Let's Play Dumb, Part III

As promised here, today I'll post about what I can happily call "what used to be our daily shoe fiasco". That's right, it's no longer a daily issue and I can actually say it's becoming a rare occurrence. It's always so much nicer to blog about an issue after we have successfully come out on the other side of it :) Yay for progress!

Apparently, doing weird things with your shoes is a thing for kids with attachment issues. Remember when Jenny walked out of her shoe in the middle of the street and we all had to watch as it was run over repeatedly?

Or when Shirley lost her shoe in the corn maze or the numerous times she just couldn't keep them on her feet while in the stroller or the time she tried over and over to lose a shoe at Disneyland?

Well, Dusty has shoe retardedness as well. When she first came, she tried the walk-out-of-my-shoe routine, but soon decided that was not fun enough and adopted the put-my-shoes-on-the-wrong-feet-everytime-I-put-them-on routine instead.

Here she is walking down the street with one shoe on:

And that's exactly how we deal with that issue. If you want to walk around with one shoe on, it only makes you more uncomfortable, so knock yourself out.

Dusty has been with us over 7 mos now and just very recently, she stopped putting her shoes on the wrong feet. So, for more than 6mos, she put her shoes on the wrong feet every time she put them on with very few exceptions (and in our house this is several times a day b/c we take our shoes off at the door).

Now, how did we deal with it? At first, I would verbally remind her that her shoes were on wrong and to fix them. In the beginning, fixing them took her forever. She would take them off her feet, switch them around a few times and put them back on the wrong feet. Other times, she may take them off, look at them, look at me, appear very confused and just sit there. Once we determined this was a ploy to waste all of our time as we were on our way out the door, we started asking Dusty to get her shoes on immediately in the morning, before eating breakfast or anything else. That way, if she was going to waste time, she'd be wasting her own time, not ours. We also started sending her to her room to fix her shoes. That way, she couldn't sit and stare blankly at us as if she didn't know how to put her shoes on. The longer she took to fix her shoes, the longer she stayed in her room. This totally worked, in that, she immediately switched her shoes and was out of her room in seconds. It didn't immediately work, however, to get her to stop putting them on the wrong feet in the first place.

Over time, she started to have days where she put them on the right feet, every time, all day long. There were very few of those days, but they existed. Soon, the shoes became our barometer for measuring Dusty's internal state, how regulated she was that day. She may start the day out putting them on the wrong feet and typically that is how her whole day would go. Other times, she would start out great and something throughout the day would happen and I'd find myself saying in my head "she's going to put her shoes on the wrong feet". And I was right.

And now, she puts them on the right feet almost every time and almost every day. Progress. And to the extent that this tells me something about her internal regulation, emotional progress (even better!)

So, for those of you that wonder, what if you just said nothing or did nothing? Just let her wear her shoes on the wrong feet? Well, I had those same thoughts. And actually for close to a week long period, I actually did that. I just said nothing about her shoes, did nothing, let her wear them that way. However, I found that it still frustrated me that she did it and I wasn't as successful at just letting it go as I needed to be for this approach to work. Then I had a discussion with my husband and his take on it was this:

You told her to go put her shoes on. You gave her a direct instruction which you expect her to follow. And putting them on the wrong feet is her small way of being defiant. It's like saying "ok, I'll put them on, but not the way you want me to". In other words, "Eff you, lady. You aren't the boss of me". And the reality is, we see this behavior of challenging your authority at every turn with attachment disordered kids. And just as I have said before, it's crucial they learn you are in charge. Not because you want to be the big scary boss, but because you need to be in charge. They need you to be in charge to take care of them, meet their needs, keep them safe. And even small challenges to your authority need to be met with a (gentle) reminder that you are the boss, even of how they put their shoes on :)

Therapy

I try not to make my blog posts seem like one long gripe fest without at least some kind of tip or solution to the problem. If that is my goal, I should stay far, far away from this topic.

But, here I go anyway. So, let me apologize in advance that what you are about to read will be a substantial list of problems and a very short list of solutions (that is if I can think of any by the time I get to the end of this post. Otherwise, it will just be a list of problems).

We've all heard the stories, or maybe experienced first hand, how hard it is to get CPS to intervene and respond to reports of abuse and neglect. We all know about numerous kids who should be helped, but the problems going on in their home do not rise to the level of CPS intervention. So, what does that tell us about the kids in our homes, then? It tells me, the conditions they lived in were worse than most of us can even imagine. The abuse and neglect they suffered was severe. Most of the population will never experience this type of abuse and neglect in their entire lifetimes. Their needs are different than most every other kid you know. So, what kind of therapist would best suit this specialized, rare population?

Well, my answer would be a very experienced therapist, one who understands abuse, neglect, and trauma, one who knows the substantial effect abuse and neglect has on the development of growing children. They also need a therapist who understands that because their "child development" is different from most kids, they need to be parented different from most kids. They need a therapist that knows how to include the children's foster parents in all aspects of treatment and one that can help foster parents understand why these unconventional parenting methods work.

Now, what kind of therapists do kids in foster care get?

They get recent college graduates who may or may not have done some practicum hours on actual live people, but not necessarily children, let alone abused children. They get therapists who have taken this job as an entry level and plan to leave as soon as a better job becomes available (which means over the course of their time in care, foster kids may have as many therapists as they have case managers). They get therapists who are not required to take specialized training on child trauma and attachment disorder. They also get behavior coaches who have degrees in areas not even related to mental health, they often are not parents themselves and would probably struggle to help a parent, that is not a foster parent, understand behavior issues.

According to a study by Casey Family Programs, a disproportionate number of former foster children have mental disorders as adults. Foster children have nearly double the rate of PTSD as U.S. combat veterans. I know that I hear about programs to help veterans that suffer from PTSD (although, I don't doubt this is an underserved population as well). I hear of no such programs for children in foster care. While, I can't assume cause and effect with these studies, it does make me wonder if the number of foster children as adults with mental health issues would be much lower had they received the appropriate care when they were children?

Another huge issue with therapy and foster care is the amount of time and effort it takes to get services started. It often seems to be a big battle just to get services that I am not really sure I want, once I have them.

Here's an example that is not a rarity:

Little Dusty, 3yo (you can read about her here) came to us on 4/2/12. Within a couple of days of being placed with us, Rapid Response came to check on her (step 1 of system in place to ensure children receive services - check!). According to the information we supplied RR, a referral was made for play therapy for Dusty as well as a referral for speech assessment through public school district.

Enter Dusty's oh so wonderful CPS case manager, let's call her, Little Miss Scatterbrain (that's my nice name for her :).

So, Little Miss Scatterbrain did not inform anyone of the intake that had been set up as a result of the RR referral, so the date came and went and the referral closed. As I started reporting Dusty's behaviors to Little Miss Scatterbrain, she informed me that she had let it lapse. So, you would assume she would then get right on it and put in another referral, right? Wrong.

Fast forward to a court date (not sure what hearing this was, I was not informed of it eventhough I repeatedly asked for this info). The court ordered a Best for Babies Assessment (something the court has started routinely doing for 0-5yo in foster care).

We are now over a month into the placement and the Best for Babies assessor determines the same thing the RR person did and that is, Dusty needs play therapy. Due to the behaviros we were now reporting, Dusty was assigned an intensive case manager with Southwest Network (SWN). Oooh. This kind of sounds like someone might be taking her needs seriously.

Nah. Not really.

Now, we have an intensive case manager (ICM), who I will call Little Miss Helpful, which means, she needs to come interview the family about Dusty's behaviors, observe Dusty in the home, at daycare and on visits with mom. THEN she can make a recommendation for services. We have our first meeting with Little Miss Helpful at the end of May. She does her observations in our home and in the daycare over the next couple of weeks. Now, she has to observe during visits with bio mom.

Here's where Little Miss Scatterbrain is able to FUBAR the whole process, yet again. Since she is completely unresponsive to Little Miss Helpful, she is never able to observe Dusty during visits. But since this is how the process is supposed to go, Little Miss Helpful continues to run her head into the brick wall a.k.a. Little Miss Scatterbrain which results in delays for services for Dusty.

Little Miss Helpful eventually gives up on the idea of observing during bio mom's visit and just goes ahead with her recommendation. Shockingly, she recommends Play Therapy. That's right, the very thing RR recommended and put in a referral for within a few days of us being placed with Dusty. Little Miss Helpful came to the same conclusion. She needs Play Therapy.

Now, in order to put in a referral for play therapy (mind you this was already done months ago and let lapse by Little Miss Scatterbrain), Little Miss Helpful must hold a CFT. So, we are now in July. It takes that long for Little Miss Helpful to actually get in contact with Little Miss Scatterbrain and finally nail down a CFT date and time. Nevermind that this date and time conflicts with my schedule. I cancel certain things so that I can be sure to be there and get this whole therapy ball rolling.

Little Miss Scatterbrain does not show up to this CFT that we scheduled around her. Doesn't show up, doesn't call and actually never even addresses the fact that she completely blew this off. When I bring this to her attention a week later in an unrelated conversation, her response "I was sick and I didn't know you were going to be there, so I didn't realize I needed to let you know I wasn't going to make it". The CFT was at MY HOUSE. Not sure how she possibly thought I wasn't goin to be there. Anyway....

Little Miss Helpful gets right back at setting up another CFT. It's now August. Still no CFT, still no referral for therapy. Now, we have a new CPS CM. She is ready and willing to participate in a CFT, however, she feels bio mom should be present as well. So, we need to reschedule to accomodate bio mom.

Fast forward to 3 more reschedules due to bio mom's "family emergencies" and various other needs to cancel. It's now Sept. and Dusty still has no services now because mom a.k.a. Little Miss Attempted Murderer, ok, I shouldn't go there, is being allowed to delay her child's therapy (therapy she needs as a result of the actions of her mom in the first place). Is this making sense to anyone?

Anyone?

We finally decide to proceed with the CFT in mom's absence. And, now we can actually put in a referral for play therapy which was identified as a need over 5mos earlier. Yay for our system! And, yes, we tax payers actually pay for this incompetence.

Now, it's October. I was told a referral was put in weeks ago. I still have not heard anything from the agency that is supposed to be providing the therapy. She has been with us over 6mos. We identified this need immediately. And here we are.

And the worst part is, after all this pushing to get therapy started is over, we will have inadequate, ineffective therapy and I'll wonder why in the world I ever worked so hard to get it!

And that makes me....

Looks like this will just be a post about problems with no tips or solutions. Oh, how I wish it could be different :(

Foster Parent Forum

I have added a foster parent forum to my blog! My hope is that foster parents can use this to connect with each other, ask questions, post prayer requests etc.

Look for the "Foster Parent Forum" page at the top, click on it and post under one of the topics or start your own!

Let's Play Dumb, Part II

Nonsense questions and chatter:

In our home currently we have Jenny, 6y.o. who came to us a year ago. In the beginning, she asked lots of nonsense questions, questions you knew she knew the answer to or questions designed to interrupt whatever was going on in the home.

We have a couple of techniques that we use with Jenny that have worked pretty well. I'll share those below.

We also have Dusty, 3y.o. who has been with us a little over 5mos now, who still regularly chatters to herself or to others in a frenzied, nonsensical manner. Often, her chatter are not real words or are mumbled in such a way that they are not possible to understand. Little Molly, 5y.o. who is no longer in our home (you can read about her here and here) came to us at age 4 and also did lots of nonsense chatter, made up words, mumbled speech etc. What stands out about this behavior for me with both girls, is that it is done in an almost panicked manner. It is as if you can hear the anxiety rising the more they chatter on and on.

It is for this reason, that we choose to stop that behavior in our home. You could just ignore the chatter and not respond to it until the child makes it clear who s/he is talking to and appropriately addresses and gets your attention. And sometimes I do that. But often, I put one hand gently on the child and say "shhhh". To me, it feels like a reminder to be calm, to stop all the nervous energy.

The reality is, I am not really sure why they do this behavior. In some ways it seems like anxiety, in others it seems like an attempt to communicate a want without having to directly address anyone (sometimes you can make out certain words in the chatter which might include "I want ___"), or as I have mentioned before a way of controlling conversation. If they are always chattering or asking questions, they are controlling the flow of the conversation. Since ignoring this behavior is somewhat difficult for me (I have a hard time "tuning out"), I prefer to just stop it. Otherwise, I am gritting my teeth trying to ignore it and my frustration levels start rising.

If a "shhh" doesn't do the trick, I will say "It's time to sit quietly now, no more talking".

Some other things we do with this behavior is to require the kids to use their "big girl voices" when addressing us. If they want to ask for something or need to tell me something, they need to do it in a manner that is loud enough and clear enough for me to hear and understand the first time. Otherwise, I can't hear it and I don't keep asking for them to repeat themselves. It's a very common behavior for kids with attachment disorder to try to get you to lean in close and ask "what?" repeatedly. Don't do this. When they want to be heard, they will be.

Now for nonsense questions:

In my previous post, there is a YouTube video of Christine Moers discussing how she handles nonsense questions. We have also implemented those techniques and they work pretty well.

The first thing I did with Jenny was come up with a word or phrase that I would incorporate into my answer anytime she asked a question I knew she knew the answer to or a question that was just total nonsense. For us, I picked "cheese and pickles". At first, she seemed confused or surprised by my answers. She also giggled at them a little because it is funny to randomly start talking about cheese and pickles. But soon, she was annoyed by these answers.

Here is one conversation I remember specifically:

Jenny: "what is that white stuff in the road?"

Me: "I don't see any white stuff in the road"

Jenny: "There (pointing)"

Me: "I must have missed it when we drove past. I don't know what it was"

Jenny: "right there" (poining to the lane lines)

Me: (now, finally realizing what she is actually asking) "Oh, I think that's cheese and pickles"

Jenny: "No, those white lines in the middle of the road"

Me: "Yeah. They are cheese and pickles"

Jenny: "No! The white lines, what are they?!" (getting frustrated)

This went on for a while before:

Jenny: "I think it's paint"

Me: (thinking, but did not actually say aloud) "BUSTED"

After a few of these conversations, Jenny asks "why do you always talk about cheese and pickles?"

Me: "Oh, it's a game. I thought you wanted to play it. Everytime you ask something silly, I answer with something silly, like cheese and pickles."

Jenny: "I don't like that game"

Me: "Oh, it seemed like you liked it because you always started playing it with me. Ok, if you don't like that game, don't start playing it and I won't play it with you anymore"

Jenny: "Ok"

This stopped her for a little while, then the next time she asked a nonsense question, the cheese and pickles came out again and Jenny says: "Remember I told you I don't like that game?"

Me: "Oh yes, I remember. I thought you wanted to play it again"

Jenny: "I don't"

Me: "Ok, then don't play it anymore. I only play it when you tell me you want to by asking me silly questions".

That was the last time we talked about cheese and pickles. This behavior hasn't gone away 100%, but it is far less than it used to be.

In some ways, however, she just traded in asking nonsense questions for asking questions as a way to constantly be interrupting. This one has been harder for us to deal with. Typically, I ignore these questions. But, again, ignoring is hard for me. They are persistent and have a way of not being ignored. Other times, I may just put my hand up to gesture "stop" and I will say "this is not a good time for questions". We have also given a max. number of questions allowed per day. Once she reaches that max, she cannot ask anymore questions and if she does, she has to go have some quiet time where she can't pester anyone with questions.

This one is harder for me because it requires me to keep track of how many questions she has asked. And as easy as that sounds, it is actually not. Since she is often asking questions at busy, chaotic times, she is intentionally doing it at a time hoping to catch you off guard. So, I don't always catch all of her questions in order to count them and keep track. This then creates a dynamic where the sneakier she is, the more undetected questions she can slip in and we now have a kid trying to "trick" me and maintain control, which is exactly what you do not want to be happening. I'm still trying to work out how to effectively implement this system.

So....
How is it in your house? Do you deal with these issues as well? What works for you?

Back to School w/RAD

We have gone back to school and are in our 3rd week now at our house. For foster parents that have school agers with attachment issues, this can be tricky.

For us, our first grader does well in school and is liked by her teachers, so there are not the behavioral issues that many parents of kids with attachment disorder deal with around back to school time.

With Jenny, 6yo, our issues tend to be the more sneaky behaviors. For example, she may "forget" to bring home important communication from the teacher, she tries to eat breakfast at school when she had a full breakfast at home, gets up during class to get a tissue or a drink of water and may ask lots of questions intended to disrupt instruction time, asks to go to the bathroom excessively, takes numerous trips to the nurse for minor scratches or tummy aches, headaches or other made up ailments, tries to get special treatment (wants to sit closest to teacher, holds her hand, sits in her lap, asks for more of something that the whole class may be getting). Many of these things can even go unrecognized by the teacher or seen as minor infractions compared to the kid whose throwing blocks at her head.

Here are some common issues that kids with attachment disorder have in school

This list covers several things teachers may encounter. One that we have seen with Jenny is what they call "Nuisance Behaviors"

Nuisance behaviors: These are frequently occurring minor infractions (such as interrupting or asking excessive questions) that disrupt the simplest of everyday interactions. These nuisance kinds of behaviors serve a dual purpose. First, they serve as ongoing reminders that the AD student is not under the teacher's domain. Secondly, they are "probes" that the AD child sends out into the environment to acquire information about the situation. From others' reactions to these "behavioral probes", AD children begin to piece together who is punitive and who is supportive; who will respond and who will ignore; who has a short fuse and who has a longer fuse, etc. The AD child uses the responses to his probes to figure out how to "work" the adults. When the AD child feels confident that he knows how to maneuver the teacher, the "honeymoon" will be over.

With our first placement of teen brothers, we had complaints from teachers about more outwardly disruptive behaviors in class, inability to focus on work, regressive behaviors (also listed on the link) coupled with his demonstration of real intelligence and ability to do good work.

Work production: The AD child most often either refuses to do assignments outright or does them in a haphazard, perfunctory manner. Occasionally, these children will apply themselves and often turn in a credible product when they do so. These seeming "lightning bolts" of intelligence, motivation, and effort are generally all too appealing to the adult world of teachers and parents; and that is precisely their purpose. The AD child dangles these moments of production in front of the adults to tantalize them into a game of trying to figure out what to do to get the AD student to perform like this more often. Taking this bait and entering this game is exactly like stepping in quicksand. The more the adults struggle to get the child to perform, the deeper the adults sink into the muck. Meanwhile, the AD child is "laughing all the way to the bank".

Since he was our first, we were pretty clueless on attachment disorder. I can't tell you how many times I found myself just puzzled at his ability one day and his complete inability the next. I absolutely took the bait and drove myself nuts trying to come up with ways to motivate him.

This brings me to homework:

There are great ideas here about how to deal with homework issues.

Don't go crazy trying to stay on top of your child's homework. If they are really struggling and need extra help with concepts (this can be hard to determine since they fake lack of understanding really well), get help before or after school or during lunch from the teacher, get a tutor if needed, but make it the child's responsibilty to organize themselves (give them tools to stay organized and tips, but don't clean out their backpacks for them, track down assignments etc), explain good study habits (like planning ahead for tests and projects, writing down assignments, taking notes, asking questions of the teacher etc) then step back and let them do it.

There are a few letters written to teachers that I have found on various sites that explain attachment disorder and give teachers tips on how to deal with classroom behaviors and the importance of communication with the parents. This one from Nancy Thomas is pretty thorough.

Here is my honest opinion about this approach with teachers: Although this is of high importance to me and my family, it's just one student of many to the teacher. Not to say that teachers don't care, that's not it at all. But teachers have not committed to parenting this child and educating themselves on all the things they possibly can about attachment disorder. So, if the child is not causing major issues in the classroom, I'm not sure the teacher is going to really want to read through and take to heart all that this letter says.

You also run the risk of sending the message to the teacher that you want to micromanage her. The teacher may very well think, you are one parent with one child and they have taught many, many students over the years - "I got this" may be their attitude. And truthfully, that would probably be my attitude as a teacher. So, for me, it's tough finding the right balance between giving the teacher necessary info, not allowing the child to triangulate the adults in this situation and letting the teacher know I am not questioning her expertise.

Some things in this letter, however, that I think are particularly important and should be brought to the teacher's attention are:

1. CALL THE PARENTS. They will likely not be real warm about this child and can be perceived as too harsh until you get to know them better. Have them in to talk with you about this issue. They are often hostile to outside commentary because no one without RAD information really knows what these folks are living with every day. Call them and talk about what you see in the classroom and ask if they have any other strategies for managing things.

2. Make it perfectly clear in your interactions with the child that YOU ARE THE BOSS of the classroom or activity. Remind the child, unemotionally but firmly, that you are the boss, you make the rules.

3. YOU ARE NOT THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER for this child. You cannot parent this child. You are his teacher, not his therapist, not his parents. Remind the child that her parents are where she can get hugs, cuddles, food and treats.

4. CONSEQUENCE POOR DECISIONS AND BAD BEHAVIOR

5. DO NOT ACCEPT POOR MANNERS OR INCOHERENT SPEECH. The child must say "May I please be excused to use the restroom?" Not "I gotta pee". And yes, they will wet themselves rather than ask appropriately just to upset you and make you think you're responsible for making them stand there too long. "I see that you wet yourself. That must not feel very good." And go back to whatever you were doing. Feel free to not respond to slurred or incoherent speech. The child will learn she cannot manipulate you into asking for a repetition or clarification. If you feel you must, tell the child you will not be able to hear him until he makes the choice to speak clearly and then turn your attention elsewhere. The child should say, "Yes, Miss Janice", "No, Mr. Sayers". "Yeah" and "nope" and "I don't know" are no longer part of the child in therapy's vocabulary – do not tolerate them in your classroom, they are disrespectful.

6. SUPPORT THE PARENTS. The child who is losing control at home and in the classroom because folks are "on to him" will get a whole lot worse before he gets better. Listen appropriately. Absolutely redirect this child to her parents for choices, hugs, decision-making and sharing of information you believe is either not true or is designed to shock or manipulate you. Follow up with the parents.

Hope something in here helps you all have a better school year!

Food Issues, part 2

In my first post about food issues, I listed several behaviors around food that we see regularly in our home:

1. refusal to eat
2. gorging with food
3. asking for food constantly
4. sneaking food
5. eating in a panicked or rushed state
6. picking at food, inspecting it, playing with it
7. eating strange food
8. bad table manners (intended to disgust those around them)
9. hiding or hoarding food


Like I said in my original post, food issues are always present because we eat every day, multiple times a day.

Shirley came to us at 18mos, she is now 2 1/2yo. When she was first placed, she would stand near her high chair and scream as her way of indicating she wanted food. On a couple of occasions, if I did not get her food quickly enough, she would go to the trash and eat food out of it.

Her sister, Jenny, would constantly ask about food, wanting to know what and when the next meal was. She would ask for food all day long even immediately after eating.

A year later, Shirley does not eat out of the trash (but will eat food she finds on the floor, on the ground or in the car no matter how old or gross it may be) and Jenny knows the rules of the house which include not asking for food between meal times and is typically very compliant with that. She still, however, asks for more food at every meal and snack and will eat far past no longer being hungry.

Due to the structure we have in place around food in our home, there appears to be huge improvements in this area. Both girls have learned to slow down (now, Shirley rarely gags on her food, where before this was a daily thing), both have learned to chew with their mouths closed at least half of the time, both have learned not to ask for food between meals and snacks, Jenny has learned that saying "I'm hungry" is the same thing as asking for food, both girls have learned that eating like a pig (getting more food on themselves and the floor than in their mouths) tells me you're not really that hungry and both girls have learned that I say when they have had enough to eat.

But step outside our home, take them to a party where there are other people and food, send them on a visit with bio mom, take them to church where there is food, send them to school and daycare and they seem to have lost all of that learning.

They turn into begging puppies around any person outside of our household.

And boy, do people love to fall for this one.

At church, they ask for snacks for the 1hr period they are away from us (right after breakfast and right before lunch). Jenny eats a full breakfast at home before school, then goes to the school cafeteria after I drop her off and has another breakfast.

At visits with bio mom, they eat so much food, Shirley regularly comes home and vomits or has diarrhea. Shirley guzzles all of her drinks (even makes herself throw up on water) as if she will never have another drink. The parent aide tells us Jenny sneaks food out of her purse at visits and basically eats non-stop for the whole 4hr visit.

Shirley comes home from daycare covered in food like a 1yo just learning how to eat table food would look.

I'm sure I am being way too pessimistic about the improvement and that in reality, they have learned some element of self-control around food, some table manners, some reassurance that we will provide them food regularly, but it often feels like a year of masking an emotional issue that isn't actually healing. As I mention here, a sign of a healthy attachment includes a healthy relationship with food (#23. Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.) And this is a glaring reminder how far they have to go.

I know, it takes time. Lots of time. *sigh* I have no patience.

In the meantime, I think I want to get these for all of our kiddos:

Let's Play Dumb - Part I

This started turning into a very lengthy post, so I decided to make it part 1 on the subject (I have a lot to say :)

Oh the joys of living with kids who want everyone to believe they can't do it or don't understand. They're good at it too. They almost get me to believe they really can't or don't know. But, they're kids and no matter how good they are at manipulating a situation, they eventually slip up. They eventually show you they are more than capable. You just have to be paying attention.

One thing that I know that they don't: I've now parented and provided respite for nearly 20 kids in the past 3yrs and ALL of them displayed these same behaviors. I've seen it before, I've parented it before and I've seen kids get past this stage with the right interventions. So, unlike their teachers at school, their friends' parents, their parent's friends, extended family members, people at church, their neighbors etc., I'm on to them and I won't be fooled.

So, what do I mean by playing dumb? Here are a few examples (if you are a foster parent, I'm sure you'll recognize a at least a few of these behaviors):

1. Asking questions you know (or at least highly suspect) they know the answer to - if they should know the answer, they probably do. If it's something where they appear to be oblivious to the situation around them or the conversation around them, it's fake. One thing about traumatized kids is they are typically hyper-vigilant. They hear and notice everything! They are paying attention to everything! So, if they pretend to be oblivious, it's just that - pretending.

2. Pretending not to know how to count, know their colors, their ABCs etc. - if it is age-appropriate to know these things, they probably do (at least more than they let on). This one is difficult because it's not uncommon for abused and neglected children to have developmental and learning delays which makes it more difficult to distinguish what is a real delay and what is an act. Here is one sign to look for: if they get it wrong 100% of the time, it's probably fake. Random chance would allow for a child who really doesn't know the answer to get it right sometimes. If they get it wrong every time, they're probably trying to (which means they know the right answer). Even neglected and abused children will eventually learn these things. Recognizing colors, letters, numbers are things that even when they aren't explicitly taught, kids will pick them up from their environment. So, if they seem to not be picking it up, they are likely pretending not to know (or they have a serious cognitive disability, in which case, you would probably know - it would be more obvious and effect many areas of development).

3. Appearing to not know basic life skills - knowing how to eat with utensils, knowing how to get dressed properly, knowing how to walk normally (without walking into walls, tripping and falling over nothing etc), knowing how to talk/communicate appropriately (even non-verbal kids can do this or attempt to do this), and follow 1 or 2 step directions (even very small kids can do this).

** I don't want to seem insensitive to kids that have real delays and need real help. Certainly, we don't want to overlook them. The reason for this post is to give foster parents who find themselves questioning their own sanity - wondering how their child could seem to know so much sometimes, then seem completely incapable other times - a different way to help their children. If your kiddo is faking incompetence, doing things for them, explaining over and over, getting frustrated and allowing them to continue to feign ignorance and lowering expectations of them, is not helping them.

So, what to do?:

This is a great video by Christine Moers where she talks about some of the things she does when her kids play dumb:



Here is another video that addresses nonsense questions and chatter (which can be a way of playing dumb, also a way of controlling the flow of conversation or just being annoying to those around them):



In part II, I'll address nonsense questions and chatter specific to the kids we are currently fostering, what we do, what has worked and what hasn't. In part III, I'll talk about the oh so funny, oh so frustrating daily shoe fiasco and what we do about it :)