Planning Fun Activities with Non-Fun Kids

I suspect many foster parents will know exactly what I'm talking about without even going any further in this post.

Am I right?

I talked a little about this in my post Grieving the Loss of Normal, but I'm not sure I can vent about process this too many times.

My older bio kids were going to the water park today, so I decided to plan a smaller scale water day for the "littles" (that's what we call the three girls 6, 4, 3).

Some days just getting out the door exhausts me. Today was one of those days.

One of the things I learned from Nancy Thomas was not to announce big things/fun activities because traumatized kids have a way of trying to sabotage fun. So, she suggests giving as little warning as possible. This is totally counter to all of the child development stuff I learned in college and applied to my bio kids when they were younger. We did lots of anticipatory talking about things and preparing and building excitment. But, it is true, we have found with the foster kiddos, we have better luck (less sabotage) if we give less warning. But as I am packing towels and getting swimsuits and sunscreen and water bottles etc., it's hard not to know something is going on.

To add to the build up, I still had lots to do in getting the big kids to the water park, picking up friends, signing up for season passes, standing in long lines etc., before I could take the littles to their water fun. By the time we get to the splash pad, I have already fielded about a million (yes, it was just shy of a million, I'm sure of it) ridiculous questions (in case you think I exaggerate, they were ridiculous: "Is this food?", asks Shirley at lunch), taken a world record number of potty breaks (something about wearing a swimsuit under your clothes not only makes going to the restroom more difficult, it also apparently makes your bladder shrink to the size of a pea), foolishly put the 6yo in charge of my purse while I helped the little ones in the bathroom (I know, I was just asking for it with that move).

But, alas, we arrive at the splash pad full of kids running and splashing and squealing and laughing and delighting in the joy that is being a kid.


Yeah, something like that.

And here are my kids:


Blankly staring at the water like they don't know what it is.

Shirley (3y.o.): "Mama. My finger got wet (holding out her one index finger). I need a towel."

Me: "You are here to get wet. No towels until we are ready to go home."

Jenny (6y.o.): "Can I go throw a penny in the fountain?" (pointing about a quarter mile away from where we are playing).

Me: "No. You are here to play in the water."

Jenny (after 30 sec playing in the water): "Those boys keep getting me wet."

Me: "Good. That's why we're here."

A table in the shade opens up, I go set my bag and shoes and water and all the stuff I carry around like a pack mule and plop into the chair ready to sit back and watch the kids play while sipping on my iced tea.

Jenny: "I need to go potty"

Shirley: "I need to go potty too"

Dusty (4yo): "Me too"

Me: "Alright. Get your shoes on"

We come back from the bathroom and my cozy seat in the shade is now gone. I set myself back up on the curb of the flower bed nearby and I turn around to see all 3 girls with handfulls of rocks just seconds from throwing them into the fountain.

Me: "It's time to go home."

And I know it's going to be like this.

But I still try. And I guess that's what I'm supposed to do, keep giving them fun, kid experiences even if they are no-fun-party-poopers.

Community Children

I've wanted to do a post on this for a long time. It's a subject that I feel very strongly about and an issue that comes up all.the.time for our family (and I imagine lots of other families too).

And what is it exactly? It's adults, other people outside the family that feel it is appropriate to parent, nurture or otherwise interact with my children as though they were their caregiver. It makes me nuts and it was never so apparent to me just how many people behave in this manner until I became a foster parent. Then it seemed, they were everywhere. People, with what seem to be the best intentions, were offering to do things for children in my care that are really a parent's job. These are things that I could never imagine anyone offering to do for my bio kids, nor things I would ever allow others to do for my bio kids, nor would my bio kids ever allow to be done for them by anyone but myself or my husband (or some other immediate family member). I often find myself saying "I could never imagine doing that with someone else's child"

My initial hypothesis as to why I suddenly noticed this phenomenon, was that people do not see foster children as my kids. It's like they see them as community children. Maybe they feel like you stepped up to take care of kids that are not yours, so this is their small contribution to the cause? I'm sure they feel the more caring, loving people in the kids lives, the better. I know there is no malice in this behavior. I just wish I could communicate to others how inappropriate it is and how damaging it is for kids with attachment issues.

See, kids with attachment issues want attention from everyone except their families. This stems from an inability to form meaningful relationships. It's easy to be cute and charming to the outside world. It's easy to put on a show for people you have limited contact with. But your family, your mom and dad, they see you at your best and your worst. It's their job to protect you at your most vulnerable, to love you when you are being unlovable. It's a reciprocal relationship, however. You don't often think about it in those terms with a parent-child relationship, but the child gives back to the parent in a healthy family relationship. The child gives unconditional love and trust to their parents. And they learn this as infants. It's the lack of this reciprocal relationship that becomes very obvious, early on in the foster parent-child relationship. The rejecting of your parents love while seeking attention from other adults (the kind of attention you should seek from your primary caregiver) is a classic sign of attachment disorder. And to people outside the immediate family, it is not obvious at all. In fact, most times, they cannot see it at all. This causes all kinds of issues as well because there is this disbelief from outsiders that there is anything wrong. The child, to them, seems perfectly well-adjusted, friendly, seeking love and nurture etc.

I've come to question my original hypothesis after reading this article where the author is asking bystanders and others to not help her child. She is not a foster parent, but she is writing about this type of intrusive behavior by other adults toward her biological child. So, that got me thinking, it may not be that people behave this way more with foster children (although that may still be true), but that foster children react and respond to this behvior by other adults in a totally different way than kids who don't have attachment issues.

For example, both of my bio children as well as one foster that was placed as an infant, reacted similarly to being approached by strangers. They would move closer to me, maybe cling to my leg or hide behind me. Sometimes, it could be someone that was not a total stranger, but more of a casual acquaintance. In that case, they would likely be more open to the other person, maybe tolerate the high five or smile or laugh with them. They may not make any body movements toward me, but would certainly not tolerate me leaving them. And if that person reached out to pick them up or take them off somewhere, then all bets would be off. While, they may have been open to interaction, there were definite signals that this interaction had its limits. There was a definite identifying with their people (who they are there with, who they belong to, who they trust). With foster children, there is no such signal. They not only welcome the interaction, but they move closer to the stranger. The signals they give are that they are very comfortable and familiar with that person and would show no signs of opposition to being taken away from their primary caregiver to go off with this person.

Of course, this should all be making you very uncomfortable and wanting to scream "stranger danger".

And that is, of course, one of the many reasons this type of behavior cannot be allowed. But this is not simply a case of a child that just needs to be taught stranger danger or a kid that never learned it. The reality is, our bio kids learn this concept well before we are even able to have this type of conversation with them. They learn stranger danger inherently and innately. Sure, we should all have the discussion over and over with our kids about not going with someone to help find their puppy or get some candy etc., but inherently our kids already have some stranger danger well before they are able to understand the concept of bad people or strangers wanting to harm them. It's how we were designed to interact with our caregivers and the world. And that design has been disrupted and damaged due to abuse and neglect and trauma.

It's much more serious than having "the talk" about strangers. It's a signal that developmentally things are not right. It's telling us the hardwiring needs to be fixed.

So, what to do? Well, in an ideal world, you would keep your foster children close to you as though you would an infant. You (and your spouse) would do all of the meeting of basic needs. You would not allow others to feed, clothe, pick up, cuddle or in any way nurture your child. If you are fostering an infant, my suggestion would be to limit the amount of people and time others can hold the baby, do not allow anyone but yourself or your spouse (maybe an older sibling - immediate household members) to feed the baby, rock the baby to sleep or comfort the crying baby. This is especially true for infants that are still in that stage of developing secure attachments. Given their early trauma (being removed from their primary careiver and placed in foster care), you can do these things to help make sure they develop appropriate, healthy attachments and prevent developing attachment disorder. This is also the same method for working with kids who have already developed attachment issues, however, it is much harder to do. They will often reject your efforts and as I've described here, you'll always find yourself encountering people who want to "help" (a.k.a. interfere with developing a secure attachment).

What we do:

1. No hand holding, lap sitting, cuddling with anyone outside the immediate family. Shirley* (3yo) is the worst when it comes to this. She tries to get others to hold her all the time. She cries and acts helpless and tries to get others to do things for her that she is more than capable of doing. And people love doing things for her. People love picking her up and having her go limp like a rag doll. I honestly do not understand this at all. To me, this behavior is very strange and off-putting and I would not want to hold a child that acted that way. My husband thinks people like to help kids who act helpless. I don't. I want to kick them in the pants and tell them they can do it themselves. Try harder. Come on, you can do it. But, I guess that's not everyone's reaction.

2. When mom and dad are present, they are the ones you ask for help. If Jenny* (6yo) needs help tying her shoe, reaching something, scrapes her knee and wants a band-aid, needs a drink of water etc., she knows she is to ask myself or my husband (or our older kids) for help. Since she is older, we have this conversation ahead of time before we go to some kind of gathering. She also knows that if anyone offers her anything, she has to ask our permission before she can have it. With Shirley and Dusty* (4yo), we keep them as close as possible to intervene if they are inappropriately interacting with strangers.

3. At restaurants, your focus is on your family and the people you are with. We go out to eat a lot. And it is quite common that Shirley and Jenny are looking around the restaurant trying to get attention from other tables. Shirley is often successful at this. She is little and cute and people respond to her that way. Now, this is more than just being curious of your surroundings. This is like an intent stare at others (I think it's creepy, I'm not sure why people smile at it) and a total disregard for the people at her own table. We redirect all of that behavior and encourage interaction at our own table. There are even times that Shirley has to lay her head down on the table if she can't stop staring at strangers.

4. We do all of the feeding/providing of food. As I've talked about in previous posts about food, providing food is a basic need and a significant source of nurture. We do not allow our foster children to get this nurture from strangers (or anyone outside the immediate family).

This is actually very hard to do. We find that people wanting to "help" are everywhere and our kiddos are good at seeking them out and eliciting it as well. It's very awkward to step in and stop this sort of interaction. My husband is much better at it than I am. He will ask people to put Shirley down if someone picks her up when we didn't notice. He will take food away from her that a stranger may have given her without us noticing and he will step right in the middle of any inappropriate interactions before they happen as well. He is good at explaining that it is not good for her and it's his job to do what is best for her even when it is awkward for other people. And he is good about just not caring if the other person doesn't understand or agree with him for doing it. I've gotten better, but really, I still stink at that part. It's very hard for me.

You'll notice I use "immediate family" a lot. I mean people within the immediate household. So, this means grandparents are restricted as well. This is probably the hardest one. Now, if grandma is the daycare provider, then they are now in the role of a primary caregiver. However, if the kids see grandma a couple times a month at family gatherings, they are more like strangers. And while a hug "hello" and "goodbye" is ok in our home, we don't allow lap sitting and cuddling and meeting basic needs or nurturing by grandma. This is sometimes a source of contention. Grandma wants to be in the grandma role which includes all of those things. Here is how I see it. I'm in the mom role, but not treated like a "mom" most times. While I may want to have a mom-child relationship with this child, it is not natural and it takes lots of work. The primary caregiver role is the most important one to establish. Grandparents just have to wait on this (and they may have to wait a long time. And if the child is not going to be adopted into the home, then they will likely never be in that role with this particular child. And that's ok). Everybody needs to put their own feelings aside and realize this is what is best for the child.

Now, here's my big disclaimer - We do have our girls in daycare. This is not ideal for attachment issues. And I am fully aware that while they are there, Shirley gets the staff to carry her around and do things for her she should do for herself. I know that it is not the best place for them to be. But, I have also come to understand that I can't do it perfectly, I can't beat myself up for using daycare, which is often the thing that allows me to continue to do this hard job. It's a life-saver in many ways. So, I just do what I can to avoid these things when I am present and I have to just let the rest go.

So, even if you use daycare and are unable to put these restrictions in place at all times, do it when you can. Be aware of the need for it, and be intentional about it when you have the opportunity.

And what if you are a friend or family member of a foster parent and want to know how to help w/o being one of these "helpful" people I have described here? I found this great article with 10 ways to support. The first 5 things are all about how not to interfere:

■1. A RAD Mom needs help teaching her child with Reactive Attachment Disorder that mom’s are in charge of taking good care of their children. And that their mom is a good mom who takes care of her children.
■2. A RAD Mom needs friends who don’t hug her RAD Child. The best way to help a family dealing with a child who has reactive attachment disorder is to help the child learn to get his or her hugs for mom and dad. The same is true for other intimate things the child might want to do, like sit on laps or give you a neck rub.
■3. A RAD Mom needs friends who can support how we respond to our child. No matter what the situation looks like the parents need to be considered the ones in charge especially when it comes to discipline.
■4. A RAD Mom needs people who have suggestions, ideas or criticism to talk to us privately when our child is not around. Triangulation is a natural behavior for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and questioning the parents in front of the child empowers the child.
■5. A RAD Mom needs friends who don’t fall into the trap of hearing the child say, “I wish you were my mom, you are much better then the one I got.” Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop for new, improved and better parents.

Quit trying to be the "village" to the child. What the child needs is the village to support and empower its parents and stop trying to care for its children.

Therapy, part II

Since my last post on therapy, Dusty has now had one therapy session. Next week, she will have been in our home 8 mos and she had her first appointment yesterday. How's that for efficiency?

The good news: The people I have talked to that are familiar with this therapist say she is great (that was maybe 2 people). In my intake meeting with her she requested that Dusty not be present b/c we would be discussing many things she should not hear. This seems like duh common sense, but she is the first therapist I've ever worked with that seems to get that. In other intakes, the therpaist is asking me to talk about the child's history, their trauma, their bio parents' issues, their current behavioral issues - all while the child plays in the room next to us and pretends not to be listening or aware of anything we are saying. But they hear it ALL! And a therapist should know that. So, she earns points for that one from me.

Another good thing is she seems to understand trauma and how kids will play out their trauma as a way of processing it and coping with it.

Now for the not-so-good news:

In the intake, I asked if I would be present during the sessions. She said "no". I asked if we would talk after the sessions to discuss what is happening in them and things I should be working on with her at home. She said she was not able to discuss specifics with me about what goes on in the sessions, but could tell me if she had a particularly emotional session or if she had a hard time etc.

I have a problem with this. A BIG problem with this. But, I also know this is standard and my raising an issue only makes me seem weird.

Let me walk you through how yesterday went. Imagine this is your child.

We arrive at the counseling center (a place that Dusty has never been to before), we go into the "lobby" (I use that term loosely, the lobby is a very small room (think large closet)with a few charis, a table w/some coloring books and crayons), there is no one in the lobby, there is no receptionist or anyone to check in with or let know you have arrived. There is a sign on the door that says to wait there and someone will come get you. The therapist (who Dusty has never met before) opens the door, stands in the doorway and says "are you ready?" Dusty walks back into a room with her. I stay in the "lobby". About 30min later, she opens the door and Dusty comes out. The therapist says "She did good. See you next week".

Now, remember I said, pretend this is your child. Would you be ok with this? I know that I would never have done this to my bio kids. NEVER!

If I felt my child needed therapy it would be because they had probably suffered some trauma. As their mom, I'd want the help of a therapist the help me help my kids to process it. I would want to be there to assure my child that this person is safe and that I trust them. I would want to be there so that when my child did begin to process their trauma and experience big emotions as a result, I would be there as their mom to comfort them, support them, love them. I would want to be in the room at all times because there is absolutely NO reason for this therapist to develop a private relationship with my child. The therapist is simply a tool our family is using to cope with difficulties.

Now, let's consider foster children:

1. They have tons of confusion about who is safe and can be trusted.
2. They often will go off with anyone and have difficulty discriminating roles of people (particularly understanding the role of primary caretaker).
3. Therapists come and go like (I can't think of a funny cliche here for things that come and go - so enter your own), so working on getting a child to trust a specific therapist only to leave them and get a new therapist - bad idea!
4. Therapists only see this child 1 x per week - the goal should be to empower the family with the skills to work through the issues the other 6 days of the week.

Let's not take this issue of stranger danger too lightly here.

With all of our placements (and respite kids), we have had issues with an inability to distinguish between people they know well and trust and any random person that approaches them and calls them cute. Every. One. Of. Them. It's not a small problem, it's a pervasive problem.

In a child that is well adjusted and has a secure attachment, there will be some hesitation to being approached by strangers or even people they have met before, but are only casual acquaintances of their parents. There is a clear distinction between who you go to when you are sad and need comfort, when you scraped your knee, when you need to go to the bathroom. It's not normal for kids to just ask the nearest adult to help them with these things. But kids in foster care do. Not only do they do that, but they will intentionally seek out adults other than their parents. When my children were young and a stranger talked to them, they may avert their eyes, lower their head, move closer to me, take a step back from the stranger (all things that signal "I don't know you, I am being cautious of you"). I LOVE when my kids do that. Love it! I know some people have real issues with shyness in their children and work hard to help them to get over it. And I get that too. And if we are talking about kids that have grown up in healthy homes and have secure attachments with their primary caregivers, then that's ok. But for kids in foster care, we should rejoice over "shyness". It's good. It's progress.

Now, if I had taken one of my kids to see a therapist, pulled up to a strange building, sat in a strange room, asked them to walk through a door with a stranger while I stay back in the other room, we would have had some serious protesting (probably screaming and crying as though they were being abducted). In fact, just the therapist approaching and talking to them would have elicited something like this:

Had Dusty behaved as though she were uncomfortable going off with this strange lady, I'm sure she would have had me sit in on the session until she was more comfortable. But the fact that she willingly went should be a red flag to the therapist. And we should not exploit this child's disorder/issue (whatever you want to call it) by asking them to do something, that if not for their issues, they would not do. Essentially, therapists working with the most vulnerable children (those in CPS custody) are exploiting their unhealthy attachments and further encouraging unhealthy behavior. Wonderful!

Let's Play Dumb, Part III

As promised here, today I'll post about what I can happily call "what used to be our daily shoe fiasco". That's right, it's no longer a daily issue and I can actually say it's becoming a rare occurrence. It's always so much nicer to blog about an issue after we have successfully come out on the other side of it :) Yay for progress!

Apparently, doing weird things with your shoes is a thing for kids with attachment issues. Remember when Jenny walked out of her shoe in the middle of the street and we all had to watch as it was run over repeatedly?

Or when Shirley lost her shoe in the corn maze or the numerous times she just couldn't keep them on her feet while in the stroller or the time she tried over and over to lose a shoe at Disneyland?

Well, Dusty has shoe retardedness as well. When she first came, she tried the walk-out-of-my-shoe routine, but soon decided that was not fun enough and adopted the put-my-shoes-on-the-wrong-feet-everytime-I-put-them-on routine instead.

Here she is walking down the street with one shoe on:

And that's exactly how we deal with that issue. If you want to walk around with one shoe on, it only makes you more uncomfortable, so knock yourself out.

Dusty has been with us over 7 mos now and just very recently, she stopped putting her shoes on the wrong feet. So, for more than 6mos, she put her shoes on the wrong feet every time she put them on with very few exceptions (and in our house this is several times a day b/c we take our shoes off at the door).

Now, how did we deal with it? At first, I would verbally remind her that her shoes were on wrong and to fix them. In the beginning, fixing them took her forever. She would take them off her feet, switch them around a few times and put them back on the wrong feet. Other times, she may take them off, look at them, look at me, appear very confused and just sit there. Once we determined this was a ploy to waste all of our time as we were on our way out the door, we started asking Dusty to get her shoes on immediately in the morning, before eating breakfast or anything else. That way, if she was going to waste time, she'd be wasting her own time, not ours. We also started sending her to her room to fix her shoes. That way, she couldn't sit and stare blankly at us as if she didn't know how to put her shoes on. The longer she took to fix her shoes, the longer she stayed in her room. This totally worked, in that, she immediately switched her shoes and was out of her room in seconds. It didn't immediately work, however, to get her to stop putting them on the wrong feet in the first place.

Over time, she started to have days where she put them on the right feet, every time, all day long. There were very few of those days, but they existed. Soon, the shoes became our barometer for measuring Dusty's internal state, how regulated she was that day. She may start the day out putting them on the wrong feet and typically that is how her whole day would go. Other times, she would start out great and something throughout the day would happen and I'd find myself saying in my head "she's going to put her shoes on the wrong feet". And I was right.

And now, she puts them on the right feet almost every time and almost every day. Progress. And to the extent that this tells me something about her internal regulation, emotional progress (even better!)

So, for those of you that wonder, what if you just said nothing or did nothing? Just let her wear her shoes on the wrong feet? Well, I had those same thoughts. And actually for close to a week long period, I actually did that. I just said nothing about her shoes, did nothing, let her wear them that way. However, I found that it still frustrated me that she did it and I wasn't as successful at just letting it go as I needed to be for this approach to work. Then I had a discussion with my husband and his take on it was this:

You told her to go put her shoes on. You gave her a direct instruction which you expect her to follow. And putting them on the wrong feet is her small way of being defiant. It's like saying "ok, I'll put them on, but not the way you want me to". In other words, "Eff you, lady. You aren't the boss of me". And the reality is, we see this behavior of challenging your authority at every turn with attachment disordered kids. And just as I have said before, it's crucial they learn you are in charge. Not because you want to be the big scary boss, but because you need to be in charge. They need you to be in charge to take care of them, meet their needs, keep them safe. And even small challenges to your authority need to be met with a (gentle) reminder that you are the boss, even of how they put their shoes on :)

Therapy

I try not to make my blog posts seem like one long gripe fest without at least some kind of tip or solution to the problem. If that is my goal, I should stay far, far away from this topic.

But, here I go anyway. So, let me apologize in advance that what you are about to read will be a substantial list of problems and a very short list of solutions (that is if I can think of any by the time I get to the end of this post. Otherwise, it will just be a list of problems).

We've all heard the stories, or maybe experienced first hand, how hard it is to get CPS to intervene and respond to reports of abuse and neglect. We all know about numerous kids who should be helped, but the problems going on in their home do not rise to the level of CPS intervention. So, what does that tell us about the kids in our homes, then? It tells me, the conditions they lived in were worse than most of us can even imagine. The abuse and neglect they suffered was severe. Most of the population will never experience this type of abuse and neglect in their entire lifetimes. Their needs are different than most every other kid you know. So, what kind of therapist would best suit this specialized, rare population?

Well, my answer would be a very experienced therapist, one who understands abuse, neglect, and trauma, one who knows the substantial effect abuse and neglect has on the development of growing children. They also need a therapist who understands that because their "child development" is different from most kids, they need to be parented different from most kids. They need a therapist that knows how to include the children's foster parents in all aspects of treatment and one that can help foster parents understand why these unconventional parenting methods work.

Now, what kind of therapists do kids in foster care get?

They get recent college graduates who may or may not have done some practicum hours on actual live people, but not necessarily children, let alone abused children. They get therapists who have taken this job as an entry level and plan to leave as soon as a better job becomes available (which means over the course of their time in care, foster kids may have as many therapists as they have case managers). They get therapists who are not required to take specialized training on child trauma and attachment disorder. They also get behavior coaches who have degrees in areas not even related to mental health, they often are not parents themselves and would probably struggle to help a parent, that is not a foster parent, understand behavior issues.

According to a study by Casey Family Programs, a disproportionate number of former foster children have mental disorders as adults. Foster children have nearly double the rate of PTSD as U.S. combat veterans. I know that I hear about programs to help veterans that suffer from PTSD (although, I don't doubt this is an underserved population as well). I hear of no such programs for children in foster care. While, I can't assume cause and effect with these studies, it does make me wonder if the number of foster children as adults with mental health issues would be much lower had they received the appropriate care when they were children?

Another huge issue with therapy and foster care is the amount of time and effort it takes to get services started. It often seems to be a big battle just to get services that I am not really sure I want, once I have them.

Here's an example that is not a rarity:

Little Dusty, 3yo (you can read about her here) came to us on 4/2/12. Within a couple of days of being placed with us, Rapid Response came to check on her (step 1 of system in place to ensure children receive services - check!). According to the information we supplied RR, a referral was made for play therapy for Dusty as well as a referral for speech assessment through public school district.

Enter Dusty's oh so wonderful CPS case manager, let's call her, Little Miss Scatterbrain (that's my nice name for her :).

So, Little Miss Scatterbrain did not inform anyone of the intake that had been set up as a result of the RR referral, so the date came and went and the referral closed. As I started reporting Dusty's behaviors to Little Miss Scatterbrain, she informed me that she had let it lapse. So, you would assume she would then get right on it and put in another referral, right? Wrong.

Fast forward to a court date (not sure what hearing this was, I was not informed of it eventhough I repeatedly asked for this info). The court ordered a Best for Babies Assessment (something the court has started routinely doing for 0-5yo in foster care).

We are now over a month into the placement and the Best for Babies assessor determines the same thing the RR person did and that is, Dusty needs play therapy. Due to the behaviros we were now reporting, Dusty was assigned an intensive case manager with Southwest Network (SWN). Oooh. This kind of sounds like someone might be taking her needs seriously.

Nah. Not really.

Now, we have an intensive case manager (ICM), who I will call Little Miss Helpful, which means, she needs to come interview the family about Dusty's behaviors, observe Dusty in the home, at daycare and on visits with mom. THEN she can make a recommendation for services. We have our first meeting with Little Miss Helpful at the end of May. She does her observations in our home and in the daycare over the next couple of weeks. Now, she has to observe during visits with bio mom.

Here's where Little Miss Scatterbrain is able to FUBAR the whole process, yet again. Since she is completely unresponsive to Little Miss Helpful, she is never able to observe Dusty during visits. But since this is how the process is supposed to go, Little Miss Helpful continues to run her head into the brick wall a.k.a. Little Miss Scatterbrain which results in delays for services for Dusty.

Little Miss Helpful eventually gives up on the idea of observing during bio mom's visit and just goes ahead with her recommendation. Shockingly, she recommends Play Therapy. That's right, the very thing RR recommended and put in a referral for within a few days of us being placed with Dusty. Little Miss Helpful came to the same conclusion. She needs Play Therapy.

Now, in order to put in a referral for play therapy (mind you this was already done months ago and let lapse by Little Miss Scatterbrain), Little Miss Helpful must hold a CFT. So, we are now in July. It takes that long for Little Miss Helpful to actually get in contact with Little Miss Scatterbrain and finally nail down a CFT date and time. Nevermind that this date and time conflicts with my schedule. I cancel certain things so that I can be sure to be there and get this whole therapy ball rolling.

Little Miss Scatterbrain does not show up to this CFT that we scheduled around her. Doesn't show up, doesn't call and actually never even addresses the fact that she completely blew this off. When I bring this to her attention a week later in an unrelated conversation, her response "I was sick and I didn't know you were going to be there, so I didn't realize I needed to let you know I wasn't going to make it". The CFT was at MY HOUSE. Not sure how she possibly thought I wasn't goin to be there. Anyway....

Little Miss Helpful gets right back at setting up another CFT. It's now August. Still no CFT, still no referral for therapy. Now, we have a new CPS CM. She is ready and willing to participate in a CFT, however, she feels bio mom should be present as well. So, we need to reschedule to accomodate bio mom.

Fast forward to 3 more reschedules due to bio mom's "family emergencies" and various other needs to cancel. It's now Sept. and Dusty still has no services now because mom a.k.a. Little Miss Attempted Murderer, ok, I shouldn't go there, is being allowed to delay her child's therapy (therapy she needs as a result of the actions of her mom in the first place). Is this making sense to anyone?

Anyone?

We finally decide to proceed with the CFT in mom's absence. And, now we can actually put in a referral for play therapy which was identified as a need over 5mos earlier. Yay for our system! And, yes, we tax payers actually pay for this incompetence.

Now, it's October. I was told a referral was put in weeks ago. I still have not heard anything from the agency that is supposed to be providing the therapy. She has been with us over 6mos. We identified this need immediately. And here we are.

And the worst part is, after all this pushing to get therapy started is over, we will have inadequate, ineffective therapy and I'll wonder why in the world I ever worked so hard to get it!

And that makes me....

Looks like this will just be a post about problems with no tips or solutions. Oh, how I wish it could be different :(

Let's Play Dumb, Part II

Nonsense questions and chatter:

In our home currently we have Jenny, 6y.o. who came to us a year ago. In the beginning, she asked lots of nonsense questions, questions you knew she knew the answer to or questions designed to interrupt whatever was going on in the home.

We have a couple of techniques that we use with Jenny that have worked pretty well. I'll share those below.

We also have Dusty, 3y.o. who has been with us a little over 5mos now, who still regularly chatters to herself or to others in a frenzied, nonsensical manner. Often, her chatter are not real words or are mumbled in such a way that they are not possible to understand. Little Molly, 5y.o. who is no longer in our home (you can read about her here and here) came to us at age 4 and also did lots of nonsense chatter, made up words, mumbled speech etc. What stands out about this behavior for me with both girls, is that it is done in an almost panicked manner. It is as if you can hear the anxiety rising the more they chatter on and on.

It is for this reason, that we choose to stop that behavior in our home. You could just ignore the chatter and not respond to it until the child makes it clear who s/he is talking to and appropriately addresses and gets your attention. And sometimes I do that. But often, I put one hand gently on the child and say "shhhh". To me, it feels like a reminder to be calm, to stop all the nervous energy.

The reality is, I am not really sure why they do this behavior. In some ways it seems like anxiety, in others it seems like an attempt to communicate a want without having to directly address anyone (sometimes you can make out certain words in the chatter which might include "I want ___"), or as I have mentioned before a way of controlling conversation. If they are always chattering or asking questions, they are controlling the flow of the conversation. Since ignoring this behavior is somewhat difficult for me (I have a hard time "tuning out"), I prefer to just stop it. Otherwise, I am gritting my teeth trying to ignore it and my frustration levels start rising.

If a "shhh" doesn't do the trick, I will say "It's time to sit quietly now, no more talking".

Some other things we do with this behavior is to require the kids to use their "big girl voices" when addressing us. If they want to ask for something or need to tell me something, they need to do it in a manner that is loud enough and clear enough for me to hear and understand the first time. Otherwise, I can't hear it and I don't keep asking for them to repeat themselves. It's a very common behavior for kids with attachment disorder to try to get you to lean in close and ask "what?" repeatedly. Don't do this. When they want to be heard, they will be.

Now for nonsense questions:

In my previous post, there is a YouTube video of Christine Moers discussing how she handles nonsense questions. We have also implemented those techniques and they work pretty well.

The first thing I did with Jenny was come up with a word or phrase that I would incorporate into my answer anytime she asked a question I knew she knew the answer to or a question that was just total nonsense. For us, I picked "cheese and pickles". At first, she seemed confused or surprised by my answers. She also giggled at them a little because it is funny to randomly start talking about cheese and pickles. But soon, she was annoyed by these answers.

Here is one conversation I remember specifically:

Jenny: "what is that white stuff in the road?"

Me: "I don't see any white stuff in the road"

Jenny: "There (pointing)"

Me: "I must have missed it when we drove past. I don't know what it was"

Jenny: "right there" (poining to the lane lines)

Me: (now, finally realizing what she is actually asking) "Oh, I think that's cheese and pickles"

Jenny: "No, those white lines in the middle of the road"

Me: "Yeah. They are cheese and pickles"

Jenny: "No! The white lines, what are they?!" (getting frustrated)

This went on for a while before:

Jenny: "I think it's paint"

Me: (thinking, but did not actually say aloud) "BUSTED"

After a few of these conversations, Jenny asks "why do you always talk about cheese and pickles?"

Me: "Oh, it's a game. I thought you wanted to play it. Everytime you ask something silly, I answer with something silly, like cheese and pickles."

Jenny: "I don't like that game"

Me: "Oh, it seemed like you liked it because you always started playing it with me. Ok, if you don't like that game, don't start playing it and I won't play it with you anymore"

Jenny: "Ok"

This stopped her for a little while, then the next time she asked a nonsense question, the cheese and pickles came out again and Jenny says: "Remember I told you I don't like that game?"

Me: "Oh yes, I remember. I thought you wanted to play it again"

Jenny: "I don't"

Me: "Ok, then don't play it anymore. I only play it when you tell me you want to by asking me silly questions".

That was the last time we talked about cheese and pickles. This behavior hasn't gone away 100%, but it is far less than it used to be.

In some ways, however, she just traded in asking nonsense questions for asking questions as a way to constantly be interrupting. This one has been harder for us to deal with. Typically, I ignore these questions. But, again, ignoring is hard for me. They are persistent and have a way of not being ignored. Other times, I may just put my hand up to gesture "stop" and I will say "this is not a good time for questions". We have also given a max. number of questions allowed per day. Once she reaches that max, she cannot ask anymore questions and if she does, she has to go have some quiet time where she can't pester anyone with questions.

This one is harder for me because it requires me to keep track of how many questions she has asked. And as easy as that sounds, it is actually not. Since she is often asking questions at busy, chaotic times, she is intentionally doing it at a time hoping to catch you off guard. So, I don't always catch all of her questions in order to count them and keep track. This then creates a dynamic where the sneakier she is, the more undetected questions she can slip in and we now have a kid trying to "trick" me and maintain control, which is exactly what you do not want to be happening. I'm still trying to work out how to effectively implement this system.

So....
How is it in your house? Do you deal with these issues as well? What works for you?

Back to School w/RAD

We have gone back to school and are in our 3rd week now at our house. For foster parents that have school agers with attachment issues, this can be tricky.

For us, our first grader does well in school and is liked by her teachers, so there are not the behavioral issues that many parents of kids with attachment disorder deal with around back to school time.

With Jenny, 6yo, our issues tend to be the more sneaky behaviors. For example, she may "forget" to bring home important communication from the teacher, she tries to eat breakfast at school when she had a full breakfast at home, gets up during class to get a tissue or a drink of water and may ask lots of questions intended to disrupt instruction time, asks to go to the bathroom excessively, takes numerous trips to the nurse for minor scratches or tummy aches, headaches or other made up ailments, tries to get special treatment (wants to sit closest to teacher, holds her hand, sits in her lap, asks for more of something that the whole class may be getting). Many of these things can even go unrecognized by the teacher or seen as minor infractions compared to the kid whose throwing blocks at her head.

Here are some common issues that kids with attachment disorder have in school

This list covers several things teachers may encounter. One that we have seen with Jenny is what they call "Nuisance Behaviors"

Nuisance behaviors: These are frequently occurring minor infractions (such as interrupting or asking excessive questions) that disrupt the simplest of everyday interactions. These nuisance kinds of behaviors serve a dual purpose. First, they serve as ongoing reminders that the AD student is not under the teacher's domain. Secondly, they are "probes" that the AD child sends out into the environment to acquire information about the situation. From others' reactions to these "behavioral probes", AD children begin to piece together who is punitive and who is supportive; who will respond and who will ignore; who has a short fuse and who has a longer fuse, etc. The AD child uses the responses to his probes to figure out how to "work" the adults. When the AD child feels confident that he knows how to maneuver the teacher, the "honeymoon" will be over.

With our first placement of teen brothers, we had complaints from teachers about more outwardly disruptive behaviors in class, inability to focus on work, regressive behaviors (also listed on the link) coupled with his demonstration of real intelligence and ability to do good work.

Work production: The AD child most often either refuses to do assignments outright or does them in a haphazard, perfunctory manner. Occasionally, these children will apply themselves and often turn in a credible product when they do so. These seeming "lightning bolts" of intelligence, motivation, and effort are generally all too appealing to the adult world of teachers and parents; and that is precisely their purpose. The AD child dangles these moments of production in front of the adults to tantalize them into a game of trying to figure out what to do to get the AD student to perform like this more often. Taking this bait and entering this game is exactly like stepping in quicksand. The more the adults struggle to get the child to perform, the deeper the adults sink into the muck. Meanwhile, the AD child is "laughing all the way to the bank".

Since he was our first, we were pretty clueless on attachment disorder. I can't tell you how many times I found myself just puzzled at his ability one day and his complete inability the next. I absolutely took the bait and drove myself nuts trying to come up with ways to motivate him.

This brings me to homework:

There are great ideas here about how to deal with homework issues.

Don't go crazy trying to stay on top of your child's homework. If they are really struggling and need extra help with concepts (this can be hard to determine since they fake lack of understanding really well), get help before or after school or during lunch from the teacher, get a tutor if needed, but make it the child's responsibilty to organize themselves (give them tools to stay organized and tips, but don't clean out their backpacks for them, track down assignments etc), explain good study habits (like planning ahead for tests and projects, writing down assignments, taking notes, asking questions of the teacher etc) then step back and let them do it.

There are a few letters written to teachers that I have found on various sites that explain attachment disorder and give teachers tips on how to deal with classroom behaviors and the importance of communication with the parents. This one from Nancy Thomas is pretty thorough.

Here is my honest opinion about this approach with teachers: Although this is of high importance to me and my family, it's just one student of many to the teacher. Not to say that teachers don't care, that's not it at all. But teachers have not committed to parenting this child and educating themselves on all the things they possibly can about attachment disorder. So, if the child is not causing major issues in the classroom, I'm not sure the teacher is going to really want to read through and take to heart all that this letter says.

You also run the risk of sending the message to the teacher that you want to micromanage her. The teacher may very well think, you are one parent with one child and they have taught many, many students over the years - "I got this" may be their attitude. And truthfully, that would probably be my attitude as a teacher. So, for me, it's tough finding the right balance between giving the teacher necessary info, not allowing the child to triangulate the adults in this situation and letting the teacher know I am not questioning her expertise.

Some things in this letter, however, that I think are particularly important and should be brought to the teacher's attention are:

1. CALL THE PARENTS. They will likely not be real warm about this child and can be perceived as too harsh until you get to know them better. Have them in to talk with you about this issue. They are often hostile to outside commentary because no one without RAD information really knows what these folks are living with every day. Call them and talk about what you see in the classroom and ask if they have any other strategies for managing things.

2. Make it perfectly clear in your interactions with the child that YOU ARE THE BOSS of the classroom or activity. Remind the child, unemotionally but firmly, that you are the boss, you make the rules.

3. YOU ARE NOT THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER for this child. You cannot parent this child. You are his teacher, not his therapist, not his parents. Remind the child that her parents are where she can get hugs, cuddles, food and treats.

4. CONSEQUENCE POOR DECISIONS AND BAD BEHAVIOR

5. DO NOT ACCEPT POOR MANNERS OR INCOHERENT SPEECH. The child must say "May I please be excused to use the restroom?" Not "I gotta pee". And yes, they will wet themselves rather than ask appropriately just to upset you and make you think you're responsible for making them stand there too long. "I see that you wet yourself. That must not feel very good." And go back to whatever you were doing. Feel free to not respond to slurred or incoherent speech. The child will learn she cannot manipulate you into asking for a repetition or clarification. If you feel you must, tell the child you will not be able to hear him until he makes the choice to speak clearly and then turn your attention elsewhere. The child should say, "Yes, Miss Janice", "No, Mr. Sayers". "Yeah" and "nope" and "I don't know" are no longer part of the child in therapy's vocabulary – do not tolerate them in your classroom, they are disrespectful.

6. SUPPORT THE PARENTS. The child who is losing control at home and in the classroom because folks are "on to him" will get a whole lot worse before he gets better. Listen appropriately. Absolutely redirect this child to her parents for choices, hugs, decision-making and sharing of information you believe is either not true or is designed to shock or manipulate you. Follow up with the parents.

Hope something in here helps you all have a better school year!

Food Issues, part 2

In my first post about food issues, I listed several behaviors around food that we see regularly in our home:

1. refusal to eat
2. gorging with food
3. asking for food constantly
4. sneaking food
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it
7. eating strange food
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)
9. hiding or hoarding food


Like I said in my original post, food issues are always present because we eat every day, multiple times a day.

Shirley came to us at 18mos, she is now 2 1/2yo. When she was first placed, she would stand near her high chair and scream as her way of indicating she wanted food. On a couple of occasions, if I did not get her food quickly enough, she would go to the trash and eat food out of it.

Her sister, Jenny, would constantly ask about food, wanting to know what and when the next meal was. She would ask for food all day long even immediately after eating.

A year later, Shirley does not eat out of the trash (but will eat food she finds on the floor, on the ground or in the car no matter how old or gross it may be) and Jenny knows the rules of the house which include not asking for food between meal times and is typically very compliant with that. She still, however, asks for more food at every meal and snack and will eat far past no longer being hungry.

Due to the structure we have in place around food in our home, there appears to be huge improvements in this area. Both girls have learned to slow down (now, Shirley rarely gags on her food, where before this was a daily thing), both have learned to chew with their mouths closed at least half of the time, both have learned not to ask for food between meals and snacks, Jenny has learned that saying "I'm hungry" is the same thing as asking for food, both girls have learned that eating like a pig (getting more food on themselves and the floor than in their mouths) tells me you're not really that hungry and both girls have learned that I say when they have had enough to eat.

But step outside our home, take them to a party where there are other people and food, send them on a visit with bio mom, take them to church where there is food, send them to school and daycare and they seem to have lost all of that learning.

They turn into begging puppies around any person outside of our household.

And boy, do people love to fall for this one.

At church, they ask for snacks for the 1hr period they are away from us (right after breakfast and right before lunch). Jenny eats a full breakfast at home before school, then goes to the school cafeteria after I drop her off and has another breakfast.

At visits with bio mom, they eat so much food, Shirley regularly comes home and vomits or has diarrhea. Shirley guzzles all of her drinks (even makes herself throw up on water) as if she will never have another drink. The parent aide tells us Jenny sneaks food out of her purse at visits and basically eats non-stop for the whole 4hr visit.

Shirley comes home from daycare covered in food like a 1yo just learning how to eat table food would look.

I'm sure I am being way too pessimistic about the improvement and that in reality, they have learned some element of self-control around food, some table manners, some reassurance that we will provide them food regularly, but it often feels like a year of masking an emotional issue that isn't actually healing. As I mention here, a sign of a healthy attachment includes a healthy relationship with food (#23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.) And this is a glaring reminder how far they have to go.

I know, it takes time. Lots of time. *sigh* I have no patience.

In the meantime, I think I want to get these for all of our kiddos:

Let's Play Dumb - Part I

This started turning into a very lengthy post, so I decided to make it part 1 on the subject (I have a lot to say :)

Oh the joys of living with kids who want everyone to believe they can't do it or don't understand. They're good at it too. They almost get me to believe they really can't or don't know. But, they're kids and no matter how good they are at manipulating a situation, they eventually slip up. They eventually show you they are more than capable. You just have to be paying attention.

One thing that I know that they don't: I've now parented and provided respite for nearly 20 kids in the past 3yrs and ALL of them displayed these same behaviors. I've seen it before, I've parented it before and I've seen kids get past this stage with the right interventions. So, unlike their teachers at school, their friends' parents, their parent's friends, extended family members, people at church, their neighbors etc., I'm on to them and I won't be fooled.

So, what do I mean by playing dumb? Here are a few examples (if you are a foster parent, I'm sure you'll recognize a at least a few of these behaviors):

1. Asking questions you know (or at least highly suspect) they know the answer to - if they should know the answer, they probably do. If it's something where they appear to be oblivious to the situation around them or the conversation around them, it's fake. One thing about traumatized kids is they are typically hyper-vigilant. They hear and notice everything! They are paying attention to everything! So, if they pretend to be oblivious, it's just that - pretending.

2. Pretending not to know how to count, know their colors, their ABCs etc. - if it is age-appropriate to know these things, they probably do (at least more than they let on). This one is difficult because it's not uncommon for abused and neglected children to have developmental and learning delays which makes it more difficult to distinguish what is a real delay and what is an act. Here is one sign to look for: if they get it wrong 100% of the time, it's probably fake. Random chance would allow for a child who really doesn't know the answer to get it right sometimes. If they get it wrong every time, they're probably trying to (which means they know the right answer). Even neglected and abused children will eventually learn these things. Recognizing colors, letters, numbers are things that even when they aren't explicitly taught, kids will pick them up from their environment. So, if they seem to not be picking it up, they are likely pretending not to know (or they have a serious cognitive disability, in which case, you would probably know - it would be more obvious and effect many areas of development).

3. Appearing to not know basic life skills - knowing how to eat with utensils, knowing how to get dressed properly, knowing how to walk normally (without walking into walls, tripping and falling over nothing etc), knowing how to talk/communicate appropriately (even non-verbal kids can do this or attempt to do this), and follow 1 or 2 step directions (even very small kids can do this).

** I don't want to seem insensitive to kids that have real delays and need real help. Certainly, we don't want to overlook them. The reason for this post is to give foster parents who find themselves questioning their own sanity - wondering how their child could seem to know so much sometimes, then seem completely incapable other times - a different way to help their children. If your kiddo is faking incompetence, doing things for them, explaining over and over, getting frustrated and allowing them to continue to feign ignorance and lowering expectations of them, is not helping them.

So, what to do?:

This is a great video by Christine Moers where she talks about some of the things she does when her kids play dumb:



Here is another video that addresses nonsense questions and chatter (which can be a way of playing dumb, also a way of controlling the flow of conversation or just being annoying to those around them):



In part II, I'll address nonsense questions and chatter specific to the kids we are currently fostering, what we do, what has worked and what hasn't. In part III, I'll talk about the oh so funny, oh so frustrating daily shoe fiasco and what we do about it :)

Food Issues

I think I should call this post food issues, part 1. Seriously, food issues and foster care could be its own, very, long book.

We know that food issues are always listed on RAD symptom lists. What makes it particularly difficult is just how many ways one can have issues with food. Hence, the need for a whole book. Every, single, one of our placements have had issues with food (except the 2 infants). This includes Shirley (who came to us at 18mos) and all of the children we have ever done respite for.

So, it's a big issue. One worth talking about. It's also one of those issues that is present all the time. We eat everyday. We eat several times a day. So, this issue is constantly being dealt with. As is the case with so many attachment related issues, it is less about the intensity of the behavior and more about the frequency and duration of them that makes it so much to deal with.

It's not like all families haven't dealt with picky eaters

or rude table manners

It's important to remember (especially if you are a friend or family member of a foster or adoptive family) that almost all RAD behaviors when looked at in isolation, can seem like totally normal kid stuff. This kind of thinking is what leads people to begin to think maybe the parents have unreasonable expectations or somehow don't understand that this is pretty typical kid behavior. The reality is, all kids show some of these behaviors, some of the time. If you are parenting a child that displays many of these behaviors, most of the time, it's a different ball game.


So, what kind of food issues do we see?

1. refusal to eat
2. gorging with food
3. asking for food constantly
4. sneaking food
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it
7. eating strange food
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)
9. hiding or hoarding food

When we had our first placement of teen brothers, I wanted to be sensitive to their preferences. I asked lots of questions about what they like, what they don't like, what they were used to eating before. I took input on the meal planning and wanted them to feel like they had some say over what they ate. I also wanted them to feel like our family was able to make changes or incorporate some of what they wanted rather than having them have to do all of the adjusting to a new home.

This was a terrible idea!

Now, in theory, it is not a terrible idea. The boys were older and presumably could participate in these things. It's true that kids coming into your home have to do all of the adjusting and that seems sad and unfair. However, we aren't having our niece and nephew over for the summer, it isn't our friends sleep over where we ask the guest what they want to eat. We are taking care of traumatized children.

These children have unhealthy relationships and that includes unhealthy relationships with food.

Food is such a part of our early experiences with our primary caregivers. Infants are held and fed and rocked and comforted and soothed all while being nourished. Our brains are still developing and we associate food and nourishment with so much sensory input, with warmth, love and comfort. They become totally intermingled.

When there are disruptions to that normal development (cries of hunger are ignored, babies bottles are propped and left alone to eat, cries of hunger are met with an angry, abusive reaction), it has a profound impact on the child's ability to relate to other humans. It is an essential part of human existence to be in relationship with others. When that is disrupted, that is the first order of business for healing.

Repairing those broken connections should be of the utmost importance. When a child comes into your home, they need to know you are the one that meets their needs. And one of the most basic of those, is food.

So, what do we do?

1. specific meal and snack times (no asking for food between those times)
2. eat what is offered, or do not eat, makes no difference to me. My dog would love to have your dinner, if you don't. You can try again at the next meal.
3. eat appropriate amounts of food (can have more if still hungry, but I decide when you have had enough)
4. eat with appropriate utensils in an appropriate way
5. chew with mouth closed
6. say "thank you" when served
7. ask for more saying "please" and using complete sentences (if they have those verbal skills)
8. no negative comments about the food ("I don't like peas", smells weird, looks funny, is good, but would be better with ___)
9. no picking at food

When you start to do one of these behaviors, you are telling me that you are not hungry anymore and mealtime is over for you. In the beginning, you may be ending mealtime a lot. But they eventually get it. It's important to offer consistent mealtimes and snacks, so they have opportunity to try again a couple hours later.

You'll be able to tell when they are really hungry and when they aren't because when they really want to eat, they will use their fork or spoon like you never knew they could, they'll chew with their mouths closed and wipe their faces with a napkin. It's pretty amazing to me how nicely they can eat in one setting (our house) and how much they become like animals when eating in another setting (on visits with bio parents).

I have literally hundreds of food stories to share, so stay tuned for part 2!

What the New Girl Brings

We got a new placement. Well, at this point, it has been nearly 2 weeks since she came. She witnessed something pretty horendous which led to her removal. I picked her up in the middle of the night from the CPS office downtown. She was understandably frightened and seemed in shock (dazed, confused etc). She came to our house and surprisingly, went right to bed and slept through the whole night.

In the days that have followed, little Dusty (3yo) has been quite the challenge. She does not answer any direct questions, usually acting as if she is not even aware you have asked a question, other times going on and on about something totally unrelated to the question.

She often babbles on with nonsensical chatter and talks to herself like Rain Man.

Hence the blog name, Dusty. I know, I'm so clever. Where is your sense of humor people?

She also wanders aimlessly, seems to have no concept of following directions or cause and effect or consequences. She has bad table manners, rude, demanding speech, doesn't play well with the other kids at home and hits the kids at her daycare. So, our newest addition brings lots of challenges. She has also brought lots of discussion about how we wish we had gotten on the list for a baby. Several of us wanted a baby, but opted to go on the list for a more open range and see who God brought to us. My 12 yo son said "Next time you and dad start talking about 'let's see who God brings us', remember who He brought this time and just go on the list for a baby".

And I certainly have had my doubts, saying things like "she just doesnt seem to be getting with the program here" and secretly (or not so) wishing the middle of the night call had been for a baby and not little Dusty. I've also really questioned why God would put such another challenging child in our home when we already had 3.

And this is what He showed me:

In one of the first few days here, we had to get Dusty accustomed to asking for things in an appropriate manner. All of the kids that have come in our home have struggled with this. It is very common for them to say "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" or "I want that" or even "give me that". First, we teach them to say "please" and "thank you". If they can't get this minimum requirement, they don't get to have it. If they say "please", but refuse to say "thank you" once it is given to them, we immediately take it away.

Soon after that, they are required to ask for things in complete sentences (those who have the verbal skills to do that). So, we don't just say "please", we say "please can I have some juice?" And every single time the "new kid" will say "please?" I'll say "please what?" They'll continue to repeat "please?" I'll model for them several times repeat after me "please can I have some juice?" They will say "please" and they will even say "can I have some juice?" but they will refuse to say the two things together. It's exhausting. And they are good! They have cornered the market on making people actually believe they are incapable of doing it, that they really don't understand. Foster parents: DONT FALL FOR THAT TRICK! It may take a while, but if they want that juice badly enough, they will do it exactly the way you ask them to. And it is sooooo important that they do it exactly the way you ask them to. For one, it teaches them who is in charge. We have lots of conversations at the beginning of placement as to who is in charge. "Who is the Boss?" we ask. "I'm the boss, I'm in charge because I keep you safe." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Secondly it reinforces that the primary caregiver is the one that meets their needs. Their primary caregiver is the one they go to when they need something, want something, need help, need/want nurture and comfort. We don't walk around saying "I'm hungry" into the wind and food falls out of the sky. That's not how it works, we look to our primary caregivers to take care of us.

Both of these concepts of who is in charge and keeps us safe and who meets our needs are totally foreign to kids in foster care or at least very skewed and unhealthy. So, it's not that I am a control freak and want everything done my way, although I am painfully aware that it appears that way to almost everyone outside of our family. It's because they need that more than anything else you can give them right now. Even more than they need that hug and that comfort (not that that's not super important, but in the beginning, they need to know who is in charge, who keeps them safe and who meets their needs. Those hugs and comfort are so much more meaningful within that context).

So, back to my story.

Dusty was asking for something. We were still at the stage where she just needed to say "please". She had been told several times to say "please" and she had been reminded several times "that is not how we ask for things here". At this point, she was sitting on the couch (because she was playing inappropriately and now had to sit out). She babbled on and on about being thirsty and being hungry and a bunch of other nonsense words. It was annoying, but I was going about my day, cleaning up and doing things in the kitchen. I was done reminding her that she needed to say "please". She already knew that, so we were done. She could sit on that couch all day and mumble about food. It didn't matter to me.

Then, out of nowhere, Shirley (2yo) walks over to Dusty on the couch, leans in real close to her face and yells "peash!" Now, Shirley has always been my biggest challenge. She too had her time of refusing to say "please" and "thank you". And here she was in her little baby voice yelling at this "new girl" to say please! It's as if she was saying, "just get it right already because this is annoying!" I cracked up laughing.

And over the course of the next several days, I have seen both Shirley (2yo) and Molly (4yo) coaching Dusty. Molly has taken very much to the helper role. She loves that she is big and knows the rules and routine of the house and can show them to Dusty. She loves the praise she gets when she is working really hard to do things right. And I have been able to see in a way that is so much clearer that the girls have learned, they have improved and they have internalized that behavior. They behave very respectfully toward my husband and I because we expect nothing less. But they do it now, not only because they have to in order to get what they want, but because they respect themselves too. They are proud of the way they have become in our home. They are proud to be the kids that perfect strangers come up and say "Wow. You're kids are really well behaved" (and this is in a sit-down restaurant with 6 kids).

Molly reminds me that I am her safe person, that I love her and that I take care of her. And those are all words I have given her, but now she says them spontaneously and in a context that I can tell she understands it, she feels it, she believes it.

Sometimes, in the daily grind of it all, it's hard to see the differences being made. But thanks to our new girl, Dusty, they are so much clearer.

So, maybe that's why God didn't bring us a baby!

Our "RAD" Disneyland Trip

In the first Nancy Thomas training I ever went to about attachment disorder, she said something to the effect of "If you want to have a really crazy vacation, take a kid with attachment disorder to Disneyland". I laughed and recalled vividly our Disneyland trip from hell with our first foster placements (14y.o. and 16y.o. brothers). They had classic signs of attachment disorder, they did 99% of the "text book" things. We didn't know then that we would have to do all the researching and learning about this issue to understand how to deal with it. We didn't know then that asking professionals for help in how to deal with these boys was not only a huge waste of time, but also caused more harm than good in our family (not that there aren't great professionals out there, but you have to know more about attachment disorder to know what you are looking for in a therapist and how to ask for what is actually helpful).

So, we didn't know then that we were taking kids with attachment disorder to Disneyland. But this time, we did. We were prepared for all the odd public behaviors that kids with attachment disorder often display and we felt ready to deal with it (albeit, also a bit nervous at how badly it all could go). But, being prepared for the worst, we were pleasantly surprised with how well it all went.

Little Molly (who I talked about here) did pee her pants in a moment of rage (but, we were prepared with a change of clothes for Ms. Molly who loves to pee in places other than the toilet).

There was some getting too friendly with the strangers around us, but something about Disneyland and everyone being so consumed with their own kids and their own Disney plans, meant no one really ever took the bait and engaged in this inappropriate stranger friendliness. We did have to remind the girls (just about every time) that they were not with the people in line near us and needed to stand closer to us than to them and needed to move when we moved, not them (it often looked like our kids were part of the family in line in front of us more than with us).

Shirley-poo tried her screaming tactics many times. And, so far, Disneyland is the only setting on Earth where no one cares that she is crying. Again, they have their own crying kids or kids on the brink of a melt-down, combined with every other kid in the place crying that they didn't get any candy, or they didn't like that ride, or they just have to have that buzz lightyear toy, to care about what is going on with my kids. Considering Shirley's scream is nothing like a tantrum and more like the sound of a child being murdered, it is still a little surprising. So, if you want to kill your kids, maybe Disneyland is your place, I'm just sayin'.

We had some walking out of our shoes too. That seems to be a thing in our house, like when Jenny did it here. Shirley once lost one of my favorite shoes of hers while walking through the corn maze in Schnepf farms (it was more like pretending to being dragged through the corn maze while screaming). So, we just kept a closer eye on the shoes at Disneyland since it appeared Shirley really wanted to loose them.

Shirley also tried the 'make myself fall down, so it looks like my parents are dragging me' technique, to no avail. Again, no one cared that she either fell or that it appeared I was dragging her. And if she stayed laying there too long, they may just run right over her. I always figured it must hurt a little or at least be uncomfortable to throw herself to the ground the way she often does in public, but the reward she gets from people oohing and ahhing about the poor little girl must outweigh the cost. Well, not at Disneyland it doesn't. At Disneyland, all it gets you is a trip to the ground and the fear that the oncoming crowd may crush you.

So, while Disneyland may be a sad commentary on our society in general, it's awesome for kids with attachment disorder!

And, in all seriousness, it was fun for all of us. It was fun for our kids who have been several times, to experience it with little kids who have never gone before. It was great to see the pure joy that Molly so readily expressed throughout most of the day. It was great for my husband and I to feel so blessed with the ability to provide an amazing week-long vacation that included 2 days at Disney and trips to the beach (another first for Jenny, Molly and Shirley) for 5 kids! Not everyone has that opportunity. We also feel blessed to give the 3 little girls in our care what may be their only trip to Disneyland or the beach for their entire lives and possibly their only family vacation ever. It really was the Happiest Place on Earth.