need extra explanation and help doing it right. Bigger kids who can do it by themselves just fine, may need lots of nagging reminding, may complain about it and make it all a lot more frustrating than if we just did it ourselves. However, we could also argue that doing their homework for them would be a lot easier and faster too, but we all know that isn't good for them. Neither is doing their chores. So, stop it :)

2. The kids are too busy: This may be a sign your child is overcommitted with activities if they do not have enough time to do 10, 20, even 30 minutes of chores each day. Remember, we are busy too. But, we still need to get the laundry done, make dinner, give the kids baths etc. We are allowing our children to live in a fantasy world where being too busy means the chores go away. They still need to get done, no matter how busy you are and kids need to learn that sooner rather than later.

I better just stop now and clear something up. We do not have a perfect system in this house, sometimes it's not even an ok system. We don't even have a clean house. My kids complain about chores, I often find myself just doing it for them to avoid the headache and to make sure it's done right. I think we all do that. So this post is not to come across like I have this down and am preaching to all of you to do it like me. Not at all. I have seen homes that have chores down to a science and seem to run very smoothly and I am envious of them. The point of this post is to remind us of why we give kids chores and for those of us with foster children to remember it is just as important for them, if not more so.

And here is why:

Children in foster care come from hard places that have effected their ability to be in healthy relationships with others. The idea of reciprocity in relationships is often a completely foreign concept. Having chores allows them to understand the give and take in life (see #5 above).

One of the things that really struck me the most as a new foster parent was this sense of entitlement it seemed the kids in our care felt. My assumption was that they came from so little, that everything they got in our home would be so much more appreciated. Not that I needed appreciation for my own benefit, but I had this idea that kids would view things from the perspective of "Wow! This is great. I've never had these things, this opportunity, these experiences before. I better treasure them." WRONG! It's absolutely nothing like that. In fact, what I give them is never good enough. The stuff, the experiences, the attention is often clouded by their never ending search to "get more".

As I have learned more about attachment disorder, I now understand this behavior. But it was shocking at first and very disappointing. Not to mention, super hard to deal with. But because I understand a child in foster care's need to understand healthy relationships, I understand the importance of my job to teach it to them. Think of them as starting out with a major disadvantage. They need the accelerated training program to catch up, not the easier, softer version because of where they come from.

So, what chores do our kids do?:

Like I said, we don't have an elaborate system. Some super creative, organized people out there have some great ones like these:

In our home, all of the kids are expected to pitch in. At mealtimes, the kids clear their own dishes, rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. The 2yo, clears the dishes and puts her trash in the garbage can, but isn't yet ready for rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. But our 4y.o. can get a stool and rinse her dish in the sink and put it in the dishwasher:

1. Meal clean up - We require that everyone stays in the kitchen until the after dinner clean up is done, even if your individual job is complete. We do this so the little kids, who have less to do typically, are still available to help as needed. But mostly, we do this so that it's a team effort. No one sits down or goes to play until all the work is done. This helps all the kids to have an understanding of how much work is involved and not just be focused on their one task. Again, there is an emphasis on the relational part of chores. Although, their task may be done in 5 min, they can pitch in to help someone else's job go faster.

Our two oldest kids are 9yo and 12yo, so they are able to load and unload the dishwasher, clean the bathroom, take out the trash, feed the dogs, vaccum, sweep, mop, pretty much do any household chore.

2. Laundry - I still do all the laundry, but the kids have to put away their own clothes (including the little girls). They are required to keep their drawers clean (clothes nicely folded, no drawers open with clothes sticking out) and in order (pants in one drawer, shirts in another etc.). They also have to make sure all dirty clothes are put in the hamper.

We aren't big bed makers in this house, but even a very small child could do that chore.

3. Toys - All of the kids are expected to pick up their toys when they are done playing with them and before going onto another activity (before we sit down to lunch, before dinner, before bedtime, before we leave the house etc, we pick up toys).

4. Baby wipes - these are a perfect tool for little kids to help with the cleaning. They all love to wipe down the table, clean up a spill, wipe down the bathroom counter and sinks, or "spot mop" the floor with baby wipes.

5. Help carry things - when we get out of the car, everyone grabs something whether it's trash or something that needs to come back in the house. If we are bringing in groceries, the kids can hold the lighter bags (even if there are only a few bags and I can get them all, that's not the point). When the big kids take out the trash and recycling, sometimes the recycling may take more than one trip to the can, the little girls can help carry the boxes out to the can with the bigger kids.

One important last note about children in foster care and chores:

They will likely pretend to be incompetent with chores. What you may notice is the first time it is asked of them. it's not much of a problem, but once it becomes an expected routine, expect them to test it. I could do a whole post just on this one issue (and maybe I will).

Remember, that once the expectation is set and you know it has been explained and understood (or you can reasonably expect that it is now understood), stick with the original expectation. In other words, if it appears, it is suddenly too difficult to get the dish into the dishwasher, don't relax the expectation to just getting the dish to the sink. Keep the expectation the same until the child completes the required task. Don't continue to "show" them over and over again how to do it, don't answer tons of questions about the chore that have already been answered, don't engage. Let them know what is expected and do not let them do anything else until it is completed. It is a test. I promise you, it's a test. If this test lasts a long time, you may need to allow them to eat meals, take bathroom breaks, even go to bed and get back to the chore the next day. Just make sure they are allowed to do nothing else until it is finished (it could take a few days even). You will likely find yourself wondering "am I really expecting too much?" That's part of the test. Be strong. They are far more capable than they let on and often times we allow ourselves to believe "maybe they really can't do it". Consider this:

"Look outside Western culture and watch children, even very small children, as they gather firewood, weed gardens, haul water, tend livestock, care for younger children and run errands. And no one complains because they are mostly outside and usually with other children." Meredith F. Small, professor of anthropology at Cornell University and the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent."

It's not too much to ask of them. They can do it. And after even one time of sticking with it, they will show you, it wasn't too much to ask, they could in fact, do it. They didn't "forget" how or not understand what you were asking, they were testing you. And they'll continue to test you.

People do a real disservice to disadvantaged children by lowering expectations of their performance. They do not need more pity, more people stepping in to do things for them, more people believing they can not do as much as other children can. They need you to hold them to a higher standard, to show them you believe they are capable and you expect more from them.

It's so much more than keeping a clean house!

Grieving the Loss of "Normal"

When we decided to foster, we were well aware of the fact that children in foster care have issues. Sometimes those are really big issues. They have behavior problems, emotional trauma and are just plain more difficult to parent than "normal" kids. We were ready for that. As ready as you can be.

What I wasn't ready for, was the duration and the frequency of the acting out. The intensity of acting out is far less of a problem. In fact, I'd prefer very intense acting out if the duration and frequency were a lot less. That would be easier, I think. Of course, no one asked me my preference. So, the reality is, the traumatized child sometimes has intense reactions (big, big behaviors), but mostly they have constant, less intense, but all the time behaviors. There is rarely a break from them. It's these seemingly "small" things that pick at you and your family like water torture. It's also these "small" things that make it nearly impossible for other people to understand. "All kids do that" is often the sentiment. To outsiders, the behavior seems like minor inconveniences. To the family, it is a constant reminder that the child is wounded and cannot function "normally" within a family.

I think most people think of their home as a safe place. A place to be themselves, let their guard down, come home and kick their feet up and relax. However, foster parents (and adoptive parents) have made the choice to bring a hurting child into their home (or several hurting children), which inherently makes their home no longer that same comfy place. It's now the place that houses the wounded animal that is always looking to strike. And often that strike is very small, very subtle. But it's there.

When I decided to leave my job and stay at home with the children, I tried to keep a realistic picture of what that would be like. But, I have to admit, I sometimes dreamed of walks to the park, arts and crafts at the table, sitting down to lunch together and other things that were so enjoyable with my bio kids when they were young and not yet in school. And eventhough, I know that is not what I have with these kids I have chosen to love, I still set myself up for disappointment. Because I want it to be normal.

Denial is a normal part of the grieving process and I certainly find myself back there from time to time. But when I am able to recognize that it is my own expectation that leads to frustration, it's easier to move forward faster. So, when I walk the kids to the park and they sit at the bench the whole time and don't play (while I'm thinking "what did I take them to the park for?") or when I have a fun activity planned and we can only get through the first 2 minutes of it before I have to call an end to it, I have to remember the importance of what they learn by my leading the activity, keeping good boundaries with them, teaching them appropriate social interaction, is all more valuable at this stage in their lives than whatever the actual activity was going to do for them.

I still find myself grieving the loss of "normal". And I would imagine that is true for many foster parents. But, it's easier to recognize now and I guess that's a good step.

So, when Jenny* (age 5) literally walks out of her shoe on our family walk to rent a movie and leaves her shoe in the middle of the street. Yes, the middle of a very busy intersection. Just walked right out of it and left it there and said nothing and no one noticed for quite sometime that she was walking around with one shoe on. She wanted to sabotage our fun family time. And for the first few seconds when we all realized she left her shoe in the middle of the street, we began to get angry and look at Jenny like "what the hell is wrong with you?" We almost let her get what she wanted (lots of attention for really stupid behavior and for our fun time to be ruined by this ridiculous act). But, we didnt rush to get her shoe. We rented our movie and went about our business and said if it's still in the street when we walk back home, we'll get it, if not, I guess you have one shoe.

As we got back to the intersection, we saw the shoe. As we waited for the light to change for us to walk, the shoe was run over no less than 5 or 6 times. Each time, it was harder for me to hold back the laughter. We watched as, almost in slow motion, car after car ran over her shoe. When we got to the shoe, it was still intact enough to be worn although it now looks like, well, it's been run over a few times. We grabbed the shoe and went on our way back home. And Jenny now wears one really dirty shoe to school everyday.

I was frustrated on the walk back home. I knew in my mind, this would be one of those things we would laugh about and soon. But the pure disbelief at such a strange thing to do. One that we knew was intentional, but still made no sense. And there I am again, trying to fit a disturbed child's crazy behavior into "normal". It doesn't make sense and trying to make sense out of craziness, will just make you more crazy. So, let go of "normal". It doesn't live here.

It's Not About You

"I could never do what you do"

I should start keeping track of how many times I hear that as a foster parent. "It would just be so hard. I would get too attached." And do you know what pops into my head every. single. time I hear that? "Good thing it's not about you". Of course, I never say that. I usually just nod in some kind of agreement that "yeah, it's hard." Maybe one of these times I should say "just curious. Do I seem like some kind of heartless person that doesn't get attached?" Is that why I am able to do this and you aren't?"

The reality is, I do it for the greater good. Not for the immediate reward or satisfaction. I do it because someone has to. Many someones have to. And many more someones need to. But I certainly don't do it because it's somehow easier for me. It's hard. It's a sacrifice. Things are not called a sacrifice because they're easy.

It's also a commitment. Sometimes I wonder about people's understanding of that word. Do we commit to things until they get hard? Then can we stop? How about when they get really hard? Then it's ok, right? How about when it's not exactly how I thought it would be? Surely, then I am free to give up because, you know, that's just not fair. I had all these expectations of how it would be before I commited and well, I was duped. So, I am totally justified in not sticking with it then, right?

Given the number of times I hear people say something along the lines of sending back the kid like that defective toy I bought at the store, I would say, lots of people would answer 'yes' to my questions about commitment.

So, if you read my posts and don't get it or think I must be an awful foster parent because I don't act like I am just overjoyed and gushing with love for these kids every moment of every day, that's ok. "It's not about you". I'm blogging for other foster parents. And I think, most of them get it. Not that we agree on everything, but we get it. It's hard. It's a sacrifice. And we do it anyway.

She's Staying

It's crazy when you realize how much your own attitude, perceptions and feelings influence everything around you. Sometimes, I don't want to admit that I am contributing to the problem. But, I probably am. Darn it!

Our little Molly*, 4 y.o. has lived with us for just over 4 months now. She, in many ways, is a very sweet, funny, cute little girl. She plays well with others, has a great big smile and a little mousy voice. But, boy, does she have another side to her. A scary side. A side that makes my heart ache for her and her deep emotional issues, the trauma I imagine she has faced, the fears and anger and bottled up emotions she must have. But mostly, that side frustrates, annoys and even angers me. I know, I'm supposed to look at that sweet little 4 y.o., who will turn 5 in just 3 mos, but still fits into 3T clothing, and realize her pain and want to help her and love her the way she needs to be loved. And I do. But I also want to scream every time she uses her bed as a toilet, wakes up screaming in the middle of the night (not because she is scared, but because she knows she can disrupt our whole house), scrunches up her face and says rude, demanding, angry things. I want to scream when she refuses to eat anything I feed her. And I wanted her to go.

The funny part is, though, just a few days prior, I had heard she was leaving. We got a call that she was going to be able to move into a home with her older brother. He is currently living in a group home and CPS found a placement that was able to take Molly and her brother. I was sad when I got this news. I was happy for her and her brother, but a little sad that she was leaving. Fast forward a couple of days to all of this crazy behavior and I just couldn't wait for her to go. Let the count down begin!

And then today....that placement fell through. She's staying. Ahhhhhh! I had really gotten to the point where next Wed couldn't get here fast enough. Now, there's no end in sight. I got this news before she woke up this morning. When I went into her room, I asked if her bed was dry. It hasn't been dry in I don't know how long. Last night, I told her I would give her 2 stickers if her bed was dry. This morning, it was dry! Hallelujah! What a stupid thing to get so worked up about, I know. It's just wet sheets. No big deal. But it's just wet sheets that she is purposely peeing on, it's just wet sheets that are a manifestation of her anger and hurt. And I do exactly the wrong thing. Instead of not letting it bother me, because she wants it to bother me, I make sure everyone knows I'm not happy about this!

It wasn't always that way with Molly, though. I was more patient before. I knew the right way to handle it and I did (a lot of the time). But, I was done. She was leaving. And today, at breakfast while we talked about the importance of a cute pink shirt worn on your birthday, I realized how my own attitude toward her was fueling these issues.

So, she's staying and now I have to get back in. I have to do the hard work I know she needs. She's still going to drive me crazy. Oh, you haven't heard the last about Molly. But, I'm back in for the long haul with her. And that commitment makes a world of difference!

*All names of foster children will be changed on this blog to ensure their privacy.