Back to School w/RAD

We have gone back to school and are in our 3rd week now at our house. For foster parents that have school agers with attachment issues, this can be tricky.

For us, our first grader does well in school and is liked by her teachers, so there are not the behavioral issues that many parents of kids with attachment disorder deal with around back to school time.

With Jenny, 6yo, our issues tend to be the more sneaky behaviors. For example, she may "forget" to bring home important communication from the teacher, she tries to eat breakfast at school when she had a full breakfast at home, gets up during class to get a tissue or a drink of water and may ask lots of questions intended to disrupt instruction time, asks to go to the bathroom excessively, takes numerous trips to the nurse for minor scratches or tummy aches, headaches or other made up ailments, tries to get special treatment (wants to sit closest to teacher, holds her hand, sits in her lap, asks for more of something that the whole class may be getting). Many of these things can even go unrecognized by the teacher or seen as minor infractions compared to the kid whose throwing blocks at her head.

Here are some common issues that kids with attachment disorder have in school

This list covers several things teachers may encounter. One that we have seen with Jenny is what they call "Nuisance Behaviors"

Nuisance behaviors: These are frequently occurring minor infractions (such as interrupting or asking excessive questions) that disrupt the simplest of everyday interactions. These nuisance kinds of behaviors serve a dual purpose. First, they serve as ongoing reminders that the AD student is not under the teacher's domain. Secondly, they are "probes" that the AD child sends out into the environment to acquire information about the situation. From others' reactions to these "behavioral probes", AD children begin to piece together who is punitive and who is supportive; who will respond and who will ignore; who has a short fuse and who has a longer fuse, etc. The AD child uses the responses to his probes to figure out how to "work" the adults. When the AD child feels confident that he knows how to maneuver the teacher, the "honeymoon" will be over.

With our first placement of teen brothers, we had complaints from teachers about more outwardly disruptive behaviors in class, inability to focus on work, regressive behaviors (also listed on the link) coupled with his demonstration of real intelligence and ability to do good work.

Work production: The AD child most often either refuses to do assignments outright or does them in a haphazard, perfunctory manner. Occasionally, these children will apply themselves and often turn in a credible product when they do so. These seeming "lightning bolts" of intelligence, motivation, and effort are generally all too appealing to the adult world of teachers and parents; and that is precisely their purpose. The AD child dangles these moments of production in front of the adults to tantalize them into a game of trying to figure out what to do to get the AD student to perform like this more often. Taking this bait and entering this game is exactly like stepping in quicksand. The more the adults struggle to get the child to perform, the deeper the adults sink into the muck. Meanwhile, the AD child is "laughing all the way to the bank".

Since he was our first, we were pretty clueless on attachment disorder. I can't tell you how many times I found myself just puzzled at his ability one day and his complete inability the next. I absolutely took the bait and drove myself nuts trying to come up with ways to motivate him.

This brings me to homework:

There are great ideas here about how to deal with homework issues.

Don't go crazy trying to stay on top of your child's homework. If they are really struggling and need extra help with concepts (this can be hard to determine since they fake lack of understanding really well), get help before or after school or during lunch from the teacher, get a tutor if needed, but make it the child's responsibilty to organize themselves (give them tools to stay organized and tips, but don't clean out their backpacks for them, track down assignments etc), explain good study habits (like planning ahead for tests and projects, writing down assignments, taking notes, asking questions of the teacher etc) then step back and let them do it.

There are a few letters written to teachers that I have found on various sites that explain attachment disorder and give teachers tips on how to deal with classroom behaviors and the importance of communication with the parents. This one from Nancy Thomas is pretty thorough.

Here is my honest opinion about this approach with teachers: Although this is of high importance to me and my family, it's just one student of many to the teacher. Not to say that teachers don't care, that's not it at all. But teachers have not committed to parenting this child and educating themselves on all the things they possibly can about attachment disorder. So, if the child is not causing major issues in the classroom, I'm not sure the teacher is going to really want to read through and take to heart all that this letter says.

You also run the risk of sending the message to the teacher that you want to micromanage her. The teacher may very well think, you are one parent with one child and they have taught many, many students over the years - "I got this" may be their attitude. And truthfully, that would probably be my attitude as a teacher. So, for me, it's tough finding the right balance between giving the teacher necessary info, not allowing the child to triangulate the adults in this situation and letting the teacher know I am not questioning her expertise.

Some things in this letter, however, that I think are particularly important and should be brought to the teacher's attention are:

1. CALL THE PARENTS. They will likely not be real warm about this child and can be perceived as too harsh until you get to know them better. Have them in to talk with you about this issue. They are often hostile to outside commentary because no one without RAD information really knows what these folks are living with every day. Call them and talk about what you see in the classroom and ask if they have any other strategies for managing things.

2. Make it perfectly clear in your interactions with the child that YOU ARE THE BOSS of the classroom or activity. Remind the child, unemotionally but firmly, that you are the boss, you make the rules.

3. YOU ARE NOT THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER for this child. You cannot parent this child. You are his teacher, not his therapist, not his parents. Remind the child that her parents are where she can get hugs, cuddles, food and treats.

4. CONSEQUENCE POOR DECISIONS AND BAD BEHAVIOR

5. DO NOT ACCEPT POOR MANNERS OR INCOHERENT SPEECH. The child must say "May I please be excused to use the restroom?" Not "I gotta pee". And yes, they will wet themselves rather than ask appropriately just to upset you and make you think you're responsible for making them stand there too long. "I see that you wet yourself. That must not feel very good." And go back to whatever you were doing. Feel free to not respond to slurred or incoherent speech. The child will learn she cannot manipulate you into asking for a repetition or clarification. If you feel you must, tell the child you will not be able to hear him until he makes the choice to speak clearly and then turn your attention elsewhere. The child should say, "Yes, Miss Janice", "No, Mr. Sayers". "Yeah" and "nope" and "I don't know" are no longer part of the child in therapy's vocabulary – do not tolerate them in your classroom, they are disrespectful.

6. SUPPORT THE PARENTS. The child who is losing control at home and in the classroom because folks are "on to him" will get a whole lot worse before he gets better. Listen appropriately. Absolutely redirect this child to her parents for choices, hugs, decision-making and sharing of information you believe is either not true or is designed to shock or manipulate you. Follow up with the parents.

Hope something in here helps you all have a better school year!

Food Issues, part 2

In my first post about food issues, I listed several behaviors around food that we see regularly in our home:

1. refusal to eat
2. gorging with food
3. asking for food constantly
4. sneaking food
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it
7. eating strange food
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)
9. hiding or hoarding food


Like I said in my original post, food issues are always present because we eat every day, multiple times a day.

Shirley came to us at 18mos, she is now 2 1/2yo. When she was first placed, she would stand near her high chair and scream as her way of indicating she wanted food. On a couple of occasions, if I did not get her food quickly enough, she would go to the trash and eat food out of it.

Her sister, Jenny, would constantly ask about food, wanting to know what and when the next meal was. She would ask for food all day long even immediately after eating.

A year later, Shirley does not eat out of the trash (but will eat food she finds on the floor, on the ground or in the car no matter how old or gross it may be) and Jenny knows the rules of the house which include not asking for food between meal times and is typically very compliant with that. She still, however, asks for more food at every meal and snack and will eat far past no longer being hungry.

Due to the structure we have in place around food in our home, there appears to be huge improvements in this area. Both girls have learned to slow down (now, Shirley rarely gags on her food, where before this was a daily thing), both have learned to chew with their mouths closed at least half of the time, both have learned not to ask for food between meals and snacks, Jenny has learned that saying "I'm hungry" is the same thing as asking for food, both girls have learned that eating like a pig (getting more food on themselves and the floor than in their mouths) tells me you're not really that hungry and both girls have learned that I say when they have had enough to eat.

But step outside our home, take them to a party where there are other people and food, send them on a visit with bio mom, take them to church where there is food, send them to school and daycare and they seem to have lost all of that learning.

They turn into begging puppies around any person outside of our household.

And boy, do people love to fall for this one.

At church, they ask for snacks for the 1hr period they are away from us (right after breakfast and right before lunch). Jenny eats a full breakfast at home before school, then goes to the school cafeteria after I drop her off and has another breakfast.

At visits with bio mom, they eat so much food, Shirley regularly comes home and vomits or has diarrhea. Shirley guzzles all of her drinks (even makes herself throw up on water) as if she will never have another drink. The parent aide tells us Jenny sneaks food out of her purse at visits and basically eats non-stop for the whole 4hr visit.

Shirley comes home from daycare covered in food like a 1yo just learning how to eat table food would look.

I'm sure I am being way too pessimistic about the improvement and that in reality, they have learned some element of self-control around food, some table manners, some reassurance that we will provide them food regularly, but it often feels like a year of masking an emotional issue that isn't actually healing. As I mention here, a sign of a healthy attachment includes a healthy relationship with food (#23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.) And this is a glaring reminder how far they have to go.

I know, it takes time. Lots of time. *sigh* I have no patience.

In the meantime, I think I want to get these for all of our kiddos:

Let's Play Dumb - Part I

This started turning into a very lengthy post, so I decided to make it part 1 on the subject (I have a lot to say :)

Oh the joys of living with kids who want everyone to believe they can't do it or don't understand. They're good at it too. They almost get me to believe they really can't or don't know. But, they're kids and no matter how good they are at manipulating a situation, they eventually slip up. They eventually show you they are more than capable. You just have to be paying attention.

One thing that I know that they don't: I've now parented and provided respite for nearly 20 kids in the past 3yrs and ALL of them displayed these same behaviors. I've seen it before, I've parented it before and I've seen kids get past this stage with the right interventions. So, unlike their teachers at school, their friends' parents, their parent's friends, extended family members, people at church, their neighbors etc., I'm on to them and I won't be fooled.

So, what do I mean by playing dumb? Here are a few examples (if you are a foster parent, I'm sure you'll recognize a at least a few of these behaviors):

1. Asking questions you know (or at least highly suspect) they know the answer to - if they should know the answer, they probably do. If it's something where they appear to be oblivious to the situation around them or the conversation around them, it's fake. One thing about traumatized kids is they are typically hyper-vigilant. They hear and notice everything! They are paying attention to everything! So, if they pretend to be oblivious, it's just that - pretending.

2. Pretending not to know how to count, know their colors, their ABCs etc. - if it is age-appropriate to know these things, they probably do (at least more than they let on). This one is difficult because it's not uncommon for abused and neglected children to have developmental and learning delays which makes it more difficult to distinguish what is a real delay and what is an act. Here is one sign to look for: if they get it wrong 100% of the time, it's probably fake. Random chance would allow for a child who really doesn't know the answer to get it right sometimes. If they get it wrong every time, they're probably trying to (which means they know the right answer). Even neglected and abused children will eventually learn these things. Recognizing colors, letters, numbers are things that even when they aren't explicitly taught, kids will pick them up from their environment. So, if they seem to not be picking it up, they are likely pretending not to know (or they have a serious cognitive disability, in which case, you would probably know - it would be more obvious and effect many areas of development).

3. Appearing to not know basic life skills - knowing how to eat with utensils, knowing how to get dressed properly, knowing how to walk normally (without walking into walls, tripping and falling over nothing etc), knowing how to talk/communicate appropriately (even non-verbal kids can do this or attempt to do this), and follow 1 or 2 step directions (even very small kids can do this).

** I don't want to seem insensitive to kids that have real delays and need real help. Certainly, we don't want to overlook them. The reason for this post is to give foster parents who find themselves questioning their own sanity - wondering how their child could seem to know so much sometimes, then seem completely incapable other times - a different way to help their children. If your kiddo is faking incompetence, doing things for them, explaining over and over, getting frustrated and allowing them to continue to feign ignorance and lowering expectations of them, is not helping them.

So, what to do?:

This is a great video by Christine Moers where she talks about some of the things she does when her kids play dumb:



Here is another video that addresses nonsense questions and chatter (which can be a way of playing dumb, also a way of controlling the flow of conversation or just being annoying to those around them):



In part II, I'll address nonsense questions and chatter specific to the kids we are currently fostering, what we do, what has worked and what hasn't. In part III, I'll talk about the oh so funny, oh so frustrating daily shoe fiasco and what we do about it :)

LICE - Eeek!

Let me start by saying I am not happy about being an expert on this subject. I would much rather have gained just about any other expertise as a result of fostering. But, since I had no choice in the matter, I guess I'll use my lice expert powers for good rather than evil.

Here are some of the many things I have learned about lice management, treatment and prevention. Just tuck them away (or bookmark this page) in the unfortunate case that you ever need them:

1. Lice are not easy to see and if you don't know what you are looking for, can be easily missed in a head check.

2. Contrary to popular belief, lice do not like dirty, greasy hair.

3. Lice shampoos do not work as directed on the packaging.

4. There are lots of other necessary steps in addition to treating with shampoo.

5. Combing out nits is not as easy as it sounds.

6. All nit combs are not created equal.

7. It takes longer than you think to completely get rid of lice.

8. If you know someone has it, it's actually easier to keep from spreading to other people in the house than you might think.

9. Coconut oil is my friend.

10. Freaking out, yelling at kids, threatening to shave people's heads really does not help the situation.


First, what are you looking for?

The first time we dealt with lice, our 5 yo foster daughter was scratching her head a lot. She even told me she had lice (apparently she had it before, so she knew what she was talking about - eventhough she called them "fleas"). Now, if you know little Jenny*, you know that she thinks she has every single ailment under the sun. So, I didn't believe her. But I didn't want to ignore it, so I looked in her hair.
Looked fine to me!
The reality is, I had no idea what I was even looking for. I guess I thought it would be really obvious as soon as I looked in her hair. Well, it's not.

Here is what the bugs look like:

This is a blown up picture, so they are much smaller than this. As you can see they look different depending on their maturity. It takes them about 10 days to get to mature adults that can lay eggs. When doing a head check on an itchy kid, don't expect to see these guys. They move very quickly and are very hard to spot. It's not until you have treated the hair, that they begin to slow and die and then are easier to see. Also, when combing out the hair, you will likely see some both dead and still moving slowly. But don't expect to check a kid's hair for lice and see bugs.

What you will see instead are the nits:

These are very tiny and also very hard to see, especially if you don't know what you are looking for. Is it dandruff, food, dirt, lint? It really is pretty hard to tell.

Here is what distinguishes nits from dandruff, food, dirt, lint:

* Nits are attached to the hair shaft with a strong "glue". If you see what looks like a nit, but it easily comes off the hair (from just movement), it's not a nit.

* Nits are tear drop shaped and almost translucent white, however, as the lice grows in the egg, it becomes more brown. So, don't expect to see a big white egg (that's what I was looking for).

If your child has lice:

There are some different options here. You can purchase lice shampoo and treat with that first. Then follow up with the coconut oil treatment I will explain here. Or you can skip the lice shampoo and go straight to coconut oil treatment.

How to decide?

It's totally up to you. We used lice shampoo the first time because we didn't know any other way. We also followed the directions on the shampoo packaging because we didn't know any better. The first time, we not only had 5 yo Jenny* with lice, but also 4 yo Molly* and 2 yo Shirley* who all shared a room. It had not spread to anyone else in the family (2 adults and 3 other kids) who did not share a room with Jenny. If you have a bit of an infestation like we did (she had an itchy head for a while and had spread it to 2 other kids before we identified it), you'll probably want to do the shampoo. In subsequent "outbreaks", we caught it early, contained it to only one child and opted to skip the shampoo method.

Part of why I do not use the lice shampoo, is because I have found that I don't need to use it, to get rid of the lice. I'd rather not put all of that pesticide on my kids heads if I don't have to. I'm not even a fan of using commercial shampoos because of the toxins I'm worried will absorb into the blood stream via the scalp. So, all of the heavy duty pesticide in those shampoos is not really something I want to use unless I have to.

I also do not find that it works better. So, it is not a matter of using a less effective alternative in order to avoid chemicals. It's just as effective of an alternative (in my opinion). Another reason, lice shampoos are expensive. My husband, however, has more peace of mind when we use the shampoo. So, if that is where you are at, I totally get it.

If you use the shampoo:

1. Keep it on the hair for an hour (or as close to an hour as you can get 45+ min.) - the packaging says 10min. That does not work. Per the nurse at our pediatrician's office, it is because the lice have become more resistant to the pesticides, so it takes much longer exposure to kill them.

2. Comb out the dead bugs - do not use the stupid plastic combs that come with the kit. They don't work. Instead buy the metal ones that look like this:

Don't bother with the gel that comes with the kit either. It gets so gooped up, you can't even tell what you are combing out or if you are even getting anything. Just comb through the wet hair after rinsing out the shampoo.

3. Wait the 2 days as stated on the package before going to the coconut oil treatment.

4. Wash all clothing, bedding, towels in hot water immediately after use. You will want to do this every day until you are sure the lice are gone. This can be one of the more frustrating parts of dealing with lice. We had 3 little girls who took naps every day, so I was washing bedding for 3 beds 2x per day.

After shampoo or instead of shampoo - coconut oil:

1. Buy yourself a jar of coconut oil:

When you have time, google all the great uses for coconut oil. You'll be wanting to keep a couple of jars on hand.

It will likely be solid when you buy it. It has a very low melting temp, so as soon as summer hits here in Phx, it stays in liquid form at room temperature.

2. Coat the hair with coconut oil. If it is solid, scoop some out, rub it in your hands (this will melt it quickly), then rub it all over the hair. Make sure to get a good coating all over the hair.

3. Comb out the hair (use the metal comb - see above). The coconut oil will not kill the bugs the way the shampoo will, but it will slow them considerably. The coconut oil makes the hair too slippery for the lice to cling to, so they are easier to comb out. If you have already used the shampoo method 2 days earlier, you may be combing out dead bugs that you missed the first day. Otherwise, expect live bugs. I keep a small bowl (actually an old sour cream container) with hot water and vinegar right next to me while I comb as well as paper towels. You will need to clean out the comb frequently (basically every pass through the hair). So, the bugs and nits go straight into the hot vinegar water as I comb them out. Lice cannot live in high heat, so the hot water should kill them, but I also use vinegar b/c, well, I use it on everything.

4. You can wrap the head in a shower cap if your child will keep that on. We tried saran wrap, then shower cap. It didn't really stay on and it isn't really necessary. Just leaving the coconut oil in the hair makes it hard for the bugs to move and makes it hard for the nits to glue to the hair shaft. If the hair is dripping with oil (it shouldn't be after combing it out), you can blot it with a paper towel. But, keep the oil in the hair for a couple of days (2-3), combing through each day. This will get oil on clothes and bedding. I have not had an issue with it washing out though.

5. Shampoo the hair with regular shampoo, then rinse with vinegar. Lice do not like vinegar and it also helps dissolve the "glue" that holds the nits to the hair. Also, apple cider vinegar is a natural hair conditioner. Rinse with vinegar, then rinse out the vinegar with water.

6. You can also blow dry the hair since the heat can kill the lice too.

7. Continue to comb out hair daily until you are no longer finding nits. Check the hair periodically even after you stop finding nits to make sure you didn't miss any. Nits will hatch after about 7-10 days then take another 10 days to mature to lay more eggs. So, if you miss any nits, you want to be sure you are regularly checking so that if they do hatch into bugs, you can get them out before they lay more eggs. I find combing them out with the oil in the hair to be much easier and more effective, but I do like to comb dry hair every once in a while, because they are easier to see in dry hair.


Home Care:

1. Make sure to wash all bedding, towels, clothing and anything else that is washable in hot water immediately after use.

2. Vaccum carpets, couches, car seats, mattresses and anything that cannot be washed. We also use lice spray (it smells like bug spray) on all of these surfaces before and/or after vaccumming at least once per day. Luckily, we have leather couches and leather interior in the car, so there was less to have to spray.

3. Pillows and stuffed animals and other items that cannot be washed can be put into black trash bags, tied up tight and left sealed for at least 10 days. Some things that I have read said to keep it tied up for 30 days. I really can't see why that is necessary since lice cannot live off the human body for more than 4 days or so (and that is in mild temps - shorter for hotter temps). Nits can live off the human body for up to 10 days, but will not hatch in high heat (or extreme cold). We left ours in the garage (and in Phx, that's HOT). You can also put those items in the dryer on high heat. Honestly, we threw a lot of these things away the first time. Partly due to paranoia and partly because we really had no idea how bad everything was since it took us so long to catch the lice in the first place. Since that first time, we have dealt with it several more times because one of our placements was having overnight visits with bio parents and came home with lice every time. So, once a week, we had to manage and treat lice. Fun, fun!

Prevention:

Once we had one of our kiddos coming back every week with lice, we had to be in prevention mode for the rest of the family. Obviously, no sharing brushes, hair products, towels, bedding etc. We kept everything cleaned as described above in Home Care.

Some other things to do:

1. Coconut shampoo - lice don't like coconut (I don't know why), so some people use coconut shampoo regularly (even the cheap Suave stuff).

2. Vinegar - do a vinegar rinse once a week. Again, this is a good natural conditioner. Also, lice do not like it.

3. Tea Tree Oil - lice do not like this either. You can put a few drops in your regular shampoo as a preventative. There is a lice shield spray on the market that has a tea tree oil type smell (it might be eucalyptus or something). Our school nurse recommended this spray. You could make your own with tea tree oil or add it to the shampoo for the same effect.

4. Coconut oil treatment - this can also be done weekly or a couple times a month. Lots of people like how soft their hair feels afterward.

5. Keep the infected child's hair greasy with coconut oil and pulled back as much as possible.

If you regularly check your kids hair for lice, you can make sure you catch it quickly which makes it much easier to get rid of. Once we knew our 2yo was coming home with it after every visit, we were able to keep it just to her and none of the other family members ever got it. That is with a 2yo running around and getting into things, playing with the other kids etc, not being careful not to spread it (you know, typical 2yo stuff) and we were still able to prevent everyone else from getting it.

If you stay calm and realize it is a process and not to panic, you'll be fine. You are not going to get it all out in one day. It takes a little while. You need to be ok with the fact that it will still be in their hair for a while before it is completely gone. Just use the preventative tips for yourself and others in the home and keep working on the infected child until it's completely gone.

It's also good to remember that lice spreads by the bugs. The bugs are killed by the shampoo or the oil treatment and after that you are working on getting nits out. Although the nits can get onto things, if you are washing well and not sharing items, it's not that easy to spread. If you are combing and checking regularly any newly hatched nits should be caught before they can spread and lay more eggs. When you remember that, it's easier to be calm knowing there is a kid with a head full of nits running around your house.

The first time we had it, I felt this urgency to get it all out right away. This was impossible which made me absolutely crazy. I spent 2 hours each morning and 2 hours each night combing out hair. This lasted for 2 weeks. The kids were basically "quarantined", not allowed to play like normal, sit on anything etc. because we were so panicked about spreading it. I felt like we would never get a handle on it. I almost killed everyone in the family with all of my stress over the situation.

Once I learned how to manage it, I'm much calmer about it. It's not that hard to manage if you know what you are doing and it will go away.

I hope this was helpful. My head feels itchy now!

Food Issues

I think I should call this post food issues, part 1. Seriously, food issues and foster care could be its own, very, long book.

We know that food issues are always listed on RAD symptom lists. What makes it particularly difficult is just how many ways one can have issues with food. Hence, the need for a whole book. Every, single, one of our placements have had issues with food (except the 2 infants). This includes Shirley (who came to us at 18mos) and all of the children we have ever done respite for.

So, it's a big issue. One worth talking about. It's also one of those issues that is present all the time. We eat everyday. We eat several times a day. So, this issue is constantly being dealt with. As is the case with so many attachment related issues, it is less about the intensity of the behavior and more about the frequency and duration of them that makes it so much to deal with.

It's not like all families haven't dealt with picky eaters

or rude table manners

It's important to remember (especially if you are a friend or family member of a foster or adoptive family) that almost all RAD behaviors when looked at in isolation, can seem like totally normal kid stuff. This kind of thinking is what leads people to begin to think maybe the parents have unreasonable expectations or somehow don't understand that this is pretty typical kid behavior. The reality is, all kids show some of these behaviors, some of the time. If you are parenting a child that displays many of these behaviors, most of the time, it's a different ball game.


So, what kind of food issues do we see?

1. refusal to eat
2. gorging with food
3. asking for food constantly
4. sneaking food
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it
7. eating strange food
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)
9. hiding or hoarding food

When we had our first placement of teen brothers, I wanted to be sensitive to their preferences. I asked lots of questions about what they like, what they don't like, what they were used to eating before. I took input on the meal planning and wanted them to feel like they had some say over what they ate. I also wanted them to feel like our family was able to make changes or incorporate some of what they wanted rather than having them have to do all of the adjusting to a new home.

This was a terrible idea!

Now, in theory, it is not a terrible idea. The boys were older and presumably could participate in these things. It's true that kids coming into your home have to do all of the adjusting and that seems sad and unfair. However, we aren't having our niece and nephew over for the summer, it isn't our friends sleep over where we ask the guest what they want to eat. We are taking care of traumatized children.

These children have unhealthy relationships and that includes unhealthy relationships with food.

Food is such a part of our early experiences with our primary caregivers. Infants are held and fed and rocked and comforted and soothed all while being nourished. Our brains are still developing and we associate food and nourishment with so much sensory input, with warmth, love and comfort. They become totally intermingled.

When there are disruptions to that normal development (cries of hunger are ignored, babies bottles are propped and left alone to eat, cries of hunger are met with an angry, abusive reaction), it has a profound impact on the child's ability to relate to other humans. It is an essential part of human existence to be in relationship with others. When that is disrupted, that is the first order of business for healing.

Repairing those broken connections should be of the utmost importance. When a child comes into your home, they need to know you are the one that meets their needs. And one of the most basic of those, is food.

So, what do we do?

1. specific meal and snack times (no asking for food between those times)
2. eat what is offered, or do not eat, makes no difference to me. My dog would love to have your dinner, if you don't. You can try again at the next meal.
3. eat appropriate amounts of food (can have more if still hungry, but I decide when you have had enough)
4. eat with appropriate utensils in an appropriate way
5. chew with mouth closed
6. say "thank you" when served
7. ask for more saying "please" and using complete sentences (if they have those verbal skills)
8. no negative comments about the food ("I don't like peas", smells weird, looks funny, is good, but would be better with ___)
9. no picking at food

When you start to do one of these behaviors, you are telling me that you are not hungry anymore and mealtime is over for you. In the beginning, you may be ending mealtime a lot. But they eventually get it. It's important to offer consistent mealtimes and snacks, so they have opportunity to try again a couple hours later.

You'll be able to tell when they are really hungry and when they aren't because when they really want to eat, they will use their fork or spoon like you never knew they could, they'll chew with their mouths closed and wipe their faces with a napkin. It's pretty amazing to me how nicely they can eat in one setting (our house) and how much they become like animals when eating in another setting (on visits with bio parents).

I have literally hundreds of food stories to share, so stay tuned for part 2!

The Worst Part

The worst part of fostering, the stuff that makes me want to quit, is not the kids and their crazy behaviors. It's the system. It's so broken. Broken to a point that feels like it is completely beyond repair. It is a system that often feels like it is actively hurting the same children it was put in place to help. And I'm a part of it. I'm regularly asked to go along with bad decisions that hurt the children in my care, children that I have been asked to care for, love, keep safe, and make a part of my family. What a ridiculous system.


Molly, who I talked about here, will be turning 5 yo tomorrow. She will also be dropped off at daycare in the morning as she is many mornings, picked up by her Parent Aide as she is every Friday for a visit with her dad. Only tomorrow, her parent aide will not be bringing her home as she usually does. Instead, she will drive her to a new home, with new parents, new siblings, new rules, new surroundings, new schools where she will live until the next time CPS chooses to move her. The reason for this move is to be placed with her brother.


We will not be permitted to meet with the new family to give Molly some continuity, to give the family info about Molly and her needs, likes, routines etc. We will not be permitted to even share this info by phone. We will not be permitted to bring Molly's belongings to the new house and Molly will not be given a chance to say goodbye to the girls she has lived with for nearly 8 mos who have become her sisters or the people who have fed her, clothed her, loved her, kept her safe and have become her second set of parents. She will also not be permitted to see us or even call us once she's moved.


Why? Surely there is a good reason for such an unfortunate move. The truth is, we aren't being told why and the more we ask to help make her transition to her new home easier, the more resistance we encounter, the more we ask "why?" aren't we being allowed to do the very thing CPS claims they want foster families to do, the more the case manager digs in her heels.


And, lest you think this is a rare, unfortunate occurrence, I'm here to tell you it's not. Has our family perhaps done something to warrant this decision making by CPS? Maybe there is good reason not to allow future contact. There's not. There is no good reason. The sad reality is, CPS often struggles with power. CPS case managers are scrutinized for their decisions, they encounter angry birth parents regularly, they are admonished by judges for not doing enough, they have high case loads and a stressful job. And unfortunately, that combination sometimes (and really, when I say sometimes, I mean most of the time) makes for a person on a power trip, a person that refuses to be questioned in any way or consider that there may be a different way to do things.


You know what's hard about doing what's best for the child? It takes more time than just doing whatever works best in your schedule. It requires you to really listen to other members of the team, gather information and take your time in making decisions. It requires you to set aside the pressing matter before you to really think about what the child is experiencing. How many times have I seen a case manager do this? Not many. Sadly, not many.


Of all the things CPS case managers are required to do, the most important is doing what's best for the child. Of all the things CPS is required to do, what do they seem to do the least well? What's best for the child.


Today is a sad day for me where I am struggling to see the good in this situation. I am wrestling with the notion that I may not be fighting this bad decision hard enough. I have learned to fight CPS is to dig your own grave. It doesn't go well. Ever. So, I not only have to sit and let this happen, I have to be an active participant in it. This is the part of fostering that makes people want to give up.

What the New Girl Brings

We got a new placement. Well, at this point, it has been nearly 2 weeks since she came. She witnessed something pretty horendous which led to her removal. I picked her up in the middle of the night from the CPS office downtown. She was understandably frightened and seemed in shock (dazed, confused etc). She came to our house and surprisingly, went right to bed and slept through the whole night.

In the days that have followed, little Dusty (3yo) has been quite the challenge. She does not answer any direct questions, usually acting as if she is not even aware you have asked a question, other times going on and on about something totally unrelated to the question.

She often babbles on with nonsensical chatter and talks to herself like Rain Man.

Hence the blog name, Dusty. I know, I'm so clever. Where is your sense of humor people?

She also wanders aimlessly, seems to have no concept of following directions or cause and effect or consequences. She has bad table manners, rude, demanding speech, doesn't play well with the other kids at home and hits the kids at her daycare. So, our newest addition brings lots of challenges. She has also brought lots of discussion about how we wish we had gotten on the list for a baby. Several of us wanted a baby, but opted to go on the list for a more open range and see who God brought to us. My 12 yo son said "Next time you and dad start talking about 'let's see who God brings us', remember who He brought this time and just go on the list for a baby".

And I certainly have had my doubts, saying things like "she just doesnt seem to be getting with the program here" and secretly (or not so) wishing the middle of the night call had been for a baby and not little Dusty. I've also really questioned why God would put such another challenging child in our home when we already had 3.

And this is what He showed me:

In one of the first few days here, we had to get Dusty accustomed to asking for things in an appropriate manner. All of the kids that have come in our home have struggled with this. It is very common for them to say "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" or "I want that" or even "give me that". First, we teach them to say "please" and "thank you". If they can't get this minimum requirement, they don't get to have it. If they say "please", but refuse to say "thank you" once it is given to them, we immediately take it away.

Soon after that, they are required to ask for things in complete sentences (those who have the verbal skills to do that). So, we don't just say "please", we say "please can I have some juice?" And every single time the "new kid" will say "please?" I'll say "please what?" They'll continue to repeat "please?" I'll model for them several times repeat after me "please can I have some juice?" They will say "please" and they will even say "can I have some juice?" but they will refuse to say the two things together. It's exhausting. And they are good! They have cornered the market on making people actually believe they are incapable of doing it, that they really don't understand. Foster parents: DONT FALL FOR THAT TRICK! It may take a while, but if they want that juice badly enough, they will do it exactly the way you ask them to. And it is sooooo important that they do it exactly the way you ask them to. For one, it teaches them who is in charge. We have lots of conversations at the beginning of placement as to who is in charge. "Who is the Boss?" we ask. "I'm the boss, I'm in charge because I keep you safe." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Secondly it reinforces that the primary caregiver is the one that meets their needs. Their primary caregiver is the one they go to when they need something, want something, need help, need/want nurture and comfort. We don't walk around saying "I'm hungry" into the wind and food falls out of the sky. That's not how it works, we look to our primary caregivers to take care of us.

Both of these concepts of who is in charge and keeps us safe and who meets our needs are totally foreign to kids in foster care or at least very skewed and unhealthy. So, it's not that I am a control freak and want everything done my way, although I am painfully aware that it appears that way to almost everyone outside of our family. It's because they need that more than anything else you can give them right now. Even more than they need that hug and that comfort (not that that's not super important, but in the beginning, they need to know who is in charge, who keeps them safe and who meets their needs. Those hugs and comfort are so much more meaningful within that context).

So, back to my story.

Dusty was asking for something. We were still at the stage where she just needed to say "please". She had been told several times to say "please" and she had been reminded several times "that is not how we ask for things here". At this point, she was sitting on the couch (because she was playing inappropriately and now had to sit out). She babbled on and on about being thirsty and being hungry and a bunch of other nonsense words. It was annoying, but I was going about my day, cleaning up and doing things in the kitchen. I was done reminding her that she needed to say "please". She already knew that, so we were done. She could sit on that couch all day and mumble about food. It didn't matter to me.

Then, out of nowhere, Shirley (2yo) walks over to Dusty on the couch, leans in real close to her face and yells "peash!" Now, Shirley has always been my biggest challenge. She too had her time of refusing to say "please" and "thank you". And here she was in her little baby voice yelling at this "new girl" to say please! It's as if she was saying, "just get it right already because this is annoying!" I cracked up laughing.

And over the course of the next several days, I have seen both Shirley (2yo) and Molly (4yo) coaching Dusty. Molly has taken very much to the helper role. She loves that she is big and knows the rules and routine of the house and can show them to Dusty. She loves the praise she gets when she is working really hard to do things right. And I have been able to see in a way that is so much clearer that the girls have learned, they have improved and they have internalized that behavior. They behave very respectfully toward my husband and I because we expect nothing less. But they do it now, not only because they have to in order to get what they want, but because they respect themselves too. They are proud of the way they have become in our home. They are proud to be the kids that perfect strangers come up and say "Wow. You're kids are really well behaved" (and this is in a sit-down restaurant with 6 kids).

Molly reminds me that I am her safe person, that I love her and that I take care of her. And those are all words I have given her, but now she says them spontaneously and in a context that I can tell she understands it, she feels it, she believes it.

Sometimes, in the daily grind of it all, it's hard to see the differences being made. But thanks to our new girl, Dusty, they are so much clearer.

So, maybe that's why God didn't bring us a baby!